JOKES

"I'm going fishing."
Really Means....
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really Means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really Means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really Means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really Means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really Means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really Means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really Means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really Means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really Means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really Means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really Means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really Means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really Means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really Means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really Means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really Means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really Means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really Means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really Means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really Means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really Means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really Means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really Means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really Means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really Means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really Means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really Means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really Means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really Means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really Means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really Means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really Means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really Means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really Means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really Means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really Means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really Means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really Means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really Means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really Means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really Means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really Means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really Means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really Means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really Means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really Means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really Means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really Means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really Means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really Means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
Really Means....
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really Means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
More than half the droids you own don't function.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.
You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father. And your uncle. And your brother..

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <-------- The information went data way ---
11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . .
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55. Go ahead, make my data!.

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do
you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men [or women]! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and....action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate getting cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic"

2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one a**hole in there."

4.)Man: "Want to dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

7.) Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized, screw off!"

8.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

9.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

10.) When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

11.)"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny, from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around and wait for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
And I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you,
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
it's more fun than dealing with women, after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days,
and I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

******** And now it's time for a rebuttal****************

I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and to squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with 'it's right down yonder on the left.' Confuses the heck out of 'em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em 'Delta's ready when you are!'
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
11. Frequently bring up 'The War of Northern Aggression' in conversation. If anyone ever says the words 'Civil War', always interject that 'there was nothing civil about it.'
12. Address all males as 'son' and females as 'little lady'.
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's 'Pah-kahn' not 'Pee-can'.
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say 'Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!', say 'Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway
show!'
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children 'Bubba'.
18. Use the word 'reckon' in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. 'Mash' buttons. 'Cut' off lights. 'Carry' the kids to school.
20. Never simply 'do' something. Be 'fixin to do' something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include 'yes/no ma'am/sir' in all conversations. Offends the heck out of 'em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. 'Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . .' 'You said left.' 'Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that used to be on the other side of town..'
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.

Q: What was a common factor in the deaths of Chris Farley, Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy ?
A: A white powdery substance.

Q: And why did Sonny Bono ski into the tree??...
A: It's always been a good political move to keep up with the Kennedys.

What's the title of Sonny Bono's new hit single?
"I Got Yew, Babe...."

Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?
After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.

What's the difference between Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy?
About five days.

Police reported Sonny's passing was a quick death. Just like his solo career....

What preceded Sonny Bono's senseless death?
Sonny Bono's senseless life.

How was the body found?
Sonny side up.

What kind of tribute should Cher perform at Sonny's funeral?
A moment of silence.

How do we know Sonny was a politician at heart?
At the very end, he was stumping.

We are all mortal. And in the end, Sonny was just ski and bones.

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.

Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"

How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
Check the family tree.

How will the priest begin Michael Kennedy's eulogy?
"We are gathered here together on this slalom occasion...."

A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree
at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker...."Plant A Tree....Kill A Kennedy...."

What's an event you don't want to be at?
A Michael Kennedy New Year's Bash

What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
A1: One more bullet.
A2: A season lift pass.

SONNY: When I was young, I couldn't know
I'd be a ski bum and take a fatal blow

TREE: Well, all I know, is you can't ski
Cause you hit me and baby I'm a tree

BOTH: Babe!

TREE: You hit me, Babe!

SONNY: DOA, Babe

SONNY: What kind of fool is killed by a tree
While skiing a resort that's called Heavenly

TREE: Make no mistake, you're quite a dope
If I were you're age I'd take the bunny slope

BOTH: Babe!

TREE: You hit me, Babe!

SONNY: 86, Babe!

SONNY: I got a chainsaw with my things

TREE: If you'd lived, you'd see my rings

SONNY: Oh, I'm so mad, you're in the ground

TREE: I'm not to blame, you could have gone `round

SONNY: And some will say I'm like Kennedy
Don't follow his lead, cause death's no remedy

TREE: And when they put you in the ground
There ain't no arts endowment you can pound

BOTH: Babe!

TREE: You hit me, Babe!

SONNY: N.E.A., Babe?

TREE: You hit me, you're head is Spam

SONNY: I hit you, I'm Republican

TREE: You hit me, do I look like Cher?

SONNY: I hit you, haven't got a prayer

TREE: You hit me, while on a peak

SONNY: I hit you, call it Lesbian Chic

TREE: You hit me, you gotta go

SONNY: I hit you, I'm dead in snow

BOTH: I (You) hit you (me), babe!!!!!!!!!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've gained or lost weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful (or useless) stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without your support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Chearleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays it's original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking,"He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work.....More Pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours, and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties womp ass over bridal showers/
82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "F**k It!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you are not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthday and anniversary.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "SO...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today."

2.) "When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."

3.) "I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) for the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up New York Times. Accordingly, I will now be in late, or early."

4.) "I have to go in for a blood transfusion... My stigmata's acting up again."

5.) "I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6.) "I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet, so if you really want me to come in..."

7.) "I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant."

8.) "Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling."

9.) "I accidentally converted my calendar from Julian to Gregorian and lost today."

10.) "I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11.) "The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled."

12.) "The dog ate my car keys and we have to hitchhike to the vet."

13.) "Today I am compelled to remain an enigma."

14.) "My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it."

15.) "I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation."

16.) "Constipation has made me a walking time bomb and I have to keep my back to an open window."

17.) "The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled."

18.) "I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates."

19.) "I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share."

20.) "I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineer wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,"Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly dumb," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy almost exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Paddy the Irishman, Charles the Englishman and Jimmy the Scot visited a strip joint. The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a g-string. Paddy (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her ass cheek. Charles (trying to show up Paddy) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other ass cheek. Jimmy pulls o ut his Visa card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet.

A country woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold, blustery January day in North Dakota. The daughter said to the mother. "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied. "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said. "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied. "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." He did, and his hands warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the girl. He said: "My nose is freezing cold." The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boy friend was once again driving with the girl and he said. "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the girl is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother: "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The somewhat concerned mother says: "Yes, I have. Why do you ask?" The daughter says: "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they melt."

Q: "Recently I discovered that my husband of 35 years was having an affair with a neighbor who is in her twenties. Admittedly, she has a 21 inch waist, baby soft skin, long shapely legs, silky blond hair, a tight little butt, and humongous tits. She also has what you would call full lips, and they are always wet. As soon as he walks into the room she parts her lips slightly and runs her tongue across her upper teeth. Do you think a man his age should risk a life long investment with a loving wife and two beautiful daughters for a weekend with a bimbo?"

A: "Are you talking about both Saturday and Sunday?

An old farmer wants his son to go to Texas A&M, but the son's IQ is too high. Since the farmer really wants his son to be an Aggie he agrees to test an IQ-reducing machine. The Aggie scientist explain to the father and son that the machine is experimental and has never been tested. The chance for his son to be an Aggie makes the risk acceptable to the farmer. They strap the son into the machine and turn it on. His IQ starts dropping. 130...110...100...90...80...70...60... When the scientist flips the OFF switch, nothing happens. The son's IQ keeps dropping. 40...30...10...0...-10 ...-20. The scientist finally pulls the plug and stops the machine. The farmer runs to his son and screams, "Son, say something!" The son looks him right in the eye and says, "Hook 'em Horns"

A child is brought to family court to choose which parent he prefers to live with. The judge then speaks, "Son, which of your two parents do you want to live with?" The kid is silent. The judge chimes in, "Your mother?" "Nah, she beats me." A shocked look comes across the judge's face, he calms down. "Your father?" "Nah, he beats me too!" The judge is dumbfounded. "Well who do you want to live with." "Well, your honor, I want to live with the University of Texas-they don't beat anyone."

There was a family from up East somewhere down here in Texas checking out the schools for their son who will be attending college this next semester. They were in the president's office at SMU discussing the details of registration, fees, and the campus in general when the son noticed a blue phone on the residents desk. The son got up the nerve to ask what the blue phone was for. "That is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven in case the student gets into trouble or needs extra guidance." "Oh, that seems reasonable", said the son. After all the details were discussed, they drove down I-20 to TCU. While they were in the president's office they noticed there was a purple phone on the desk. The father asked, " What is the purple phone for?" The president responded, "That is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven. In case the student gets into trouble or needs extra guidance." They then finished their business. They then drove down I-35 to visit Baylor. While they discussed business in the president's office, they noticed a green phone on the desk. The mother decided to ask, "What is the green phone for?" The president responded, "This green phone is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven." "This must be an added feature at all the schools now", said the mother. Since they had some extra time and were already in Texas they decided to travel down Hwy 6 and check out A&M. While they were in the president's office, they noticed a maroon phone on the president's desk. The son feeling pretty confident said, "That maroon phone is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven." "You are correct about it being a hotline to heaven, son, but using it will cost you nothing." The mother replied, "At SMU, TCU, and Baylor they charge the students $50 to use their hotlines to heaven." "Ah." said the president, "But here it is a local call."

There was a guy who got in an elevator with very large man. The large man said, "I'm 7 feet 3 inches, 350 pounds, with a 20 inch penis, a right nut of 3 pounds and a left nut of 3 pounds. Turner Brown." All the sudden the little guy fainted. When he was awake again he asked "What did you say?"The guy repeated, "7-3, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, right nut 3 pounds, left nut 3 pounds. Turner Brown." "Oh," said the little guy, "I thought you said turn around!"

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
Really means:
I'm wasted and should have someone bring me home but I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts."
Really means:
I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (w/ opposite sex)
Really means:
You would look great face down in my lap.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
Really means:
We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
Really means:
This place has dollar drafts and beers are $4.50 a pop at the next bar.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
Really means:
You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends?

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
Really means:
I have no interest whatsoever in talking to you other than you're a way to get your friend into a compromising position.

"Lets get out of here."
Really means:
I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (female)
Really means:
I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (male)
Really means:
I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
Really means:
I am even willing to do a tequila shot if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
Really means:
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home.

 
"Look at that girl leaving with 5 guys."
Really means:
Take a good look now because next time you see that face it will be on the back of a milk carton.

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (female)
Really means:
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
Really means:
I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already."
Really means:
I've only had 3, but I need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?"
Really means:
I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"I'm getting my life back together."
Really means:
Are you kidding? Would I be in a place like this, rocked off my ass, if I had my act together? I'm a mess; fear and avoid me like the plague.

"Excuse me." (male to male)
Really means:
Get the fuck out of the way!

"Excuse me." (male to female)
Really means:
I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse me." (female to male)
Really means:
Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse me." (female to female).
Really means:
Move your fat ass! Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho' ... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."
Really means:
I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?"
Really means:
What's cheap?

"Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
Really means:
I'm really gay.

"Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
Really means:
I'm really easy.

"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab."
Really means:
I already lined up a ride home with your ex-girlfriend.

"That person looks really familiar."
Really means:
Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
Really means:
I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male)
Really means:
It's 9:00 am and I just stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"Do you have any Wild Turkey?"
Really means:
I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female)
Really means:
I'm 19.

"I don't have my ID on me." (male)
Really means:
I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew like a .4 last time I was in here.

"It's OK, I'll just go home with him." (either male or female)
Really means:
There is a good chance that my life will end up as the Monday Night Shocker on NBC.