BASEBALL GUIDE TO SEX

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex-play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present:

The Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

FIRST BASE This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

SECOND BASE Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

THIRD BASE Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

HOME RUN This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado:

STANDARDIZED BASEBALL GUIDE TO SEX

(THE BASICS)

On Deck Having plans for a date

Strike-Out Duh!! (No Date)

Walk Kissing / No Tongues

Single Tongue kissing

Double Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels.

Triple Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation.

Home Run SEX!

Bunt Masturbation

Foul tip VD

Three up and three down impotency.

Inside the park home run Oral Sex.

Pre-Game Warm-up Fore-play.

Ground Rule Double would have sex, but no condom.

Balk Premature ejaculation.

Error Condom breaks during sex.

Double Play Having two partners in the same day.

Loaded Bases menage a trois.

Ground Out Moving for first base but partner says.... "Not on a first date."

Banned for life for gambling sex without condom.

Score Card Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner orgasms.

Grand Slam Sex four times in twelve hours.

(FIELD TERMS)

Pine Tar Synthetic Lubrication

Relief pitcher Vibrator

Pinch Runner Tag-team sex with your roommate

Fast ball Three strokes and yer OUT! (finished)

In a pickle Getting caught cheating on a partner

Getting the signals crossed Moving in for the home run and ending up with a strike out.

Box Seats King size bed

Seventh Inning Stretch Unusual positions

Rain Delay parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.

Stranding the runner You orgasm, your partner doesn't.

(LEAGUE TERMS)

Spectator Peeping Tom

Forfeit Date stands you up

Out of play That time of the month

Cleared the bases Changed the sheets

Bleacher Seats Roommate's perspective while you are going at it

Suspended Partner says they need some time alone

Being Traded Being dumped for someone else

Free Agent Recently dumped, currently unattached

Disabled list Done it so much you can't stand up

Ejected from game Partner throws you off during rodeo sex

(THE PLAYERS)

Rookie Virgin

Veteran Prostitute

Talent Agent Pimp

Scout Someone scoping out your partner on a date

Minor Leagues Under 18

All Stars Game Doing it with your ex while still going out with your present girl.

Switch Hitter Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.

Hall of Fame When you ask if "Was it good for you" and they say "YES!!!"

Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity:

OLD WAY We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...

NEW WAY First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time! So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

FIRST BASE	This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
SECOND BASE	Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
THIRD BASE	Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
HOME RUN	This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

On Deck	Having plans for a date
Strike-Out	Duh!! (No Date)
Walk	Kissing / No Tongues
Single	Tongue kissing
Double	Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels.
Triple	Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation.
Home Run	SEX!
Bunt	Masturbation
Foul tip	VD
Three up and three down	impotency.
Inside the park home run	Oral Sex.
Pre-Game Warm-up	Fore-play.
Ground Rule Double	would have sex, but no condom.
Balk	Premature ejaculation.
Error	Condom breaks during sex.
Double Play	Having two partners in the same day.
Loaded Bases	menage a trois.
Ground Out	Moving for first base but partner says.... "Not on a first date."
Banned for life for gambling	sex without condom.
Score Card	Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner orgasms.
Grand Slam	Sex four times in twelve hours.

Pine Tar	Synthetic Lubrication
Relief pitcher	Vibrator
Pinch Runner	Tag-team sex with your roommate
Fast ball	Three strokes and yer OUT! (finished)
In a pickle	Getting caught cheating on a partner
Getting the signals crossed	Moving in for the home run and ending up with a strike out.
Box Seats	King size bed
Seventh Inning Stretch	Unusual positions
Rain Delay	parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Stranding the runner	You orgasm, your partner doesn't.

Spectator	Peeping Tom
Forfeit	Date stands you up
Out of play	That time of the month
Cleared the bases	Changed the sheets
Bleacher Seats	Roommate's perspective while you are going at it
Suspended	Partner says they need some time alone
Being Traded	Being dumped for someone else
Free Agent	Recently dumped, currently unattached
Disabled list	Done it so much you can't stand up
Ejected from game	Partner throws you off during rodeo sex

Rookie	Virgin
Veteran	Prostitute
Talent Agent	Pimp
Scout	Someone scoping out your partner on a date
Minor Leagues	Under 18
All Stars Game	Doing it with your ex while still going out with your present girl.
Switch Hitter	Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Hall of Fame	When you ask if "Was it good for you" and they say "YES!!!"

OLD WAY	We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...
NEW WAY	First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time! So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.