1.C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
2.No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
3.Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
4.Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
5.Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
6.Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
7.This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
8.E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.
9.This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
10.Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible.
11.Hello, you're caller number nine!
12.This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
13.Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.
14.(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. 15.I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
16.I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
17.Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
18.(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.
19.The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. So PLEASE leave a message!
20.After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
21.The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.
22.Please leave a tone after the message.
23.Creamed asparagus! BEEP
24.Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.
25.OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?
26.Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
27.Kyle. Message. BEEP.
28.This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when, and I'll... You know.