Phrases You Will Never Say Or Hear

Enjoy a foray into the heady world of phraseology and lexicology*

* - Word stuff

Phrases. Constructs of sequential words which act as a unit within a sentence. We all use them... but what about phrases you would normally neither say nor hear for whatever reason? Or the phrases that, when heard completely out of context, confuse you for days?
Mule HQ has decided to collate and collect these neglected, stupid, offensive phrases into one shiny page and you, the reader with too much time on his/her hands are the person/people that will benefit/not benefit. So enjoy these examples of bad tact, stupidity and weirdness - the kind of things you come to this site for - and enjoy.

Wait, I already said 'enjoy'. Phrases are f**king confusing...

  • "I feel Tom Selleck's best years of acting are ahead of him."

  • "After five long years of research, we have the 'Holy Grail': a new technological innovation that prevents male pattern baldness amongst chimps."

  • "CAPS LOCK sucks man.... the 'Scroll Lock' key is my favourite."

  • "When we get to the hotel, I bags the bed with the stains all over it!"

  • "The mark you've received for your essays isn't so much a reflection of the quality but more a reflection of the fact that I don't like any of you."

  • "I'm a vegetarian, so I only eat meat that has been dyed green beforehand."

  • "That's what I like about you: your stale odour."

  • "Hi, I'm Nick Marland: the answer to all your dreams, baby."

  • "I feel that David Hasselhoff's best years of singing are ahead of him."

  • "Before we make love, can I ask you: do you scream when cut with a knife? Just curious."

  • "...And the Australian dollar, after a record day of trading, is currently buying US $3."

  • "No, you're mistaken: no-one 'makes' candy... it's mined from an ancient shaft in Peru."

  • "Declare your love for me, Hildegard, lest I open a can o' whoopass on yo' bitchass hide"

  • "It's days like today that make you realise how fragile and truly precious spandex hotpants are."

  • "There are plenty of exciting new things going on in the world of paper manufacturing, believe me."

  • "You smell like bees. Am I to assume there is honey on the premises?"

  • "You heard me - drive the car off the cliff, post-haste"

  • "Look, if you were a hippopotamus, wouldn't you?

  • "We present to you: FUNGUS!"

  • "Look, I know I'm not a qualified doctor, son, but why don't you let me and your Mother do this appendectomy ourselves?"

  • "And on the fourth day God said 'Let there be bacon'... And there was."

  • "You've presented me with a dilemma: Keep the mauve safari suit or do away with my old nemesis Count Freakystein."

  • "It's people like you that make me want to start my own cult."
  • "Ok, before we have sex - I just want you to know that I am a virgin, unless you count animals. No?"

  • "I reckon leprosy kicks polio's shaky ass any day, my friend"

  • "But officer, I was only speeding because of the crack cocaine I just ingested. Wait...damn!!!"

  • "Look, I want us to break up...but please, know that that it's not yor fault, it's -- Ah, f**k it, it's all you."

  • "We Doctors find the best cure for extreme hiccups is shock. Take your pants off while I heat this iron rod."

  • "The kidnappers will talk, but only if we compile a 'greatest hits' tape of Seasons 1-4 of Barney the Dinosaur"

  • "...And then she ATE the tampon?"

That's it for now, but remember - "Language is constantly evolving, and Mule HQ is the primordial ooze".

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