| Scene 1: A large public library. MR SPONTANEOUS and MONROE are currently reading up on 'do-it-yourself appendectomies', planning a new money-making scheme Mr Spontaneous: ...and so then I said to her, "I don't really care if you're having seizures again - I'm not sticking a needle in your arm!" Monroe: Wow, that's ballsy, right there. I bet your mother didn't like that. Mr S.: Well, no...apparently she needs a shot of 500cc's of dihexelphrene to relax her temporary muscular dystrophy or whatever, but as I've told her before: I'm not doing that! The thought of jabbing a needle into someone's arm makes me...ooh, ouchy, pain...yuck. [winces] Monroe: You're the best, Mr Spontaneous. Mr S.: Thanks, Monroe. [In walks CYNTHIA] Cynthia: Hi guys. Monroe: Hi Cyn. Mr S.: Hey, Cyn... Mr S.: Oh...[finally realises Cynthia is offended]...ah, ok. Cyn: Gross!... Mr S.: ...Sorry... Monroe: [chuckling to himself]...Hah, you're so spontaneous, man; that's the part I love! Mr S.: Thanks Monroe. Me too. Cyn: So...ah...*ahem*...anyway...you guys...do you guys want to come see a movie tonight? Monroe: [Hesitant] Um, well... Mr S.: Now Cynthia... Cyn: What?! Monroe: [Getting point across on S's behalf] YOU KNOW THE RULES!!! Cyn: Huh?...Oh, right, that whole 'no plans, spontaneity' thing? Mr S.: -- NO PLANS...MAKE ABSOLUTELY NO PLANS...Everything I do, everything I say is completely impromptu. Monroe: It's what makes him so exciting and lovable. Cyn: But, don't you see the irony? That the very ethos of spontaneity that you espouse finds you making rules with which you regulate yourself? Mr S.: [Pause] Aaah...[Turns to MONROE, turns back]...Buh. Cyn: [Shakes head] Well, geez...Can't you, just, bend the rules then, this once? I mean, it's a great movie - It's by the same people that made-- [Old Lady near the three topples to the ground, lets out a wail] Cyn: What? What happen-- waaiiitt....Sponty, was that you?! Mr S.: [reluctant to admit, then relents in long-suffering tones] *Sigh*...Yeesss it was me. Geeezzz, she was just asking to be pushed over! Cyn: You can't just push people over. Come on, we've been over this-- Monroe: [chuckling] Hi-larious!... Cyn: [Gives Monroe a 'Don't encourage him' look]...We've been over this before: you can't push people to the ground just because you want to be spontaneous, ok? Mr S.: But I...Oh, ok...I can't promise anything, but I'll try not to again... Cyn: ...Well, good... Mr S.: [under breath] You sound just like my mother... Cyn: I heard that! Mr S.: [still under breath]..."Son, I need my shot again", "Son, put the garbage out", "Son, I need my dihexelphrene, help me! Blahblahblah"... Cyn: And how is Mrs Spontaneous, by the way? Mr S.: Better...She comes home from Casualty ward next Monday. Cyn: Yeah, well, whatever...anyway, please try to behave yourself in future, ok? Assault isn't funny, ok?...Well, not always, anyway... Mr S.: ...it's just such an 'off-the-cuff' and zany, wacky thing to do, though! Monroe: It's definitely zany, Cyn. Cyn: Shut up, Monroe. Anyway, I want you both to come to the movies tonight. Mr S.: [Petulant, arms crossed] Hmph...maybe. If I feel like it. Cyn: Good...I hope you will. [A few seconds pass] Monroe: [Returning to book] You know, appendectomy isn't really so hard...and the appendix is such a bullshit organ, it's useless. Everyone should just cut their's out. Mr S.: [under breath, restless] Must....do... Monroe: It's piss easy. Garden spade...Plastic Knife...Hell, even a damned spork could do the trick. Appendix?! Phht, Hah, I laugh at you, appendix!!!... Mr S.: [still under breath, growing anxious] ...something...spontaneous... [Spontaneous finally grows tired of standing around] Mr S.: Come on, let's go get a milkshake. Cyn: OK. Monroe: [Admiring S's idea] Incredible change of tack...Master-stroke! [Three begin to leave] Monroe: Hmm, floor's lumpy...[Realising he's treading on the Old Lady, still writhing on the floor]...Oh, shit...Can I help you up? |
| Scene 2: Outside the Milk Bar, MR SPONTANEOUS, MONROE and CYNTHIA exit from said establishment, along with their mutual friend HAMISH] Monroe: Wow, that was the best 'Chocolate-flavoured Pig Fat-Shake' I've ever had! Mr S.: So Hamish, how ya doing? Hamish: Yeah...I'm not too bad thanks, Sponty. Mr S.: Wasn't it so, uh...what's the word? Oh, yes...spontaneous of us to just *run into* you at the milk bar? Hamish: Uh, yeah, I s'pose it was... Mr S.: [Stops walking, stands tall. In the sky, the Sun disappears behind cloud] HAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA... [Stray dogs scurry away in fear, birds squawk and fly chaotically] ...AHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... [Cars screech to a halt, thunder rumbles low in the distance] ...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!.... [Mr S. stops laughing. Immediately, nature and the world around return to normal] Monroe: [Mouth agape] ...Truly...amazing... Cynthia: [To Hamish] He sure loves to celebrate when things work out spontaneously, huh? Hamish: Ohhhh yeah... Mr S.: [To all, with particularly God-like resonance] Hamish...Your crossing paths with us this fine afternoon is another victory for happenstance, luck and Mother Fate... Cynthia: Herree we go... Monroe: [excitedly, to Mr S.] Tell me more! Mr S.: ...But it is also a victory for me and my way of life - many may mock me, but ye Gods once again smile upon...Mr SPONTANEOUS!!!! [The four begin walking again] Cyn: [To Mr S.] Look, Sponty, I've only known you for, what, four months? Mr S.: That's right, and every day's a pleasure...We met by chance back when-- Cyn: Alright, alright, enough...Anyway, I haven't known you for long, and I started hanging out with you because I thought you were, well, kinda cute, but I've been meaning to ask... Mr S.: Yes? Cyn: What the hell's the deal with you, are you some kind of superhero? Mr S.: Me? No...I'm just-- Cyn: --You're just a 19 year-old guy, right? Mr S.: Yes, well... Cyn: Then why do you always act like such an ass? [Slight pause, S is taken aback] Mr S.: W-W-Well Cynthia...I must say, I'm a little offended. Whatever could you mean? Cynthia: You know, the whole 'evil laugh' thing, making animals and children cower in fear, pushing over elderly ladies...and all that was just today... Mr S.: Well, Cyn, I'm quite glad you asked-- Hamish: Oh f**k, a flashback sequence... [Blurs into flashback] Mr S.: --Back in my childhood. I don't know if I can pinpoint an exact date or time were I emerged, moth-like, from my metaphoric cocoon, but growing up under the same roof as my father - an accountant - and my mother - a chartered accountant - saw me longing to burst free from my shackles - again, metaphoric shackles - and become someone interesting. That is, not an accountant. [We see flashbacks to S's childhood and his 7th birthday party, which involved party games such as 'Match The Profits and Current Assets To Their Non-Depreciated Expense' and 'Let's Journalise!'*. It was one of the few children's parties where kids just fell asleep en masse, in a scene resembling a wartime battlefield] Mr S.: I toyed with many ideas to make myself more interesting to others and, of course, myself: Nudie runs at Baptisms, culminating in me jumping into the holy water bath...high-profile eating disorders...stealing a car and ramming it into a bank - geez, that was a fun twelfth birthday. But all attempts to garner an interesting and fulfilling life by planning failed-slash-saw me end up in juvenile correctional facilities. Finally, after seeing mother break into another of her wild convulsions without any warning, I decided that was the way I would lead the rest of my life: convulsing wildly without warning. Monroe: That's a metaphor too, right? Mr S.: Yes, you dildo Cyn: I see...that all explains a lot. Not very convincingly and in a very contrived first episode-kinda way, but it explains things. Hamish: Hmm, yeah...perhaps more will be revealed in the coming weeks Cyn, bit-by-bit...like television. Monroe: Yeah, it's called 'character development'. Scriptwriters do it all the time - say, for example, if they want people to keep coming back to their website........for instance. Mr S.: That was a little too obvious, Monroe. Monroe: Sorry. [The four have finally reached CYNTHIA'S house] Cyn: [sarcastically] Well, this is where I get off the 'Fun Train'. I'm hoping I'll see you guys tonight. Monroe: [Defiantly] Yeah...whatever. Hamish: Yeah, sure, 8 o'clock? Cyn: Yep, sounds good. [Turns to Mr. S]...and you? Mr S.: [Sarcastically] Who knows what the future holds?!... Cyn: Phht, ok, I'm tired of this; if you're there, you're there; if you're not...too bad. Mr S.: Get used to it, baby. 'Spur-of-the-moment', that's my middle name. Hyphenated. Hamish: That's an odd name. What's that, Eastern European? Mr S.: [Punches Hamish hard in the arm] Hah! Check-mate, Mr Comedy! Hamish: Ow...You fucking bitch! Mr S.: [proudly] How's that for spontaneous, huh?! Cyn: [rolls eyes] Ok...ah, seeya guys. [Walks off, shaking head] Monroe: [still relishing S's behaviour] Hahaha...So quick-witted..."How's that for spont--" [breaks out laughing again]..Hahahaha...aaaah, genius. THE ANSWER TO, WELL, MAYBE A FEW OF THESE QUESTIONS NEXT WEEK IN 'MR SPONTANEOUS'! |