| Scene 1: At the city hospital, the CINEMA MANAGER is accompanyed by several ambulance officers in escorting a lightning-struck RAND OXFORD, REAL-ESTATE HEAVYWEIGHT to the emergency hallway. They rush down the hallway, RAND frazzled and laying on a gurney Ambulance Officer: ...and - I'm sorry, am I getting this right? - he held up a steel rod? Cinema Manager: Yes. Yes, that's right. AO: Sorry...Just to clarify again, a violent electrical storm was approaching, and your friend decided that hoisting up a steel rod high in the air would be the smartest course of action?! CM: Aaah...He's not my friend. And we were playing charades. AO: Char- ye Gods man, are you mad? CM: No, he was just demonstr- I'm sorry, did you just say 'Ye Gods Man'? AO: That is correct. [Pause] CM: ...So, anyway, he was demonstrating to me the features of the warehouse property with a vigourous, no-holds-barred game of charades. AO: I see. [Saractically] Yeah...Because that's how I make all my astute property choices, too. CM: You know, why don't you just -- AO: Hey, we're here! [The ambulance officers wheel Rand's stretcher into the emergency room] Melodramatic Head Surgeon: What have we got here? AO: Ah, well this fella's suffered a lightning strike -- MH Surgeon: LIGHTNING?!!!! Oh Zeus, oh mighty king of gods, why do you take these men, in the prime of their lives?! ANSWER ME! [Throws himself on top of the patient in despair, beating fist against table] AO: Um....yeah...I'm sure that, as flattered as he is by your compassion, he'd prefer if you just tried to save him, sir. MH Surgeon: Yes...[stands up, uncreases clothing, composes himself]...Ok, I want 800CC's of Geltandaphthrone X5...STAT! Surgeon's Aide: B-B-But sir! The Government haven't even approved that drug yet! MH Surgeon: HUSH, Clarice! We have no time for bureaucratic red tape! A man's very life is at stake! Cinema Manager: Um, yeah, ah, I'll just wait outside, ok? Scene 2: On the road near the hospital, MR SPONTANEOUS, MONROE and HAMISH hurriedly make their way to the Hospital Monroe: Holy shit, I can't believe that Rand got struck with lightning just after I left to go to your court hearing, Haim! Hamish: Yeah, I know. Poor guy! Monroe: I hardly know him. I'm more worried about how this will effect my chance of snaring that warehouse property. Dad seems to hate him, too. Hamish: Wow. How very sensitive of you...Speaking of your Dad, Mon - do you even know his name?! Monroe: It's either 'Dad' or 'Cinema Manager'. Not sure which. Hamish: Riiight... [To Mr Spontaneous]...I'm falling off again. Mr Spontaneous: Just hold tight, pretty boy. Not long now. Monroe: Couldn't we have just taken Hamish's car? Why the hell did we all have to ride piggyback to the hospital on your scooter? Mr S.: You'll be thanking me when people see how cool we are...it's like if, 7 years ago, we all came to the hospital in the same pair of rollerblades. Monroe: Gotcha. I gotta hand it to you, Spont - you're right yet again! Mr S.: It's hip...and ultra-unplanned and spontaneous! [Hamish, having had enough, jumps off Monroe's back] Monroe: W-W-What are you doing?! Hamish: Ah, I'll walk the rest of the way... Monroe: It's still another two kilometres. Hamish: I know. Trust me on this one. I'll see you at Emergency. [starts walking] Mr S.: Don't worry, Mon. Without his fat ass, we'll make it in double-quick time. Monroe: Hamish isn't fat! Mr S.: He is, trust me: I've seen him without his pants on. Monroe: ...Y-Y-You've seen him without his -- Mr S.: -- Monroe, stop talking. Your mouth movements are hampering our aerodynamics here. Monroe: Sorry. Scene 3: SPONTANEOUS and MONROE finally arrive at the emergency room. Inside, the ambulance officers are still attempting to revive RAND, and the CINEMA MANAGER is fighting with the AMBULANCE OFFICER about...well, whatever comes to mind. [Spontaneous and Monroe enter] Mr S.: ...Yeah, so anytime you want to borrow it - Hamish?! How the hell did you get here ahead of us by walking?! Hamish: I walked back two kilometres to get my car from the Courthouse carpark, then drove here. Even had time to have a nap - been a tiring day. Where were you guys? [Spontaneous mutters 'precocious pr**k' under his breath] [Monroe rushes to the side of his father and Rand] Monroe: Dad, how is he?! Cinema Manager: Uh, well, there's no positive signs yet, son...but we're hopeful. Monroe: But...I thought you didn't even like the guy! CM: Well son, I don't...But Jesus, I don't want him to die! Monroe: Aaaah... CM: ...Maybe just wake up thinking he's a woman or something, but not die! Monroe: Right. [Pause] So, did he mention to you the names of anyone else that was interested in the warehouse? CM: Aaah, no, it was pretty much straight after you left that he had his meeting with around 100,000 volts of pure, unadulterated electricity. Monroe: Ok...No mention of any...ah, papers or anything? I really want that place. Popcorn manufacture of the scale that I'm proposing needs a large base. CM: I see. You know your stuff. Monroe: Hah. [Sounds all business-like] You can't afford to go into this game with the wool over your eyes, Dad. CM: That would be...the Popcorn business? Monroe: That's right. 100 percent. Big-time... [In the background, Spontaneous fidgits around] Mr S.: Dammit...somethingspontaneous, somethingspontaneous.....ah-HA! Got it! Monroe: ...popcorn is not a game to play for the weak of heart or the slow of wit...you need reflexes and wiles like a panther, Dad. A Panther. CM: Haha...That could be your mascot, the 'Popcorn Panther'. Monroe: [Pause] Heyyyy....My God, you're right!... CM: Son, it was just a joke -- Monroe: The 'Popcorn Panther': delivering you quality, and the deadly high-cholesterol cocktail of lots of salt and truckloads of butter'...That's going onto the 'To Do' list, right there. [Spontaneous sneaks around on the other side of Rand's bed, near the tray full of syringes and various medical drugs] Monroe: "...the 'Popcorn Panther': bringing you the 'roar' flavour of popped corn and animal fats!" Get it, Dad? That play on words? 'Raw', substituted with 'roar'? As in the panther's... CM: Yeah, yeah, I got it son. Monroe: ALRIGHT!...Alright, no need to get touchy Mr. 'Sorry son, I won't be home for the next 16 YEARS!' CM: Do you have to rub that in during every conversation we have? Monroe: Well, not 'have to'... [Suddenly, Spontaneous leaps up from his crouched position and pricks a syringe into Rand's arm] Mr S.: Look everyone! It's Dr. Spontaneous! Monroe: Sponty...NO!! My precious warehouse... Melodramatic Head Surgeon: EGADS! Contemptuous adolescent swine, how dare you strike at thine patient's arm with yonder medical dagger?! Mr S.: [removing syringe] Relax...I saw this remedy for lightning strike-induced comas on an episode of Teletubbies MH Surgeon: [Throws hand against forehead] You expect all of us gathered here to believe that a children's television show expedites medical remedies to its audience?! Mr S.: Well, it was one of those Teletubbies episodes that got pulled after the first time it ran, and then got banned - you know, for subliminal messages. It also featured flashes of nudity, and a segment called 'Rainbows!' where the phrase 'You Love Hitler' repeatedly flashed across the screen. [All in the room look confused] Mr S.: Actually, that may have been the episode I made in my head while I was stoned. Saves on production costs. [Rand begins to come to] Rand: [Moaning woozily] Ehhh....arrhr...keith richards...*grunt*...eeehhhhhhhwhat?! WHAT?!! Where am I?! Ambulance Officer: Relax, sir. You're in City Hospital. You were struck by lightning -- MH Surgeon: -- O BLESSED MIRACLES OF SAINT AUGUSTINE! MERCIFUL JOYS SPRING FORTH FROM THE HAPPY SEASON OF AUTUMN!!... AO: [Interrupting] ...Ah, it's Spring now. MH Surgeon: [Goes on unnoticing] ...OH, THANKYOU DIVINITIES, THANKYOU FOR BESTOWING UPON US THIS YOUNG MAN [Points to Spontaneous] TO GRANT HIS HEALING TOUCH UPON THE CURSED, WRETCHED ILL MAN WE SEE BEFORE US! Mr S: Don't thank me; thank an ethos of spontaneity, two years of teenage drug experimentation and warped children's television. Rand: Yes...Now I remember...Y-Y-You, you saved my life! [Points to Cinema Manager] CM: Me? No, I -- Rand: -- If you hadn't of quickly called the ambulance, before trying to resuscitate me, I wouldn't be talking to you now! CM: You felt that? Rand: Yes, I did. CM: [aside] ...He must never know I was trying to kiss him. Rand: Let's bury the hatchet, shall we...friend? [The Cinema Manager smiles. The two hug] Rand: Uh, don't touch me there. [The Melodramatic Head Surgeon is praising Mr S.] MH Surgeon: You're the Messiah! Your touch could heal the masses! I-I-I can't... Mr S.: [shoves another needle into MHS's arm] You go nap now! [Cynthia bursts in] Cynthia: I heard someone got struck by lightning, I skipped classes and came down - Is Sponty ok? Hamish: Yeah, he's fine. He's just been messing around with high doses of administered prescription drugs. Cynthia: Oh, ok. Well, at least I got here before the end of an episode. I mean, at least I got here to lend my support. Hah. Hah. Ahem. Hamish: Well, the guy's out of his coma now, anyway. Cynthia: Who was it: some boring real-estate guy? Hamish: Yes, he works in real-estate. [They both walk over to the bedside] Monroe: Mr Oxford, I have something important to tell you...I'll take the warehouse!! [All Gasp] MONROE'S GOING TO BUY THE WAREHOUSE? BUT, I THOUGHT THIS WHOLE POPCORN INDUSTRY THING WAS A VERY BAD JOKE? NO? WILL HE BE A SUCCESS? WHY WAS CYNTHIA SO INTERESTED IN WHETHER SPONTANEOUS WAS HARMED? JUST HOW DID HAMISH MANAGE TO BEAT SPONTANEOUS AND MONROE TO THE HOSPITAL? THERE ARE THESE GIRLS THAT I LIKE; WHICH ONE SHOULD I ASK OUT? MURDER MAY BE LEGALLY WRONG, BUT IS IT REALLY ETHICALLY WRONG? WHAT IS THE CINEMA MANAGER'S REAL NAME?! HOW DID SPONTANEOUS, A MORON, MANAGE TO BRING A COMA PATIENT TO CONCIOUSNESS USING RIDICULOUS AMONUTS OF ADMINISTERED DRUGS? WHEN THE HELL WILL WE FIND OUT IF HAMISH GOT OFF THE 'SEX' OFFENDER' CHARGES - IT'S BEEN A FEW WEEKS, ALREADY? WAS THAT LAST QUESTION BADLY-PHRASED? WILL CYNTHIA GET BETTER FRIENDS? FOR THE ANSWERS TO (SOME) OF THESE QUESTIONS AND MANY MORE, COME BACK FOR EPISODE #2A OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS'!! |