During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.
| 54 | times the sheets were clean |
| 17 | times it was too late |
| 49 | times you were too tired |
| 20 | times it was too hot |
| 15 | times it was too early |
| 15 | times you pretended to be asleep |
| 22 | times you had a headacke |
| 17 | times you were afraid of waking up the baby |
| 16 | times you said you were too sore |
| 12 | times it was the wrong time of the month |
| 19 | times you had to get up too early |
| 9 | times you said you weren't in the mood |
| 7 | times you were sunburned |
| 6 | times you were watching the late show |
| 5 | times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo |
| 3 | times you said the neighbors would hear us |
| 9 | times you said your mother would hear us |
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 10 times you just laid there, 9 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 8 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 8 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and once I was afraid I hurt you because I felt you move.
To My Dear Husband:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you didn't get more than you did.
| 5 | times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat |
| 36 | times you did not come home at all |
| 21 | times you did not come |
| 33 | times you came too soon |
| 19 | times you went soft before you got it in |
| 10 | times your toes were in cramps |
| 38 | times you worked too late |
| 29 | times you had to get up early to play golf |
| 2 | times you were in a fight and someone had kicked you in the balls |
| 4 | times you caught it in your zipper |
| 3 | times you had a cold and your nose kept running |
| 3 | times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue |
| 2 | times you had a splinter in your finger |
| 20 | times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day |
| 6 | times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book |
| 98 | times you were too busy watching football on TV. |
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling. What I said was "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The
time you felt me move was because you had farted and I was trying to breathe.