1. Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday.
3. A kid was born without eye lids. So when they where circumsizing him he decided to take the skin that they cut off doing the end of his penis and put them on his head to replace the missing eye lids. They operation was successful but the kid was left cockeyed.
4. A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.' He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.' So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.' So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.' Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!' And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'
5. An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
6. Three college students were rapping about who they'd like to be cast off on a desert island with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. 'Never heard of her.' his companions protested. 'Who is she?' 'Why she's just the greatest Italian gal of all, making the headlines in the newspaper,' replied the third man. 'See, here it is on page one: FIVE DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE'
7. Three girls asked their mother if they could invite their boyfriends over for dinner. Their mother told them to go upstairs to get ready and to call them. An hour later, when the girls were not downstairs yet, and the boyfriends still had not shown up, the mother went to check on the three girls. She went to the first girl's door and she was laughing. She didn't say anything and she went to the second girl's door. She was crying. She didn't say a word and she went to the third girl's door. The third girl wasn't saying anything. So the mother went back to the first girl's door and asked her, 'Why are you laughing?' 'It's so small it tickles!' She went to the second girl's door and asked her why she was crying. 'It's so big, I can't get it out!' She went to the third girl's door and asked her why she wasn't saying anything. 'Well,' the third girl replied, 'You've always told me not to talk with my mouth full!'
8. Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?' A little embarassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy?' Again embarassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. 'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?' 'The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'
9. This guy went to a pet store and said he wanted to buy the most exotic pet they had. The owner showed him Parrots, Fish, etc, and the guy said, 'No, I meant Exotic Exotic' 'OK' said the saleman, follow me... So, they went into this back room and there on the floor was the ugliest toad he had ever seen... 'What is this' he asked. 'It is the most exotic toad you will find' replied the saleman. 'I'll leave the room for a minute and when I come back, you tell me what you decide.' So, the saleman leaves, and the toad proceeds to stick out his tongue and give this guy the best blow-job he has ever had. The saleman returns and the customer says, 'I'll take it..no matter what the cost.' After he gets the toad home, he sits him on the kitchen table and starts digging through cook books and pots and pans.... His wife comes in and says, 'What are you doing and why is that God awful toad on the table?' 'Because,' said the husband, 'Once I teach him how to cook, you're outta here'
10. A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover, so going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did." "You got in an arguement with your boss." "Well piss on him!!!" said the man. "You did. He fired you." said the wife. "Well screw him!!!" said the guy. "I did ." said his wife. "You're back to work Monday."
11. Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent" "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."