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A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

- 1 bar of soap
- 1 toothbrush
- 1 tube of toothpaste
- 1 loaf of bread
- 1 pint of milk
- 1 single serving of cereal
- 1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles and says, "Single,huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly.

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called: -- a sonofabitch."

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what langauge!"

Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, asonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it."

Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch." Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch." Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch."

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!"

THE CESSNA

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top."

THE SEVEN DWARVES

The seven dwarves go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience and they are - THE - seven dwarves, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarves start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarves burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarves collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheecks as they begin chanting...
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his dad for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality? His father looks up thoughtfully and then says: "I'll display it to you in a simple example. Go ask your mom if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned."

The kid is puzzled but he decides to go on and see if he can figure out what his dad is trying to say.

He asks his mum: " Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" His mother looks up startled, but then winks slyly at him and says in a whisper: " Don't tell your dad this, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister and asks her: "Sis, if someone offers you a million dollars to sleep with Brad Pitt, will you do it?" His sister looks up and says: "Omigod, definitely!!!" The kid goes back to his dad and says:"Dad, I think I figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on 2 million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

A tourist gets off the airplane as soon as he reaches L.A. The first thing he does is exchange his cash into US dollars. He gives the teller all his cash, but when he counts his greens, he notices that he has only a fraction of what he started with.

He goes back to the teller and asks her, "Why I onry get 120 US dorrar for 1000 Hong Kong dorrar?"

The teller impatiently tells him, "Fluctuations." The tourist eyes her and asks, "Did you say 'fluctuations'???" The teller repeats, "Yes, fluc-tu-ations!" The tourist stiffens and replies, "Well, fluck you Amelicans, too!!!"

EBONICS TEST

Leroy was a 15 year old sixth grader. Leroy got an easy homework assignment.
All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This was what Leroy did:

Rectum: I has two cadillacs, but my 'ol lady rectum boaf.
Hotel: I gives my girlfriend da crabs and da hotel everyones.
Odyssey: I tell my bro, him odyssey da tits on diss hoe.
Stain: My mother-in-law axed me if I was be stain for dinner.
Seldom: My cuz give me two tickets to da Knicks game, so I seldom.
Penis: I went to da doctor an him handed me a cup and sayed penis.
Catacomb: Don King were at da fight da udder night; man, somebody get dat catacomb.
Foreclose: If I pay me alimony diss month, I won't has no money foreclose.
Undermine: They is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in da apartment undermine.
Disappointment: My parole officer tol me if I is gonna miss disappointment they is gonna sends me back to da big house.
Income: I just gots in da bed wit diss hoe an income my wife.
Honor: At da rape trial, da judge axed me an my buddy, who be honor first?
Fortify: I axed da hoe how much she charge, an she say fortify.
Israel: Jackson try to sells me a Rolex, I says man dat look fake. He say no israel.

Of course Leroy's teacher Mrs. Bubba Jones gave him an A+.

His/Her Drive-up ATM machines

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c stopped too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture.

THE STORY TAKES PLACE AT A POND, AND THERE IS A FLY FLYING OVER THE WATER.

UNDER THE WATER THERE IS A FISH WHO IS HOPING THAT THE FLY WOULD DROP SIX INCHES SO THAT IT CAN EAT IT.

BUT WHAT THE FISH DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT ON THE SHORE OF THE POND THERE'S A BEAR AND THE BEAR IS HOPING THAT THE FLY DROPS SIX INCHES SO THAT THE FISH CAN EAT THE FLY AND THE BEAR CAN JUMP IN THE WATER AND EAT THE FISH.

OUTSIDE THE POND IN THE BUSHES THERE AWAITS A HUNTER HOPING THAT THE FLY WOULD DROP SIX INCHES SO THE FISH CAN EAT THE FLY SO THAT THE BEAR CAN JUMP IN THE WATER AND EAT THE FISH SO THE HUNTER CAN SHOOT THE BEAR.

JUST BESIDE THE HUNTER IN A HOLE LIES A MOUSE, AND THE MOUSE IS HOPING THAT THE FLY WOULD DROP SIX INCHES SO THE FISH CAN EAT THE FLY SO THAT THE BEAR CAN JUMP IN THE WATER SO IT CAN EAT THE FISH SO THAT THE HUNTER CAN SHOOT THE BEAR SO THE MOUSE CAN STEAL THE CHEESE SANDWICH.

BUT WHAT THE MOUSE DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT BEHIND HIM ON A TREE IS A CAT. THE CAT IS HOPING THAT THE FLY WOULD DROP SIX INCHES SO THE FISH COULD EAT THE FLY SO THE BEAR CAN JUMP IN THE POND AND EAT THE FISH SO THAT THE HUNTER CAN SHOOT THE BEAR SO THE MOUSE CAN GET THE CHEESE SANDWICH SO IT CAN JUMP ON THE MOUSE AND EAT IT.

IT FINALLY HAPPENS

THE FLY DROPS SIX INCHES AND THE FISH EATS THE FLY SO THE BEAR JUMPED INTO THE WATER AND ATE THE FISH WHILE THE HUNTER SHOT THE BEAR THE MOUSE STOLE THE HUNTER'S CHEESE SANDWICH. BUT THE CAT DIDN'T CATCH THE MOUSE. INSTEAD THE CAT FELL INTO THE POND.

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS SIX INCHES THE PUSSY GETS WET!!!

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it.

The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb f---k who gave my mother the bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass is killing me, and dad's runnin' around the house yellin' "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty".

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee

It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees

You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the fuck's he gonna cum

Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room!"

Jimmy the Irishman, David the Polishman and Tom the German visited a strip joint. The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a g-string. David (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her ass cheek. Tom (trying to show up David) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other ass cheek. Jimmy pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet.

At a school in Oregon, the young girls were just starting to wear lipstick. They would go into the bathroom and put on their lipstick and kiss the mirror to blot it. The janitor was having a terrible time trying to get the mirror clean and keep it clean. He talked to the principle and the principle tried to talk to the girls, explaining how hard it was to clean the mirror of the lipstick. It did no good, so he had all the girls come into the bathroom with the janitor so he could show them how hard it was to clean the mirror. The janitor took the scrub brush and scrubbed and scrubbed, the mirror was still a mess, and then he dipped the brush in the toilet and went back to the mirror and scrubbed again. There has been no one kissing the mirror since.

One day a man has a terrible stomach ache and goes to his doctor to see what can be done about it. The doctor tells him that he is very ill but that he can cure his ailment with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his colon every six hours! The doctor says, "Bend over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole and then promptly sends the man home.
Six hours later at home the man realizes that he can't put the suppository far enough by himself so he gets his wife to help him. After explaining what to do the man bends over and his wife puts one hand on his shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard up his ass. To her horror the man lets out a desparate, blood curdling scream. "I'm sorry," She says, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man," but I've just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders when he did it!"

A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"

"Relax" said the vetriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding day came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

A guy was having an affair with a woman. He thought he heard her husband come home, so he ripped
off his yellow condom and through it out the window. The woman said, "My
husband won't be home for another 15 minutes." The man went out side and found the condom
and continued making love with her. This kept going on for a little while. Then he thought he
heard her husband outside and again he ripped off the condom and threw it outside. She said, "He
won't be home for five more minutes." He went outside to get it and found a little kid holding
it. He told the kid to give it back to him. The guy eventually ended up paying ten dollars to get it
back. The kid went home and told him mom, "I sold a guy a twinkie today for ten dollars, but I made
sure to suck out the filling first!"

What's the similarity between getting a blow-job from and eighty-year-old
and walking a tightrope?

In both cases you don't really want to look down.

These three men die and go to Heaven.

However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of the usual amount so he submits them to the admissions standard: Who died the worst death?

So St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks about how they died.

First Man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. So, I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill him - he landed in these bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went to the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up then this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with his hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator....."

One day, Justin dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Justin: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Justin: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Coke... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Justin: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Justin: You better believe it.

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Justin: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Justin: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Justin: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Justin: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Justin: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Justin: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh. You're gonna hate Fridays......

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