As soon as I answer the phone and say Computer Department they ask, "is this computers?". Gee Hmm, let me think "Why yes it is." This comes from the same person who after they find out this is the computer dept ask "well do you know anything about them?" No, I say they just stick me back here to look like a fool.
When tech's such as I answer the phone, we usually start off by saying "Thank you
for calling
"It says I've peformed an Illegal Operaion and will be shut down. Have
I done something wrong?"
Sometimes I feel like saying "Yes and we are reporting you to the
authorities now." or "RUN! RUN!" or "And just what were you doing?"
"A White One."
This is the answer I got when I asked her "What type of Computer do you have"
"But I'm Left handed.."
This is the responce I got when I told her she should go through the interactive
on-line training to learn how to use her new 3-D CAD system.
This is the best thing I have ever heard as a tech suport person..No
Lie..had it happen 2 times now....
"Now, does it matter if that's an upper or lower case 'forward slash?'"
My response as I begin to pull my hair with both hands and say through
gritted teeth was, "Well sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what
an upper case forward slash looks like?"
Customer paused, now unsure of himself. "Oh, well I guess that would
make it a question mark!' he responded finally in triumphant tone.
Sighing, "Ok sir, just make it a lower case forward slash then."
Christ when will these people grow a brain?!
"It says Disk One of One, that means there's another one around here..."
These hurt. Tell me you didn't come up with a nasty response to this
as soon as you read it.
"Can I install this on my Word Processor?"
Just because the Disk fits into your electronic device, doesn't imply
it will work with it. "Sure! and you can use it in your Toaster too!
When the disk pops out, you're online!
"Do I have to be online to download a file?"
"Sir, do you have to plug in your TV before you watch it?" What are
we? Magicians? Hey, if I could download files without being online I
would NEVER pay for an online service again.
"I tried and I tried, but it just won't fit....."
This is what the caller said about our install disks. He got through
the first one, but he was stumped when it asked him to insert the
second disk. It never occured to him to remove Disk #1 BEFORE trying
to insert Disk #2.
"Does your printer need to be on for it to work?"
(thinking) No sir! I'm sure your printer is one of those
extra-dimensional brands that doesn't need any of that pesky
electrical current going through it and it just "knows" when it should
start printing by some kind of bio-mechanical telepathy. Uh huh....
"Now how can I click on your computer over the phone?"
This was what she said when I told her to click on the "My Computer"
icon. The scary part was when I realized we were going to need to Edit
her system.ini file.
"I have a 386 Pentium."
You know, every time I hear this I wish I could go right to the
person's home and have them show me this interesting machine.
"The Computer Version..."
this was the answer when a customer was asked "What version of that
software are you using?" No further comment needed.....
"a stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store"
This is the usual response to "Whats on your screen right now?" The
proper response to their answer is "For god sakes!! Get that off of there!!!!"
"My mouse doesn't work with AOL."
"I did just what the tech told me. I installed it INSIDE my computer
...". Here, now this is a goody. I muted that baby and FELL on the
floor laughing. I mean sheesh doesn't it seem OBVIOUS that your mouse
isn't going to work if its INSIDE your computer and you can't move it!
What you going to do, send a message to your mouse by telepathy?
"Is that your left or my left?"
"Uhhh...we're on the phone so i guess that would be YOUR left...." I'm
sorry, but i do not have a non-sarcastic answer to this question.
Which side would they select if i said MY left?
"It just comes up with a message and says click OK...now what?"
When its late and the caller gives me this line for the sixty-third time in
one call. I've been known to dream of high-powered rifles and clips full of
ammo. A dark night. A large tree to climb. A well lit trail to watch over.
"Oh, the Apple key on the keyboard...not the one on the screen?"
Yeah, the one on the keyboard. Actually you'll find a whole lot more
keys down there than up on the screen....
"Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Obviously these people could not get a clue if they had unlimited credit at
the Clue Store. This is a popular comment from people recieving software in
the mail. I believe there is a special section in Hell for these people. May
they burn there forever. And maybe another day too.
"It's not moving, it's just sitting there."
That was the answer a 78 year old man gave when asked how fast his
modem was. Do they let these people breed? I just hope he isn't
allowed to drive or vote. Makes you want to go out and buy a gun.
"Is the internet down?"
Yes. The internet went down about 5 minutes ago when I went out for a
cigarette and tripped on the cord that plugged the internet in. Just
give me 3 minutes and I'll have it right back up. Sheesh.
"I just got your thingee in the mail....."
First words out of a callers mouth when I asked what was happening. I
have no idea what it means but it certainly made me laugh. Lucky for
me, we have mute buttons on the phone.
"Is that the letter zero or the number zero?"
This happens when we are dictating a configuration to a caller. What
universe do these people come from that has a LETTER zero? I like to
ask "...and what letter comes before zero please?" The other
variation on this is "Is that a lower case or upper case zero?"
"You want me to try again?"
A question in response to the statement "Now I would like you try it
again." I sometimes wonder what language I'm actually speaking.
Hamstarian? Narn? Klingon? "Actually sir, I'm kidding. I really don't
want you to try again. I really want you to stick your head in a
blender." Some people will answer EVERY question by repeating the
question. These people are probally still wondering why we seemed so
nice when we told them to exit to DOS and type in "FORMAT C: /Y".
"Hayes compatible"
When asking what kind of modem someone has, this quote is the most
common answer. Hayes compatible modem is like saying you have a car
with four tires. Try telling the mechanic you call about your car that
"its a Highway compatible". Please, please, please know something
about your computer setup BEFORE calling us.
"I Just Downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"
Hey! So that's where it went. You better put it back, the other users
are calling in and asking where it is! If you return it now we won't
have to send your name and address to the FCC.
"Is this a LIVE person?"
Well depending on what time of the day you call and how many stupid
people I converse with today. Actually I always find this response
amusing. It goes along with the caller who pushes the buttons on his
touch tone phone when we ask for the telephone number and area code.
Those sillies.
This is the response I got when i said "please right click on the icon."
"Can you tell me where the Any Key is"