AOHell is the home to overwhelming stupidity. To prove this, I have gone to many a "chatroom" and just watched. It is amusing. But anyway, AOHell has a grand l'il feature called "instant messanger." If you wish, you can download a free version off of the webpage at AOL.com. This "instant messanger" is a quick way of zapping messages to one another. One overcast Sunday afternoon, I happened to be online when an old classmate, Pat, came online. The following is the conversation I had with him to keep myself amused. It is completely unedited, therefore there are a lot of simple spelling mistakes. I know they're there, you don't need to point it out. The only things I have added are [comments in brackets]. I use them to explain what is going on.
Pat isn't to pleased about this conversation bein' on the webpage. His words were "its like that linda tripp thing." Oh well, sucks for him, as my friend Monica would say. But I digress...
Pat: hey Tabitha
WeirdTab: I'm not Tabitha. I'm Crackhead X-Files Addict
Pat: ok Crackhead X-Files Addict
WeirdTab: Yup.
Pat: I was telling Monica about my remote control keyboard
WeirdTab: The earth is not round. I think you need to shut up and not talk to Monica so that I may call Monica.
Pat: lol
Pat: quess what I got for X-Mas?
WeirdTab: No. It isn't funny. Plus, by using 'lol' you lead me to beloieve I am a humorus individual. And it is obviously a blantant lie because I am not funny and I doubt you did laugh out loud.
WeirdTab: A rubber duckie with a head you may stuff with dynomite and sit in the tub and then it blows up and you die, in a mass of blood and shattered bones.
Pat: actually I did, :0---- Ha Ha Ha
Pat: lol
WeirdTab: STOP THAT!! YOU ARE BEING WAY TOO CONFORMIST! WE NEED PEOPLE TO HELP OUR CAUSE AND STOP THE IMBICLE-DRIVEN MACHINE CALLED AOHELL!
Pat: Hey Tabitha AKA Crackhead X-Files Addict you know the survey question thing Monica sent you well answer it for me please
WeirdTab: No! It is aso a tool! Can't you see? AOHell uses these "chain letters" as a vehicle for carrying subliminal messages that inform us to keep subscribing at outrageous prices. It isn't a government conspiracy, it's all the doings of a sinister man named "Steve Case". It is an alias for "Ass Teeca"
WeirdTab: Unfortunately, I mistyped that. It is Ass TEECA. The TEECA stands for "Trecherous Egotistical Elephatine Conspiritor Apparatous". Steve Case, whom the unwitting public has been groomed to believe is a real, live human being, is in fact, a robot that is constantly spewing forth conspiracies and long strings of code that is placed in the emails of desolate teen-agers and lonly 40-something women that inform them of the sad fate of not passing on a chain letter.
WeirdTab: So, in short, NO! I shalt not lower myself to the sad fate f all these other human beings. They have been affected by these subliminal messages, as have you. I do not wish that sad fate upon anyone.
Pat: just answer it
WeirdTab: If it should fall into my "Inbox", as Ass TECCA has named it, It shall be instantaneously delete and any evidence of its existance completely destroyed from my computer.
Pat: just answer it Tabitha PLease
WeirdTab: See! Can't you see? It has even affected your English writing skills!
Pat: no it has not I was always bad @ Engklish
WeirdTab: "just answer it Tabitha PLease" is not a sentance! Correctly written, it should read "Please answer it, Tabitha"
Pat: I have been away from school too long.
WeirdTab: And lokk! Now it has affected your ability to reason! Ass TEECA must be destroyed before it ruins any more impressionable youth!
Pat: ok speak frekin' english to me before I kirk out
Pat: I have been in ghetto land to long aka fuckin' BLAKE
WeirdTab: NOO!!!!! It is affectiing me!! The cry must spring forth from the hearts of all that we will not be silenced! We will NOT roll over like cowardice dogs!! We human beings, as one nation, must band together and fight to stop such elaborate conspiracies that threaten to harm those who might spread the truth! The truth is out there! TRUST NO ONE!!!
Pat: SHUT UPPP!!!!!!!!!!!! lol
WeirdTab: No! That is not you talking, Pat ******** (sp?)!! Your mind has been altered by neverending supplies of chain letters! They might seem friendly and fun, but I have enlightened you to the truth. Yoou must fight back, before you reach the point of no return, the point when you have forwarded your last letter and the earth opens to vacuum you into the depths of Hell!
Pat: no you spelled it right
WeirdTab: Why are you concerned with simple pre-occupations such as if your name is spelled correctly? There are larger battles being fought. The world mustn't be allowed to fall into dispair and slavery to a private enterprise! Quickly now! Stop it while you can!!!
Pat: What did you get in English for your grade?
WeirdTab: Look out your window! Do you see the gray clouds blocking out the joyous sun? The cold drizzle falling to hit plants and freeze on contact, thereby sucking the life out of plants that need the sun to live?
WeirdTab: We are those plants! The truth is the sun! And America Online is the clouds!
WeirdTab: What is your view on America Online's recent push into the exterior market, the few that had never experienced the waiting and busy signals, the same market that hadn't been tainted by the chain letters and junk that America Online subscribers have grown accustomed to seeing in their inboxes daily?
WeirdTab: This push, the so-called Instant-messanger is just another sinister vehicle! It convinces the outsiders that America Online is just a smiling, happy community! But you and I know the shocking truth... all it is is a box! A large depository of souls who fell for the promise of free hours, outside human contact and speedy internet connections!
[At this point, Pat had been silent a few minutes]
WeirdTab: Pat? Are you there? Hello? Did they discover yo were being enlightened? Are they there? Pat? Pat?!? PAT?!?!?
[More silence]
WeirdTab: PAT?!
Pat: lol
WeirdTab: What?! You laugh at this? You can't take this for its seriousness??
WeirdTab: I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade, a plot to conceal the truth about extraterrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key figures in the highest levels of power that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman and child on this planet.
WeirdTab: So, of course, no one believes me, I'm a...an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. The call me "Spooky". Spooky Mulder who's sister was abducted by aliens when she was just a kid and who now chases after little green men, armed with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens, or anyone who'll listen that the fix is it, the sky is falling....
WeirdTab: ...and when it hits it'll be the shit-storm of all time.
WeirdTab: What do you think of THAT?
WeirdTab: Pat? Answer me, dammit!
WeirdTab: I'm loely here in my dark, padded cell. It smells of the urine of its previous occupant. In every corner there are demon eyes waiting for me to let my gaurd down...
WeirdTab: Their eyes are glowing red, like the embers of a dying fire. i musn't move out of the center of the room, for darkness threatens to swallow me and the demons devour me...
[Pat signed off during that comment]
WeirdTab: They tell me its all in my head. "No, Tabitha, swallow your pills. They're good for you!" I tuck them in my cheecks, but these nurses are well trained, they hold my mouth shut until they disolve and gag me, but the nurses hold on until I've swallowed the medication.
It slightly disappoints me that I dirtied The X-Files in my elaborate charade. Also, thanks to Caitlin, much of the eighth grade now believes I am a raving lunatic. And since Pat was so nice as to link to my page with a cool graphic, here's a link to his page. I make no claim as to it's goodness. Okay, it just sucks, but I don't like to revert to childish name-calling like SOMEONE... (PAT!)
Pat rhymes with fat. Coincidence? I think not.
"Me fale inglish? That's unposibel!" -Ralph Wiggum