| Scene 1: CYNTHIA waits in the movie cinema's lobby, doubtful that MR SPONTANEOUS or MONROE will show. As expected, the spunky HAMISH arrives Cynthia: Aaaaah...Hi Haim, nice of you to come. Hamish: Wouldn’t miss it for the world, baby... Cynthia: Yeah...I think I know someone who might miss it, though...Just because of his stupid stubbornness and his stupid spontaneity ethos... Hamish: ..The guy can be such a tool sometimes...I mean, get over it, buddy!...I’m handsome, dark and brooding, but that’s just how Buddha made me. I don’t need no stupid act to make me original. Cynthia: Uh-huh. Hey, wait... [MR SPONTANEOUS and MONROE approach the pair] Cynthia: Hmmm....So, you did show up after all, huh? Mr S.: Well, yes and no. Hamish: [puzzled] Yes and no — What do you mean "Yes and no"? Monroe: What he means, pretty-boy, is that we didn't come here because of your little movie outing. Cynthia: Oh really, you – You expect us to believe you came down here of your own accord, that the fact you happened to come to the same cinema to see the same movie as we are is no coincidence?! Mr S.: Yes, yes I do, and I'll tell you why: Because we're not here to see any movies Cynthia: You're at a cinema and you're not here to see a movie? Mr S.: That's right. One hundred and twelve per-cent. Cynthia: Um, I'm sorry, pardon my ignorance – then what, pray tell, are you here for exactly? Mr S.: I'm here to-- Monroe: ...Sorry. Mr S.: C’mon Monroe. You remember our saying. Monroe: Yeessss..."If you’ve got nothing good to say, then go harass young schoolchildren instead." Mr S.: That's right. Now...where were we? Hamish Aaah, let's see: Why you're here at the cinemas when we are, but not as a result of plans you made with us. Mr S.: Yes, that's right...I'm here to see the manager. Cynthia: The Manager? Oh, come on...About what? Mr S.: Popcorn prices. Cynthia and Hamish: Popcorn pri-- yeah, ok, you have to be kidding. What, small, medium, large, that kind of thing? Mr S.: [angrily] Nnnooooo!...I mean wholesale prices. Popcorn in bulk. Cynthia: Popcorn in bulk? Monroe: That's what the man said. Cynthia: W-W-Wh.....What the hell for? Mr S.: I'm looking to get 'into the business'...I plan to help distribute popping corn to disadvantaged street kids who may not have access to popcorn and/or cinemas. Cynthia: [Surprised, but still confused] R-Really?...Wow, that's very...admirable of you. Mr S.: Oh, no...It isn't an exercise in philanthropy; I was planning to pay them 5c an hour to turn the popping corn into finished, delicious popcorn for me to sell... Hamish: ...Oh God... Cynthia: ...That's just cruel!... Monroe: [in admiration] Another masterstroke! Mr S.: I plan to have several divisions: one for popping the corn in giant ovens, another for sorting, a third for buttering and packaging and a fourth that just stares at the production line from behind glass and licks their lips at all that food they can't have. Cynthia: Right, ok...We're going into the movie. If you're joking - and I pray to the Lord above you are - you can join us. Mr S.: [Defiantly] Enjoy the movie! Hamish: Phht...C'mon, babe. [HAMISH and CYNTHIA enter into theatre - CYNTHIA a little cranky about the 'babe' remark] Monroe: OK...right, so now to the Manager's office? Mr S.: [anguished look on face] That was just a ruse...So she didn't know I came to the movies as part of a plan. Spontaneity, remember?!... Monroe: [Looks Upset] You...Y-You mean...we're not going into the popcorn industry? Mr S.: [Realising he can get rid of Monroe] Um...No, of course we are! I tell you what: How 'bout you go find the manager and tee up a meeting, and I'll just go...ah...do some research on some popping techniques. Monroe: Cool! OK, anything for you, buddy! [Monroe departs] Mr S.: OK...Now, to get to Cynthia and put the moves on her...But how to do it without being staid, going in to see the movie or having a boring plan?... [Spots 'Wanted' poster for a known sex offender in lobby. The wanted man bears an uncanny resemblance to Hamish] Mr S.: I'm a frickin' genius. Scene 2: Outside the Theatre Manager's Office. MONROE stands at the door. Monroe: [Thinking aloud] For the good of the company...and the popcorn industry.... [Knocks on the door] Hello? Manager...sir? [Door Opens] Cinema Manager: Yes? What is it, son? Monroe: Ah, yeah, hi. I was wondering...well, we were wondering it if were possible to arrange a meeting with you this evening? Cinema Manager: Ahhh...what about, exactly? You have a complaint about staff? A fellow patron? Our prices? Monroe: We wish to discuss the ever-burgeoning and lucrative popcorn industry. Cinema Manager: I'm...Come again? Monroe: Popcorn. White gold. A puffy, crispy, piping-hot 'licence to print money'. Cinema Manager: I see...Are you a supplier? Monroe: Aah, well, we're a small, young company looking for a leg-up in this cutthroat business...sir. Cinema Manager: OK, right...well, I'll just check my schedule...[looks at completely blank pages of diary]...Yeah, actually, I think I can squeeze you in. Step inside my broom closet - I mean, office. Hah. Hah. Monroe: Did you call this a broom clos-- Cinema Manager: -- Haha, no that's just a little joke. Of course I have an office. I'm a cinema manager. I'm an important person, too. Monroe: O.....K..... [Steps inside office] Cinema Manager: ...Just watch your head on those sewerage pipes... Scene 3: In the lobby. SPONTANEOUS, pretending to be flustered and upset, runs to a police officer. Police Officer: [Talking To An Uninterested Cinema Patron]...You don't know how hard it is remembering to put the safety catch on this gun...I mean -- Mr S.: A guy just sexually harrassed me! Police Officer: He what? Where? Mr S.: Over in Cinema #1 [Points to theatre where HAMISH and CYNTHIA are]. I'm not sure if the right word is 'harrassed' or 'molested'... Police Officer: Oh my God. This is terrible - wait, describe him for me, mate. Mr S.: He's about 5'11", aaah, brown hair [Subtly glances sideways at 'Wanted' poster]...good looking - well, if you're into deformed faces... Police Officer: [Clicks fingers, dashes to wall, grabs poster, runs back] Is this the man? Mr S.: Oh God...That's him! [starts to sob] Police Officer: Rrrriggghtt!! Let's go bust his ass! Mr S.: Don't you think the sicko might enjoy that? Police Officer: Let's go....It's time for payback. [Runs to Cinema #1] Mr S.: [Following OFFICER] ...Frickin'...genius... [Inside theatre, the two search row-by-row for the 'evil sex fiend'. Meanwhile, HAMISH is putting the moves on CYNTHIA] Hamish: So...How are you liking the movie, hun? Cynthia: Maybe I'll know better when it starts. Hamish: Wha-- Oh, yeah...it's still the previews. Haha, sorry babe. [Cynthia smiles weakly] Hamish: You know, you've always been so beautiful. How long have we known each other? Cynthia: Four months. I only moved here in May. Hamish: Oh, right...Well, four months, fourteen years...I feel like I've known you a lifetime...[Suddenly freezes in chair, cold steel pressed against his temple] Police Officer: Leave that poor girl alone, you monster! Hamish: [Nervously] I'm a...what? What the hell? Police Officer: You heard me, you sleaze. The jig is up...Yes, I said 'jig'. Hamish: Jesus Christ, what are you talking about? Police Officer: Laws are in place for a reason, son. My God, do you even need a law to tell you this is wrong? Hamish: That WHAT'S wrong??! [Making sure he keeps out of sight, SPONTANEOUS giggles] Police Officer: Come on, let's go. Your evil will pollute this town no longer. Hamish: Godaaahgeezheyeasytheregetyourhandsoffme!.... [HAMISH is led off in cuffs by a grim Police Officer. CYNTHIA, distraught, gets up and leaves the theatre. SPONTANEOUS waits outside for her] Mr S.: Hey Cynth...W-What's wrong, honey? Cyn: [In shock] Well...well, apparently Hamish is a known sex offender. Mr S.: Wow. [Tries his hardest not to smile] Well, it's always the ones you least suspect, huh? Cyn: Yeah...Yeah... Mr S.: ...And you were all alone in the theatre with that creep? Cyn: Yeah...spooky, huh? Mr S.: [Sounding unconvincing] Surely they've got the wrong man...Oh well, let's go get ice-cream. Cyn: Sure. OK. That would be nice. [The two leave. While Cynthia isn't looking, S pumps his fist in the air] Meanwhile, in the Manager's Office... Cinema Manager: ...and you're saying that with this method of employing homeless street kids, you're likely to cut popcorn margins by up to 60%? Monroe: That's right, sir... [Leans back, inspects nails] ...This is the real world. We're playing hardball here. Cinema Manager: This is a revelation...Let me ask you: how would you like the tender to supply popcorn exclusively to my cinema? Monroe: Would I?!!! Sir, you've made me and my associates happy men tonight. Cinema Manager: Well, you've got it. You start in a week. [Sits back, gets a wistful look] You know, my friend, you're boring...in an interesting and likable kinda way...You remind me of a boy I left behind 19 years ago; I couldn't deal with fatherhood... Monroe: D-D-Dad?! Cinema Manager: D-D-Dirk?!!!! Son?!!! ALL OF THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS – WELL, SOME OF THEM – NEXT WEEK IN 'MR SPONTANEOUS'!! |