Clones: The New Sex Partner Of Choice
"Doing Yourself Is Twice As Fun!" Say Enthusiastic Test Patients
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18TH - In the past years, science has come ever closer to cloning human beings, with the successful mammal trials resulting in 'Dolly' the cloned sheep. Earlier this year, the revelation by two separate organisations of their map of the human genome gave us the strongest hint yet of human cloning becoming a reality. Now the technology is perfected, the first humans have been cloned and the verdict is in: "the sex is wild!!"Story by Mule HQ Staff Reporter Nick Marland.
Mule HQ can today proudly bring you the first reports of 'monosexual intercourse', a happy by-product of science's heady march forward into the unknown. We spoke with two of the test cloning subjects, and asked them what it was like to screw their own brains out.
Grant*, 22, is an apprentice mechanic. He is currently single, but looking. He applied to take part in the cloning program "for fun" and to "see if scientists really wore lab coats, or if that was just a movie thing". Danni*, 29, is a catalogue aide at a television station's video archive. She is also single, and decided to apply on a dare from her friend Chloe*.
Grant says that the whole program was an exhiliarating system from start to finish.
"I was browsing through the newspaper a few months ago - I don't know, the personals section or something - and I saw this small advert calling for volunteers for a cloning program. I just decided that I wouldn't mind being a part of that - it's important research. So anyway, I applied, and heard back a week later that my body was compatible for what they wanted to try. I was thrilled to be a part of something with the potential to be so historic," says Grant.
Deidre's story is similar. "I got home late at night, and flicked on the TV - you know, as I got ready for bed - and this really cheap sort of ad came up, asking for cloning volunteers. Until that point, I didn't even know the practice was legal, but seeing it there on television had me raring to go."
Both Grant and Danni had to provide blood and tissue samples, and were then told that they would be notified of the progress of their clones. It was three weeks later that Grant got his first call.
"It was basically along the lines of, uh, 'Hello, Grant, it's the lab here. We'd just like to inform you that the clone is healthy, it's fast-aging process is coming along nicely and...well, you look really hot'. That comment threw me at first, but they said I could come down to the lab and check me out...and man, they were right," recalls Grant.
"I look at this guy - me - and I'm mesmerised! The taught buttocks, the virile muscular frame...plus a few other 'features' I won't go into!" Grant chuckles, sipping a cold orange juice.
"She was beautiful," indulges Danni. "I never knew my boobs were that good, and my lilting voice swept me away to a time of innocence and liberation where you were free to experiment. I mean, she was only [the relative age of] 17 [The growth rate of the clones is artificially sped up - Ed], but this chick was hot!
"I'd never felt that way about another woman until that time - especially myself," added Danni.
Just last week, the clones finally reached optimum age (the age of their original incarnations) and were almost unable to be told about from their 'originators', Grant and Danni. The pair were given permission to spend some time with their respective clones, to educate them on human behaviour, mannerisms, their past and so on.
"We just ended up having steamy lesbian sex," recalls Danni. "I couldn't help it. I took her back to my place after work while I got changed and she unwittingly stumbled in on me naked in the bedroom."
Says Grant: "It was very hard to resist. I took him to a bar - a very male thing to do, and what better way to educate the guy about male behaviour? - and, well, we got to drinking a little too heavily, and before we knew it we were back at my place.
"At first it was a lot of awkward, clumsy groping and tearing at clothes, but he assumed control. Must have just been animal instinct, I guess," added Grant.
And the final verdict?
"It was amazing," tells Danni. "I couldn't believe how such highs can be reached in the human plane of existence, when two people - well, one person - can come together as...one. It's an incredibly spiritual experience, and I recommend anyone with a clone to try it."
"I, uh, I never thought that I could do it with a guy - you know, women were the only thing that ever appealed to me - but in his, I mean, my tender, masculine hands, I melted like butter," Grant lovingly recalls.
The repercussions of human cloning are yet to be truly felt in society. Most ethical and moral groups are staunchly opposed to the practice, whether for medical or sinister purposes; maybe with these revelations of the joy of 'monosex', they will change their ideas on the subject.
The practice also promises to be a boon to the pornography industry, with producers sure to 'lap up' (no pun intended) the possiblities inherent in having sexual intercourse with one's self. It may also mean that one part could be played by two different persons that look exactly the same - a feat previously restricted only to horny twins.
Ladies and Gentlemen, cloning is here...and it feels great!
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