Example #1

FULL NAME: Nicholas George 'Ferdie' Marland
MALE OR FEMALE: Male
LIVING ARRANGEMENT: A *suspicious* nightclub in King's Cross called 'Seedy
McCredie's Scottish Good-time Bar'
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW: 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien'....or repeats
of 'Petticoat Junction'
FAVORITE MOVIE:  'Politzia Academy'.....It's basically the Italian
equivalent of the 'Police Academy' movies, with a few exceptions 1) It is
shot in black and white 2) It involves a tragic tale of love lost and
suicide for the Larvell Jones (Micheal Winslow) character......He gets so
melancholy pondering life, love, karma and the universe that he deliberately
doesn't take a breath whilst doing his infamous 'Police Siren' sound effect
and explodes
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: Hahaha, no......Well, depends....I work and I do get
paid....but It's not a job.
Confused? So am I....
WHO PAYS ON A DATE GUY/GAL OR BOTH?: Well, firstly, I'd like someone to tell
me what a 'date' is and what it's like.....sounds like fun
Secondly, we decide who pays in a random manner through a coin-toss.
If she wins, I kick her until she decides she'll pay.

So basically, the girl pays.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?: A portrait of former American President Grover
Cleveland
FAVORITE MAGAZINE: 'Teen Burt Reynolds Fan' Monthly
FAVORITE SMELLS: The fresh, crisp smell of a freshly unwrapped 'Teen Burt
Reynolds Fan' magazine
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When I kill someone, yet stupidly forget to burn
the body (duh! I mean: C'mon!)
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Underwear that rides up *just* far enough....
FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK: Soundtrack?....That's a little *obscure*?!...OK....Real
answer: 'Natural Born Killers' soundtrack / Fake Answer: Goddamn
'Grease'...If I hear one of those songs again....
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING?: Where in the world is Bob Saget today and how I will
crush
and destroy him.
ARE YOU A VIRGIN: OK, look over my answers, then ask yourself: "Is he a
virgin?"
IF YOU ARNT, HOW DID YOU LOSE IT:
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?: Yes. Oh God yes.
I'm covered in vomit right now.
ROLLER COASTERS -- SCARY OR EXCITING?: Ho-Hum....You want real thrills? Try
drinking mercury!!!.....Man, that's INTENSE!
PEN OR PENCIL?: I have no need for your foolish mortal writing elements....I
have harnessed the power of 'HyperMemory' and store all important data in my
cerebellum
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?: I never answer the phone; I'm
afraid it's, like, these secret agents who are only ringing to confirm I'm
in the house. When they do they will then launch a vicious strike on my
house. So I let it ring.
FAVORITE PLACE TO VACATION?: At high altitudes with the karmically-aligned
Buddhist Monks
FUTURE SONS NAME: Declan
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME: McMurphy Credencia
FAVORITE FOODS: Anything that's been given several months behind the
refridgerator to give it texture, character and millions of fungus spores
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: Well, that all depends....If they ever
give me problems, I threaten them with physical violence....So yes, I guess
I do get along with them.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?: My lawyer advises me to decline answering.
FAVORITE ICE CREAM: Tofu
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS?: Funny you should ask [winks].....I like pigs that
have been genetically-engineered so that they are entirely comprised of
crouton-like material. That way I don't feel as mean when I slaughter them
for food
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?: I wouldn't know....I still haven't a driver's licence
to speak of.
I refuse to drive on environmental grounds
No, scratch that....that makes me sound like a hippy
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?: Do you mean.....like, *dead* stuff
animals? Products of taxidermy?!
Yooouu maakkeee me......SICK!!
STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?: Let me tell you: Whoever thinks storms are romantic
or awe-inspiring is a FOOL!
I have been struck by lightning approximately 136 times in just 18 years of
life.
There are parts of me that are melting right now as I type this.....My eye
just boiled in it's socket.
There's nothing 'cool' about storms.
WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?: A car I built completely out of stolen spare
parts and with a paper-mache chassis. It was powered by lemon juice.
FAVORITE NON--ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Coffee [shakes]....Lots and l-l-lotsa
coffee....
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?: Libra ____INSERT TAMPON JOKES HERE_____
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET?: Either Yeats or the guy that wrote the old
McDonald's 'Big Mac' song.
You know? "Two all-beef paddies, special sauce, le--" Ah, screw it, none of
you will appreciate the subtlety
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLi? What's a 'broccoli'?
GIRLS - WOULD YOU EVER ASK A GUY FOR HIS SHIRT?: Speaking for myself...oh,
sorry......girls
Right.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT
BE?: Comedy writer.....or Bondage Mistress.
When you think about it, they're not really that far apart
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT
BE?: The colour of a thousand beauteuous sunsets mingled with the pinkish
hues of clouds lifting in the stratosphere over a calm, placidly mesmeric
ocean.
Wait, that sounds gay.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: Yes.
WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?: White paint, with a tinge of
mould....Hmm, really should do something about that. Um, what else? My Year
12 shirt with the signatures of all those people I went to school with (and
secretly hate)....and your usual crop of posters......
Plus blueprints of the world's first 'flying restaurant'. Man, is that thing
gonna make me rich.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: Asking me about a glass in a
text-based medium *just won't work*, sorry!! You fool!!

Half-empty.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SNAPPLE?: Go away, American scum!!
ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS?: See previous 'HyperMemory'
question.
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?: Of course! I didn't spend
4 1/2 years at 'Typing & Receptionist School' for nothing!!
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?: My brother. No seriously......It's a bunk and we
share the room.
FAVORITE COLOR?: Blue.....I don't know, I'm a boring fuck.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?: 1324.879|¡¡¡x¡. Trust me, It's a number. I
designed a flying restaurant, remember...
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?: A Holden 'Tourist'. It's the only car with built-in
cameras, maps, and crappy tourist clothing....So wherever you go, you look
like you don't belong there.
FAVORITE MEMORY AS A CHILD: Uttering 36 highly offensive curses during a
solilquy in a Year 1 Nativity play.....It was a record.
I was Joseph.
People loved it when I told the Innkeeper with no rooms that he was a
'Mishapen fat C**t-head'
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS
TO YOU: I don't know her at all
She's the friend-of-a-girlfriend-of-a-friend. There, I think that's right.
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO
RESPOND: Actually, I could probably think of quite a few....
PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Ralph Malph from 'Happy Days'.......first
person I thought of
Don't think he's in my address book, though
IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE,WHERE WOULD IT BE?: Maaannn.....That's too *deep*
for me.
Um, I guess in a warm place, where life's lessons weren't so f#%ked up and
you could actually enjoy yourself without people telling you you weren't
attractive or appealing to be around. Where all the world's people had a
home and opportunities like I've been lucky to have.
And they all had bent senses of humour, so I seemed funny instead of just
weird.
I'd like that.

Example #2

FULL NAME: Nicholas George Marland
NICKNAME(S):
DATE OF BIRTH: 10/10/81
BIRTHPLACE: Westmead Hospital's "Special Freak-baby" Unit
HOMETOWN: Wentworthville..........ooh, classy
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS: Croutons........you float them in soup and no-one
will eat it.........either that or make the soup mauve-coloured
FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING: Many will argue with me on this and suggest
'Pennzoil Super GT", but for me their is no better flavour on the pallette
than the classic "Castrol GTX2".........but hey, that's just me
WHAT DO YOU DRINK: See above, or for those special occassions, such as a
few nights stranded in the desert, one's own urine can usually quench a
thirst
HAVE YOU HAD YOUR APPENDIX AND/OR TONSILS REMOVED: No, but once i had a
nasty nail that had chipped off, and i had to break the glass and open my
'emergency manicure kit'.
SHAMPOO OR CONDITIONER: Both, but usually i go without and live with
hippies in the trees who are protesting against the logging of old-growth
forests.....i fit in better with grease literally dripping off my hair
HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY-DIPPING: No, Don't even think about that....the
Earth's waters are precious.
DO YOU MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE: Phht!!...Are you kidding?!!...yes, myself
mostly, then Roger, but that's a victimless crime
WHICH MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS CAN YOU PLAY: Guitar, Voice, Bass, Drums, and the
occassional elkhorn...after about 8 beers
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME: NO!...the charges were
dropped.....why can't you people leave me alone?!!!......That old lady was
just ASKING to be flashed!.....
ONE PILLOW OR TWO: I sleep on a marble slab in an oxygen chamber, so
obviously your question is meaningless to me
PETS: A cat and an exchange student named Gunta
FAVORITE TYPES OF MUSIC: Jeff Buckley, Nine Inch Nails, The Smiths, The Cure, Helmet, XTC and The Best of 50's Skiffle Music 1 & 2
DREAM CAR: One of those small clown cars with the big horn which you pack
like 50 people into, or an ice cream truck which only sells fajitas
TYPE OF CAR YOU DRIVE NOW: Um, i have a tricycle?......
FAVORITE TOOTHPASTE: Tooth------paste?!!!!
FAVORITE FOOD: Small children who foolishly stray into my self-made
"Kiddymeal" traps set up around my frontyard
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: Yeah, depends.........i'm not a long
lost Menendez brother, if that's what you're asking
FAVORITE TOWN TO CHILL IN: I don't really go anywhere, since i have no-one
to go with, but if i had to nominate somewhere i would say Rooty
Hill...........i never go there but........hehehe.....the
name......hehehe.........funny and juvenile
FAVORITE ICE CREAM: Elf-Pops: the delightful ice-treat with the green,
stinking ooze centre!
FAVORITE SOFT DRINK: Coke or any of it's impossibly sweet No-Frills
variants
FAVORITE TYPE OF FAMILY GAME TO PLAY: "Who's The Most Disturbed?" or "Nude
Twister"......but don't tell Child Welfare
WHAT IS YOUR BAD TIME OF DAY: Days are to be cherished and not treated as
good in some parts and bad in the remainder......life is a precious nothing,
and no matter what you are thrown, you have to enjoy it, or learn from it,
step up and conquer adversity to MAKE it better....
Um, morning mainly, but anytime can suck.......depends.....is anyone reading
this?
FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR: Years are to be cherished and.......yeah alright,
i'll shut up.....ah, from September through to the end of
January......depending on what happens to me
ADIDAS, NIKE, OR REEBOK: I've been forced to labour in cramped sweat-shops
for all three companies, and i'd say probably adidas is the best.......they
give you a ham as an end of year bonus!!.....admittedly the ham is composed
of entrails, off-cuts from the shoes and all the workers who died in that
calendar year, but it's the thought that counts.
FAVORITE PERFUME OR COLOGNE: Scent Of A Mixed-Up Loser.....suits me down to
the ground
FAVORITE SUBJECT IN HIGH SCHOOL: probably english......that department is
alot more pleasurable to sleep with for extra marks........Mr P is lovable
and cuddly, like that childhood teddy bear from days past
LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT: The rest, particularly my 3U Freestyle Jazz Ballet
class.....i picked it thinking i could have free reign of my routines, but
after my abstract "Urinal cakes and the phliosophies of Nietzsche"
half-yearly practical performance, my teacher really came down hard on me
FAVORITE MOVIE YOU HAVE SEEN RECENTLY: South Park.........sodomy has never
been quite so prevalent in a major movie release.....except for maybe that
scene that eventually got cut from later versions of Dead Poets Society,
where they're all in that dark cave.....
FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME: I don't know..........Barney Learns To Count:
Part VIII, maybe?
FAVORITE TV SHOW OF ALL TIME: Seinfeld, Late Night With Conan O'Brien, The
Simpsons, Monty Python............but how can you go past all those
infomercials with Buzz Aldrin or some fat chick from an obscure American
program about life as a Mid-Western cheese manufacturer in the bustling
metropolis of New York?
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Beer.........it's my Australian duty to say that
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: Rugby League, Soccer or a Man vs. Bear cage match
of wrestling
ANYTHING "DIFFERENT" ABOUT YOU: Um, have you been reading? anyone who knows
me will testify that they usually just smile and nod, then poke some needle
in me and fly me to an undisclosed location where top neurologists ask me
"What the hell is wrong with you, freak?"
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Lauren is lovely
and inexplicably puts up with me and my whinging...........that's more than
one thing, but it's my e-mail now, so you'll either read it or delete
it........NOOOO!!! i was just kidding!
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: i am oblivious as
to who i will actually send it to, so that wraps up two questions neatly in
one pretty polka-dot bow, doesn't it?
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Polka-dot bow,
anyone?
OTHER: What else can be said?......run whilst you still have the strength
and composure.....because i WILL wear you down eventually with my endless
stupidity and lack of underwear...be afraid