THE TRUE STORY OF THE DUCK INCIDENT

The following story is true. Absolutely true. The E-mail messages are left in their entirety, uncut or unchanged except for where names are inserted.The names of the company that I worked for and the fellow employees thereof have been changed to protect the innocent. Well, maybe not innocent, but those involved anyway.

On Wednesday, February 25, 1999, snow fell about three inches deep on the ground of Smyrna, Georgia, which was our first snow of the season. I had just gotten back after three and a half sick days (second half of Thursday where I had my doctor’s appointment, Friday, Monday and Tuesday). I am a help-desk MIS technician at a certain insurance company which we shall call LifeSpan Insurers for the duration of this narrative. I learned that during the previous weekend someone had broken into the building and had stolen, among all things, the small refrigerator in the meeting room, and perhaps a sandwich left on another employee’s desk, leaving all computer equipment and other valuables. Indeed strange. (Though I think the lady lost her own sandwich.)

I dare say that the same strange phenomenon that makes a person steal and leave such strange choices is also present in the president of the company who, as far as I know of, expressed nothing about the stolen fridge, but much about a duck. For as long as I’ve worked here, there has been a bird bath near the front door, and a rubber ducky rested in it. I had always noticed it, though I had never asked whose it was. As I arrived early that Wednesday morning, I immediately found the following E-mail with the above picture posted to everyone in the company. It was but the beginning of something big, and exceedingly weird.

It was almost immediately that the following message was sent out by an employee we shall call Daniel:

Subject: The duck crisis

Against all my better judgment, I still feel compelled to respond to the recent brouhaha regarding the duck.

I do not know who has purloined the duck. In fact, I find these types of ducks to be vaguely disquieting and inherently evil (much in the manner that clowns and Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance, are). Nevertheless, I can understand how one may be upset when the duck goes missing.

Therefore, I am offering for the cause the services of my Taco Bell chihuahua to fill in until the duck is returned to his rightful place. I know he's no duck, but he is not without his own unique charms.

A pox on the evil ducknappers.

To the untrained eye, most would think Craig was doing the right thing. But immediately, I eyed Craig as a suspect since he is the only one I know of who would easily able to disable a Duck-Jack system, proficient as he is with such devices. Also, I realized how THE CLUB for ducks could’ve prevented the whole situation. But by this time several possible leads had come to my attention. This is when I decided I had to act and make people aware of all these leads. I E-mailed this to everyone in the company:

Subject: TOP 20 LEADS TO THE MISSING DUCK

SINCE WE DEFINITELY SUSPECT "FOWL" PLAY,
HERE ARE THE TOP 20 POSSIBLE LEADS ON THE MISSING DUCK

20. Pretty sure duck had a butler
19. Cows holding duck ransom to advance their EAT MOR CHIKIN campaign
18. Craig Landers recently seen hiccupping with suspicious yellow feathers flying out of his mouth
17. Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe
16. Fell victim to a game of Duck Duck Goose gone horribly wrong (should know better than to "goose" Donald Duck, who is known to fly off the handle in bad sportsmanship)
15. Something to check out: Was the duck ever in any form of competition with Tonya Harding?
14. Not to worry, OJ Simpson volunteered to help us find the "real kidnapper"
13. Duck owned and drove a new S.U.V. You figure it out
12. Duck is at local dance club getting jiggy with it to the song "Disco Duck"
11. Eric Rudolph recently reported to have stolen many books from local Barnes & Noble, among them, Chinese Cookbook. Coincidence?
10. Recently, I tawt I taw a putty tat!
_9. Knew the snow was comin'--headed south
_8. Will not be easily located because he had his name changed to a word which is not pronouncable to the human tongue, only to ducks. Will to us be known hereafter as the Artist formerly known as Duck
_7. He will return to us soon without any knowledge of the past few days and a mysterious biological implant in his left wing
_6. Visiting his friend, Ernie, from Sesame Street, where he "will be more appreciated."
_5. Currently feeling the effects of centrifugal force in a local rotisserie machine
_4. Recently learned he was the latest target in Jerry Fallwell's homosexual witchhunt, perhaps he got out of dodge
_3. Spontaneous combustion, giving new meaning to the term "burning rubber" (t'was a rubber duckie, you see)
_2. Was recently informed of his rights as a United States animal citizen, left to take on life as an equal member of society rather than be oppressed as a decoration

AND THE NUMBER ONE POSSIBLE LEAD ON THE MISSING DUCK:

_1. Two words: Duck sauce

The response was overwhelming, yet no duck was found. It wasn’t long before Cheryl, one of our most spiritual employees sent me this:

On the phone she informed me that the president of the company was a homosexual, which I didn't know because I didn't ask and she didn't tell. Apparently Cheryl thought I should know this in case she should take offense to #4 on the list regarding Jerry Fallwell's homosexual witchhunt. But, like me, I expressed that the president would find that absolutely hilarious a jab at the idiot Fallwell. Duck, meet Tinky Winky!

Now by this time, people were telling me that the president of the company was serious and felt hurt, as though all the E-mail mockery was upsetting her. However, she had sent me the following:

This left me with the impression that she was amused, at least by mine. After all it didn't carry the tone of someone upset, but rather a tone that she was trying to give me a funny response. (Plus, I know the president to be a good actress and one who likes to trick others.) Therefore I ignored people’s insistance of this for the rest of the day, and I believe she may have led them to believe this as a joke on their behalf! But, to be on the completely safe side, I did send here this E-mail:

Subject: Some words of encouragement and understanding

Please keep in mind these were "possible" leads, and none declared concrete. Therefore there is no guarantee, not only that ducks are actually used in the sauce, but also that your duck's fate terminated there. As with Elvis, UFO's, and the like, it is certain that many claims or sightings will find their way to you regarding your precious duck. It may behoove you to take all with a grain of salt until any are proven.

President Clinton is also a suspect (seems that the duck may have had some connections, and therefore "dirt", on several scandalous activities undergone by the Commander in Chief) but he is at present ducking all accusations. (No pun intended.)

Will keep you informed of any and all activity.

If the day’s proceedings were not strange enough, the next E-mail sent to everyone was the following:

Which was immediately followed by this enigmatic (and potentially offensive) E-mail from employee Terry Seinfeld, who shared the same first name and sat only two cubicles away in the same room from Mason:

And the massive response of people to Terry Seinfeld, that her message was potentially offensive, that nobody understood what she meant by this, which ends up being a silly little inside joke between the two of them that nobody else would understand. She didn't mean to cause such an outcry, and for this reason, Terry Mason (the butt of the joke) was inspired to respond:

The next morning, apparently, several had responded sympathetically by bringing new rubber ducks to replace our duck. This prompted the company’s president to send the following E-mail to everyone:

Subject: A New Era

While I know we were all very distracted yesterday by the disappearance and apparent abduction of our beloved pond duck, you'll all be happy to know that lone duck has now been replaced with moma duck and the duckettes. It is a lovely and happy family now taking residence in the company pool.

I appreciate everyone's words of concern and suggestions. While we all miss lone duck, we can now turn our attention to our new residents and once again focus on the important things like return on equity, expense ratio, business casual results, etc.

Again, thank you all for your support in our time of need. Now let's go win some for our new little family of ducks.

I didn’t make any of this up, for in my life I don’t have to. Truth really is stranger than fiction.

Besides the before mentioned leads in the missing duck case, a few other leads were investigated. Despite the replacement of the duck, it should not be forgotten that the original duck is still missing, and that this most heinous of crimes is still unsolved.

One person's professional conclusion was that there was only two possibilities as to the duck's condition: Original or Extra Crispy. But KFC denies all allegations, and presently has not been found to have any motive.

The lady from the Krystal commercials was thought to have maybe mistaken duck for the Krystal Chik that her husband had been flirtatious with. But simple knowledge of that television commercial shows that she appears to know, by now, that the Krystal Chik is merely a sandwich served at Krystal restaurants and not an affair he was having. This leaves her without a motive as well, and therefore, deletes her from the suspect list.

Still the possibility remained that the duck may have eaten rice thrown at a wedding ceremony and exploded, but all weddings locally listed report using "bubbles" or other rice alternatives so as not to cause this fate to unsuspecting birds.

Nobody wanted to even investigate my theory of a vast duck-wing conspiracy.

Perhaps we'll never know what really happened, but what we will forever believe is: