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A man runs into his house and shouts at his wife "Pack your bags! I
just won the lottery!" She gets all excited and asks "Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?!" The husband responds "I don't care, just get the hell out of here!" |
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer-software
engineer were riding in a car when it broke down. "It's probably a valve," said the mechanical engineer. "It's probably a spark plug," said the electrical engineer. "I know," said the computer-software engineer, "let's all get out of the car and get back in again." |
| Dear Wife | BASEBALL GUIDE TO SEX |
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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All
her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When
they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it." |
There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they
found an obliging woman, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are
simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven-pound baby boy. They rush to see
their new son, and the nurse heads for the only quiet baby in the nursery and
brings him over for the proud parents to ogle. "Gee, he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of the babies." said one father. "Oh, he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass." the first viewing of their son, |
| NOSE PICKING GLOSSARY | WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN |
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A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display:
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache on it.
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white
mustache on it.
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white
mustache on it. |
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her
aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here." |
| WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS | HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME |
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long, happy, life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," she said. "How old are you ?" "Twenty-six," replied the little old man. |
A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true what
Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?" "Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarrassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain. "Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?" |