The Brand-New Australian Dollar

Hello Nerds,
The recent months have seen the Australian dollar go from bad to worse in a heartbeat. The currency had previously been of equivalent value to the benchmark US currency when first floated in the early 1980's, but in more contemporary times has been worth around US $0.75. This March saw the dollar collapsing to all-new lows, seeing it now languish pitifully at around US $0.50 or less. The currency has been officially declared by analysts to be "up the shitter".

It's clearly time for a change. It's time for a revamp of the Australian dollar.

At the time of the dramatic fall from grace, I heard the dollar once referred to by a newsreader as the 'Battler' (Editor's Note: The 'Aussie Battler' is the genre name given to working class men and women) and I saw the light. It was...

...An econometric epiphany...
...A financial flash of inspiration...
...A monetary miracle...
...A stock-mar-- Ok, I'll stop now.

Anyhoots, this got me thinking big-time (and we all know that's not a good thing), and in a subsequent phone conversation I, together with my good friend and fellow financial analyst Alex Murray, crafted a new Australian monetary system. One which will propel the country past the mere hagglings of world currency markets and into the stars... where it may possibly fight galactic oppression and make peace with war-mongering alien humanoids - such as the Klingons and the Kaled/Dalek race.

How It Works In Around Seven or Ten (or maybe more) Steps:

The currency utilises Australian slang, vernacular and icons to effectively endear the currency to both Australians and overseas traders. They will be suitably enamoured with our fabled 'laid-back, no worries, G'day mate' lifestyle and subsequently will be more willing to purchase and therefore bolster the fledgling currency.

1. The nominal unit of currency is the Battler, replacing the Dollar in domestic and international markets of trade.
   
   
2. The smallest division within the battler is the Saggy Tit (equivalent value of 5 cents). There are twenty Saggy Tits in a Battler
   e.g. "Have you got any saggy tits on you mate? I need some change."
   
   
3. The next division of currency is the Bottle-top [equivalent value 10c] which is, in a touch of droll Australian irony, modelled on the cap of a Victoria Bitter [VB] 'stubby' bottle. In a concurrent scheme, removed and washed bottle caps from beer bottles will be reusable valid and legal tender - to both discourage litter and provide a lucrative incentive for alcoholism.
   e.g. "Jimmy, you'll get your pocket money when Daddy's finished his six-pack, ok?!"
   
   
4. Replacing the twenty-cent coin in domestic and foreign markets will be the Howzitgoin?. This important coin's design will feature a kangaroo on the obverse and a picture of former Test and New South Wales Cricketer Doug Walters on the reverse.
   e.g. #1: "Howzitgoin, mate? Listen, would you be able to give me five Howzitgoin's? for this Battler?"
   or
   e.g. #2: "Hi... Could you spare a Dougie for charity?"
   
   
5. Integral to the decimal currency system is the 50 cent piece - substituted under the new scheme with the Khe Sanh - tribute to Australian pub heroes Cold Chisel and their eponymous Vietnam War song of the same name. The coin will be decorated with the song's closing refrain "The last train out of Sydney's almost gone", along with alternative lyrics sung when drunk - such as "Last plane out to Disney's on the pong", "Passed out on the tinnies after not too long" and "YeEEaAhagHagaghahaha!!!!! Beer!!!".
   e.g. "Hey Jim, have you got a Khe? I want to have a go at the 'Skill Tester'."
   
   "Mate, those things never work. It's rigged. You can never get the toy"--
   
   "Just give me a f**king Khe Sanh."
   
   
6. Following the Battler, the Five, Ten, Twenty, Fifty and One-Hundred dollar notes will be replaced with Battler bills depicting Australian icons such as:

   • Five Battler: Dr. Harry Cooper [obverse]; and a feral cat [reverse].
     
     
   • Ten Battler: A landscape depicting Bert Newton, Big Kev, Moira McLean, Tonia Toddman and that guy who flogs Danoz Direct products on Bert's show in a group hug [obverse]; the Hills Hoist clothesline [reverse].
     
     
   • Twenty Battler: Kylie Minogue in hotpants [obverse]; Kylie Minogue naked [reverse].
     
     
   • Fifty Battler: Sir Donald Bradman (deceased) [obverse]; a photograph of all the piles of newspaper and videotape dedicated to Sir Donald's death [reverse].
     
     
   • One-Hundred Battler: Russell Crowe, Mel Gibson, Neil Finn [obverse]; Dave Dobbyn [reverse].