US Election Controversy Overshadowed by Student Election Furore
Lil' Freddie Rather, leader of the Scooter Coalition
Bitter Political Rivalry Boils Over At The Polls
Food Thrown, Opponent Calls Timmy A "Poo-eater" As Election Is Engulfed In Chaos
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15TH - As the drama in Florida drags the ongoing US Election Count into its eighth day, a new seismic blip on the political landscape has overshadowed it. Chaos has endangered the democratic process in Year 4 Class Elections at Budgewoi Public School, on the New South Wales Central Coast, prompting political analysts to ask the question: "Democracy - What went wrong?"
The grave fears come after a routine class election - intended to teach children some basic political ideas, and provide some children with early experience in public representation - became a full scale, bitterly contested campaign - culminating in a poll tainted by allegations of vote tampering, a oftentimes violent food fight, name-calling and a sex scandal into the bargain
The two antagonists in this running battle - dubbed 'Fight For The Monkey Bars' by several key analysts - are 9 1/2 year old 'Lil' Democratic Party' rep Timmy Langdon and 'Scooter Coalition' founder and candidate Freddie Rather, 9 years and two months old.
The imbroglio started when, at an informal class debate scheduled just before 'playlunch' (morning recess), Langdon blasted minor candidate and ticket-splitting Junior 'Citizens for Barney' representative Gregg Mastry for, quote, "getting in the way of the 'real deal' candidates", to which Mastry replied with a sustained five minutes of "I know you are, but what am I?" before finally submitting to Langdon's cat-calling and breaking down into loud crying. Langdon responded to this display of vunerability by calling Mastry "such a child", before Rather - a Mastry ally in the race for class president - broke his silence, calling Langdon a "poo-head".
Rather was sent to the principal's office with a note, but objected, claiming that the Principal lacked "delegated executive authority" with which to preside over such a disciplinary hearing.
"Is he an elected representative of the people?" asked Rather at the time. "No, he is appointed by a separate board of control. This election is intended to provide us with an authority which is the highest in the playground - answerable only to the law courts and the people. This is totally unconstitutional"
"Besides, [Principal] Donaldson drinks his own pee," Rather added.
Only two weeks later, the Rather camp revealed photos taken on October 27th which showed an enthusiastic Timmy Langdon in comprising, often heated games of both 'Kiss and Catch' and 'Truth or Dare'.
"Fellow students, do you really want a leader who can't keep his lips to himself? We have suffered too much immorality from our leaders...on Election Day, avoid the sex-crazed 9 year-old, and vote for the 9 year-old that is happy to hold hands and write love letters, as opposed to partaking in sordid 'Kiss and Catch' make-out orgy sessions!"
A subsequent investigation by the Parents and Citizens Association (P&C) was later dropped.
Following these nasty incidents, the peace was held until the polls took place last Monday (Nov. 13th). Rather lost the vote by a margin of only 8 votes, and immediately cried foul. He alleged that Langdon and "his cronies" had manipulated the vote, pointing to the margin as chief evidence.
In response, teacher and acting returns officer Angela Denley informed Rather that in a class of 27 students, "a margin of eight is hardly strange".
Angry Pro-Rather fans, incensed at this rebuttal and the apparent loss, commenced a violent food fight at 1:23pm Australian Eastern Standard time Monday ('Big Lunch') following the result. Several clothes were stained with mayonnaise, and one young girl had to be treated after the contents of a tub of yogurt were emptied onto her hair.
Following this collapse of order in the small New South Wales school, political analysts hold grave fears for the future of democracy.
"Maybe those filthy Communists were right," said noted political pundit Micheal T. Fredricks. "First we have had the relatively low-key bungles in the US, now we have a major collapse of the democratic process in this small, powerful primary school for children aged 4-13."
"It makes you wonder where the world is headed, and whether the USSR was a little hasty to disband. Freedom, liberty, equality, proportional representation - it's all in jeopardy. Just give one of the kids a tank and let him assume control with an iron fist. Messy, but not as messy as having grapes mushed into your school uniform - and you have to admit, it's a lot less confusing."
