Here I sit late Saturday night…. Well, actually early Sunday morning to be exact. It's time to push the clocks ahead so we are meant to lose an hour this evening. That's fine, I don't mind I'll get it back again next fall.

The past few weeks I've done nothing but work. It's been a grueling schedule and it's caught up with me now. I was waking at 5:00 am and leaving for the office, not returning home until midnight and then sometimes even later. Sometimes we all have to do things not from choice but out of responsibility.

It has never bothered me when things have become crazy in the office. I rather like it at times. I like to be able to throw myself into something so much that the rest of the world fades from my view. I forget my problems, my bills, personal commitments and simply work. There isn't time for anything else. It's not as if I'm trying to escape anything, there is nothing in my life I wish to escape right now but I suppose I needed to be busy.

I was getting up and going in on four hours sleep for two weeks straight. Things have been intense to say the least. I've watched the people I care for in my office at one another's throats and looking to place blame on others. I don't know what happened to change things but I miss the days when we were all on the same side.

I feel that way about my "on-line" existence as well. Something happened some time ago, which changed the people I knew. People became spiteful and petty. It's really sad because I used to enjoy it so much more. At 2:00 in the morning I sit before my computer and wonder about people in general. Why do people find such pleasure in the pain and suffering of others? I simply can not comprehend it.

There have been times when I have experienced the cruelty of others and at other moments I have known the greatest friendships imaginable. I guess that's just life isn't it? For as bad as you might get there is always an equivalence of good, equal parts to sorrow and joy. Maybe tonight I am simply reminding myself of these basic facts. How easily we can all forget and lose sight of things that should matter most.

I try so hard to stop and smell the roses. I want to always notice the sunsets and see shapes of things in the clouds. How beautiful it can be to lie on a beach at midnight and stare up into the sky and imagine just how many stars there are out there. Do you ever appreciate the warmth of the sun on your face after many days of rain? And oh, the smell of rain on a summer's day…..Could there ever be anything else, which would compare to such perfection?

I often lie awake at night and out of frustration rise from my bed to wander through my house. There are many nights I sit upon the window ledge and just look at the night. To sit and dream and hope and wish are the best ways to be awake. There was a time in life when I lost the ability to dream and to believe but I think I have found it again. I am at peace within myself in a way I had forgotten long ago.

We all face challenges in life and sometimes we become lost, I for one am finally home. I expect nothing and am happy when I am granted small blessings. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst to avoid disappointments. I always try to think of those I love although I may not always let them know and I am learning to do what's right.

For a long time I was my own worst enemy, not being able to like who and what I am but I have learned so much. I have learned that I can be good and I can be kind. I have learned that every bad thing that has happened, every unhappiness that came through my life, every mistake I have blamed myself for was not solely my fault. Things happen, no one is perfect. I am worth so much more then I ever gave myself credit for. I think that more than anything, I have learned to find forgiveness in my heart for those with less strength of character and less truth of heart.

I have let go of so much anger and pushed aside the bitterness. There were so many wounds that cut me to the quick but through the love and understanding of those around me they are beginning to heal. I doubt not that I will always be left with scars but in time, with proper care they too shall fade. The world will never be a perfect place but I will do my best to make it that much better.

I am no one of importance, just some fool who can not sleep on a Saturday night. I find putting my thoughts to paper somehow helps me lay them to rest. Why I publish my deepest and most personal thoughts on my web page is a mystery even unto myself. I guess I feel it is the only way for me to express who and what I am. I have kept myself locked away for so many years.

It was a dark place where I dwelled and now there is so much light. To feel so alive and feel so content within myself makes me wish it for the entire world.