"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" the lawyer asked, slowly emerging from anesthesia.
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid with crisp, new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer found that two bills had stuck together and he'd been over paid by $100.
"This is a real ethical dilemma," the lawyer said to himself. "Should I tell my partner?"

A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
"The judge is an honorable man," the horrified partner exclaimed. "If you do, I guarantee you'll lose the case!"
The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer's client.
"Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars?" the senior partner asked.
"I did send them," the lawyer said. "I just enclosed the opposition's business card."

After hearing all the evidence in a divorce proceeding, the judge said to the wife, "I'm going to give you $600 a month alimony."
The husband jumped up and said, "I tell you what, Your Honor, I'll throw in a couple of bucks myself!"

It was so cold the other day that a lawyer was seen with his hands in his own pockets.

The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer," he said. "How much for a quickie law degree?"
"About $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why bother?" Four days later, the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
"Please, before it's too late," said the lawyer. "Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?"
As he breathed his last, the old man whispered: "One less lawyer."

A charity received nothing from the city's most successful lawyer. Irritated, the administrator phoned him.
"We know you do very well, and yet you've not given a dime to this charity."
"Do you also know about my mother's exorbitant medical bills?" the lawyer asked. "Or that my brother is blind and in a wheelchair? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her penniless with three children?"
"I'm sorry," the solicitor said, "I didn't realize…"
"Well," said the lawyer, "I don't give money to them. Why should I give you any?"

An American and his lawyer are on a train with a Russian and a Cuban. The Russian produces a bottle of vodka and takes a swig.
"Nowhere in the world," he announces, "is vodka so fine as Ukraine. We have so much, we can do this." He opens the window and flings out the bottle.
The Cuban unwraps a box of Havanas and lights one. "In Cuba," he boasts, "we make cigars of excellence. We have so many…" Up goes the window; out go the cigars.
Unimpressed, the American opens the window and grabs his lawyer…

Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?
A: An accomplice.
Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested
A: A lawyer.

A man was sent to hell for his earthly transgressions. As he was being led to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was in intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman.
"Wait a minute," the man protested to his demon escort, "I have to roast for all eternity, and someone else gets that?"
The demon jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is it true," said the priest, "that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?"
"I'm afraid you're misinformed," said the lawyer. "People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income fivefold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that the souls of your wife, your children, and your grandchildren rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "What's the catch?"

The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man. Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. "The first hearse carries my ex-wife's lawyer," the man explained. "My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has the lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate."

The pedestrian thought a moment, then asked, "Could I borrow your dog?"
"Okay by me, but you're gonna have to wait your turn like these other folks."

A woman needed legal advice. "Where can I find a good lawyer?" she asked a friend.
The friend thought a moment. "Have you tried the cemetery?"

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.