Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive- compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Hello, this is WCGR, you're on the air.

(to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel":) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD) Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

--- befuddle the caller ---
(A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright

The number you have reached, 555-0477, has been changed. The new number is 555-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine.
(Switch to heavy metal racket:)
This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

Mom, Dad... Don't you think it would be easier to reach me if I had a cellular phone? So how about an early birthday present?

Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.

At the sound of the tone, please leave your name, number, and a brief discription of what you are wearing. Thank you.

(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing.

This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP

If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.

(Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!