1. The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news." The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live. "Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news." Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm fucking her!"
2. A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."
3. Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
4. The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
5. An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
6. Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
7. A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!" The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes. "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know." Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said. The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
8. Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her. He says, "You have acute vaginitis." She says, "Thank you."
9. Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on. The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in. A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
10. Mr Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great." When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor and so that is what Mr Smith does. The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I look terrible." Dr says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"
11. A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?" "No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?" The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?" "Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister." Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy."
12. A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
13. A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in. The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?" "Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor. The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!" "Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!"
14. There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan." A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?" "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too." Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue." "What?" "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?" So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......" A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems." "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless." "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear." "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it." "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf." Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old." The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation. "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!" "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies. The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears. "How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! " "Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation." Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger ,"And who sent those?" "Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
15. A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities." "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
16. A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?" "Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."
17. A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
18. A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. "Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. "Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"