DISORGANIZED CRIME

I was just thinking about organized crime... organized is supposed to be such a good thing and crime, well, that's often considered a bad thing... Oxymoron?

I wonder if there's such a thing as disorganized crime... Three or four guys happen to bump into one another one evening:

GUY #1: Hey, long time no see. How's about doing some crimes?

GUY #2: Uh... I don't know. I've got a lot of work to do and such. Maybe I'll call you or something and we can discuss it.

GUY #3: How about now? There's a building over there. I bet we could do some really cool crimes there.

GUY #4: I saw a great crime on TV last night? What the hell was it?

1: I'm gonna go climb up the side of the building.(starts walking towards the building)

3: Yeah! Hey wait for me... Don't start without ME!!!

2: What are you guys gonna do when you get to the top?

1: (yells over his shoulder as he starts climbing) I dunno. We'll see. C'mon!

2: Ok fine! I'm in. Wait up.

4: You guys are crazy... now what WAS that crime I saw on TV? I know it had some Mel Gibson look alike. It was on right after Oprah... DARNITALL I really can't remember. I am getting senile I think. Hey... where'd they go... oh... (sees that the other guys are halfway up the building by now)

4: You guys are not only insane but not too bright.

3:(yells back) You're just jealous 'cause you didn't think this whole scheme up.

4: What scheme??? (walks towards building and notices it is an old abandoned meat packing plant)

(1,2, and 3 ignore 4 and continue their climb to crime. Eventually they get to the top.)

1: Ok... we're here. Now what do we do?

2: I don't know. It was you guys' idea.

1: I'm not the one who thought this would be a good idea.

3: It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought we could do some really clever crimes.

1: Like?

3: I dunno. Just Stuff.

2: You guys are stupid. I'm heading back down.

1: Hey, who're you calling stupid, Stupid? (pulls out a handgun)

4:(walks up to them) Hey guys!!!

1: What the hell? (looks down the side of the building) I didn't notice you climbing up...

4: I didn't. I took the stairs. Inside. The front door was open but...

1: Oh CHRIST! We could have just walked in in the first place?

3: Well, at least we know for next time now.

4: Anyhow, as I was saying...

2: I'm going in. Maybe I can steal a sandwich or something. I'm starved.

1: Oh NO you don't! We go in together... (starts towards the roof door to the stairway)

4: But, you see... (the others walk away and go inside the building)... *sigh* I was trying to say... it's a meat packing plant (but they're already inside, so they don't hear him)... and an abandoned one at that. (goes inside)

1: Oh MAN cooooooooooool!!! An old abandoned meat-packing plant!

2: What criminal acts could we possibly perpetrate here?

3: We could trespass.

2: Nah... that's not cool enough.

1: We could steal old abandoned meat!

4: GROSS!!! You are a sick bastard.

3: We could steal some plants. You said "meat-packing PLANT". I don't see any anywhere though. My apartment's looking kind of dingy. I could really do with something to dress the place up, you know, make it look lived-in.

1: (to the others) Is he seriously this stupid?

3: Who're you calling stupid, Stupid? (pulls out a handgun)

4: Settle down you guys. Maybe we should leave.

Night security guard: HEY! You over there. What are you guys doing?

1: We're... ummmm... doing... Someeeeeeething...

Night security guard: Well, no one's supposed to be in here.

4: Then why are you here?

Night security guard: Don't get smart with me young man!

2: We're doing some real cool crimes. Want to join us?

Night security guard: (thinks for a bit) It's tempting, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take you boys in to the station.

3: Are you a cop?

Night guard: No, I'm a security guard.

3: Then can you legally arrest us?

Night guard: I think so. Maybe a citizen's arrest or something? (starts to wonder)

2: You aren't very good at your job, are you? I mean, we've been here a long time already and we're not very organized.

Night guard: C'mon boys... let's go downtown.

1: Are you INSANE? We ain't goin' anywhere with you... (pulls out a handgun)

Night Guard: That had better not be a real gun!

1: And what if it is?

Night Guard: Then you'd be in BIG Trouble mister and I mean Trouble with a capital "T".

3: Hey, better put away that gun, man!

2: Don't be such a wuss.

4: (slowly inching his way towards the door)

Night Guard: Hey, YOU! Come back here.

2: Maybe we SHOULD do what this Night Guard says. I mean, he IS in CHARGE after all.

(After a long arguement, the four get so fed up with each other that they agree to go to the police station with the Night Guard provided they are promised separate cells in the jail. But when they arrive at the station, the cops can't think of a crime to charge them with, so they are let out with a warning...

Cops: You boys aren't very organized are you?

Guy #3: Who are you calling disorganized? Why, you should hear my room-mate freakin' out at me over the way I fold my underwear... and I pay ALL my bills on time. And I MEAN all of them, not just my phone bill.

Cops: Ok. You're off the hook this time, but don't do anything bad because we're watching. )

I think that it's from incidents like that that organized crime evolves...

1: Ok boys... that was a close call.

2: Next time, we've got to plan this thing better, man. That was a really lame crime.

3: I'm going home. We can plan this over e-mail or something.

4: Sure. I'll e-mail you when I get home.

2: Yeah. Goodnight guys.

1: Goodnight!

(They part company... but not for the last time....)

© September 1996 by Rachelle Megan Ditzian. All rights reserved.
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