| Scene 1: Early morning, before first lectures at University, SPONTANEOUS and CYNTHIA sit on a bench in the common, watching the world go by. Mr Sponataneous: Hmm...is it just me, or is it a little quiet here today? Cynthia: Well, a few of us are missing. Mr S.: Oh yeah, that's right. Poor Monroe is skipping classes to look for a warehouse block to lease. Cyn: So he's seriously going into popcorn manufacturing? Mr S.: Ohhh yeah. This afternoon he's holding interviews for positions in the 'Popping' and 'Packaging' sectors. Cyn: Well I'll be... Mr S.: ...Plus he's dealing with the shock return of his estranged father, the Cinema Manager...Yeah, he's got a lot going on. Cyn: Um, Sponty...Why did you just go over all of that again? I mean, I know what's going on with his Dad. Mr S.: Well, I just figured I should repeat everything that's happened recently...in case anyone's voyeuristically aware of our actions and missed something. Cyn: Right. Well, anyway, I wish him the best with everything. Mr S.: Yeah......He'll go bankrupt within the week. [Slight Pause] Cyn: That was a horrible thing to say about your best friend. Mr S.: Buh. [Another Pause] Mr S.: Hmmm...something spontaneous.... [S pulls a chainsaw out of his bag and begins hacking the bench to pieces] Cyn: [in disbelief] W-W-What the fu-- Cyn: You know...he's... Mr S.: [Still yelling, sawing] Sorry, you'll have to speak up - I'm having trouble hearing you. [Looks down to inspect bench] Cynthia, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stand up...This bench is about to give way. [Cynthia mouthes the word 'Moron' to herself, stands up] Mr S.: Almost there!...TIMMMBERRRRR!!!!! [Bench falls apart. S takes a moment to relish his 'victory' over the bench and the forces of boredom and conformity] Mr S.: ...Yeah, so anyway - where were we? Cyn: Aaah, yeah...I was just saying that Hamish isn't around because it's his bail hearing today... Mr S.: Oh God. Cyn: ...What's wrong?! Mr S.: FFFFuu****k. Cyn: Yeah. According to the police that is what he did. Mr S.: Oh Lord in Heaven - I have to get to that Courthouse. Cyn: Why do you - Waiiit a second! Of course!!! Mr S.: No time to explain, Cyn... Cyn: You framed him!! You've never liked him, ever since he mysteriously showed up in town a year ago with the brooding good looks and cut physique of a teen idol. Mr S.: I wha-- That's ludicrous! I've always liked him!! Cyn: Oh really?! Mr S.: Yeah.... Cyn: Then why did you tell the police that he was the wanted sex offender? Mr S.: Um, hmm, I don't know...maybe because it was an unpredictable thing to do?!!... Cyn: Phht, yeah - grrreat reason. Mr S.: Hey! I can't help who I am!...If the sign says 'DO NOT REMOVE CLOTHES', then I'm sure as hell gonna take my clothes off. Cyn: Right. Can you get going to the Courthouse already?! Poor Hamish... Mr S.: Alright...[Pause]...Could you hold this for me, though? Cyn: [Sighs] Ok... [Takes Chainsaw] [Spontaneous runs off, mumbling 'Oooh, poor Hamish!!' to himself. Sarcastically] Notes: * - See Episode #1B Scene 2: Outside a warehouse down by the river. RAND, the local real estate heavyweight shows prospective buyer MONROE around the place Rand: ...and here we see this attractive concrete forecourt, leading into an extravagant set of World War I era iron sliding doors... Monroe: Uh-huh. Rand: The yard will give you all your truck-parking needs, along with additional space for decorative shipping containers and - if the mood suits - ecstacy-fuelled all-night rave parties. Monroe: Right. Rand: Over here we see an elegant -- Monroe: Alright, Rand...can you cut all the grandiose real estate hyperbole and just tell me about the warehouse in more - how can I put this delicately? - 'non-bullshit' terms? Rand: Ah, sure...I can try. Monroe: What do you mean 'You can try'?! Rand: Well...you see, I was trained to be a straight-up asshole. Monroe: Aaaah...OK....well, do your best. Rand: Okay. [Pause] I'd really love to impress you, Monroe! Monroe: That's great. Thanks, Rand. [Rand composes himself, thinks for a second about how he will approach this new challenge] Rand: Ok..Well, this is a...uh...'big' warehouse. It has...rusty green doors and big, blurry windows ya can't see through. The concrete out here [points around them in the shipping yard] has a lot of cracks in it. Weeds grow in the cracks. Over there you-- Monroe: -- Yeah ok, stop...now you're speaking in, well, wither patronising or child-like tones. I can't tell which. Rand: I'm sorry...I am trying! Monroe: Yeah, c'mon, look... [puts arm around Rand] ...I know you are, tiger!... [Rand smiles] Monroe: ...It's just annoying, is all. [Rand again looks disheartened] Rand: Oh....Oh.........HANG ON! [clicks fingers] Monroe: What? What is it?! Rand: I've got the perfect fun way to tell you about the warehouse and all its many attributes. Monroe: How? Rand: Charades! Monroe: Oh God.... [Rand smiles] Monroe: This isn't a frickin' party, Rand - I'm trying to make a salient capital investment for my business. Rand: And?... Monroe: [relents] Ok. Let me find a milk crate to sit on. Rand: Yay! Scene 3: Inside the Courthouse, an intense bail hearing is taking place in regard to the matter of 'The State v Hamish McMurphy' Prosecutor: ...and, your Worship, it is for these reasons and more that we consider bail should not be granted to the Defendent, and that he should be held until such a time as trial proceedings can commence. Magistrate: [Going red] Oh God. I'm sorry, did I hear you right? He did what with a live carp fish?! Prosecutor: Well, your Worship, in light of your disbelief, may I request that the Court again here what has been taken in record by the stenographer? Magistrate: Certainly, Counsel. [Turns to Stenographer] May the court benefit from rehearing the recorded transcript of this morning's proceedings? Stenographer: Um, ahem [Gags slightly] ...The Court was told...Carp fish...electrical tape....old episodes of F-Troop and Gomer Pyle in digitally-remastered video...baby oil...Garden-variety PVC hose...four members of France's victorious World Cup and Euro 2000 Football champion team...Richard Dean Anderson, dressed as MacGyver... Magistrate: Yes, yes, I'll stop you there...I should think that the Crown is sufficiently satisfied that all the mentioned sexual transgressions have been recorded? Prosecutor: Yes, Your Worship. Magistrate: Very good...Well, in order to not waste anyone else's time, I hearby deny bail-- [Spontaneous bursts into room] Mr S.: Not so fast, highly-paid judicial member!! Magistrate: [aghast] Look..I...I don't know who you think you are, but if you do not remove yourself from this Courtroom immediately, I will be forced to hold you in contempt! Mr S.: Look, I know my rights. If I want to say something or take on someone, I have every right to charge up and take matters into my own hands: That's the justice system. Magistrate: Either you're thinking of a foreign, violent military dictatorship or The Jerry Springer Show. Neither is applicable to the operation of a legal courtroom. Mr S.: Oh, right... [thinks] ...Ohhh, haha, shit yeah. I meant Judge Judy! Of course I can't just charge up and -- Magistrate: Sir, this is your final warning. Baliff?... Baliff: Yes, Your Worship? Magistrate: ...Escort this young man to the cells. Baliff: Yes, Your Worship... Mr S.: WAIT!....At least hear me out, you corrupt, crotchety old ass! Magistrate: Well, I never... Mr S.: THIS MAN IS NOT A SEX OFFENDER!!...I mean, sure, he may look a little like one - I mean, the tracksuit pants are a bit of a tip-off - but he is a decent guy at heart. Magistrate: ...Young man... Mr S.: I mean, take for example this road trip the two of us and this other guy Monroe went on a few weeks ago. Now, I don't really like Hamish; you could say that I think he's an asshole... Magistrate: ...Yes, go on... Mr S.: ...But during our entire trip he was nothing but a complete gentleman - a real swell guy... Magistrate: I see... Mr S.: Hmmm... Magistrate: "Hmmm" what?! Mr S.: Well, I was just thinking that maybe the fact he was so nice the entire time was the fact that he was drugged. Magistrate: Excuse me? Mr S.: Yeah, neither Hamish or Monroe wanted to come away for a road trip with me - especially during the crucial mid-year exams - so I drugged them both and tied them up in the back seat. [Courtroom is stunned] Mr S.: What!! I had to get away from the freezing winter!... Only problem was, we didn't make it all the way. Something told me that a road trip to Bali just wouldn't work... Magistrate: Good lord... Mr S.: ...The car just kept filling up with sea water. I had to pull the two of them out at the last minute. Hamish: So that's how I ended up with this collapsed lung...Aaaaah... Magistrate: What in God's good name possessed you to carry out such twisted acts?! Prosecutor: Yeah, tell us. This is gonna be great for my memoirs... Mr S.: I have a whole philosophy of spontaneity and 'devil-may-care' improvisation. Magistrate: Oh. So you're that guy I keep hearing about over the police radio... Prosecutor: "...dev-il-may-care im-prov-i..." [To Assistant Counsel] Wait, how do you spell 'improvisation'. I don't know how; I'm just a dumb lawyer...Man, my memoirs are gonna kick some ass... Magistrate: [Looks over notes] Well, I can't believe I'm doing this - since it defies every court precedent and convention in the book - but I'm going to adjourn this hearing for a week to mull over the decision. Mr S.: You mean, you're going to accept my evidence, despite my very breaking the law by bursting into a courtroom? Magistrate: [smiling to Hamish] Yes, that's right. See you all next week. [Stands up, leaves] Baliff: All rise... Hamish: I want to thank you for that, man. You really saved me there... Mr S.: Hey, you're still not off the charge...yet. Hamish: Yeah, you're right. I guess you, me and everyone else is just gonna have to come back next week to find out what happens. Mr S.: Yes. Haha. Ha. What a delightfully contrived, audience-seeking plotline. C'mon, let's go get Nachos. WILL HAMISH BE CLEARED OF THE SEX OFFENDER CHARGES? HOW WILL RAND PERFORM 'SPACIOUS INTERIORS, COMPLETE WITH FULLY-FUNCTIONING ELECTRICITY AND HEATING' IN CHARADES? DOES IT STRIKE YOU AS ODD THAT THE MONROE STORY BEGAN AND NEVER REALLY WAS RESOLVED IN THIS EPISODE? DID YOU THINK THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE THIS WAS BECAUSE THE WRITER THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE TOO LONG IN THE EVENT THAT HE DID FINISH THAT SUB-PLOT, AND DIDN'T FEEL LIKE EDITING DOWN THE WHOLE 'COURTROOM DRAMA' THING - ESPECIALLY BECAUSE HE WAS WRITING THE THING SO LATE AT NIGHT? WAS THAT LAST SENTENCE REALLY A SENTENCE, OR A NOVELLA? WILL MONROE DECIDE TO BUY THE WAREHOUSE? WHAT IS CYNTHIA DOING ALL THIS TIME? WILL SHE GET BETTER FRIENDS? FOR THE ANSWERS TO (SOME) OF THESE QUESTIONS, COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR YET ANOTHER LEMONY-FRESH EPISODE OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS'!!! |