Not this moment's joke

Musician Jokes

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and make lots of mistakes

What is the difference between a Violin and a Cello?

A Cello takes longer to burn.

How do you get two flautists to play in unison?

Shoot one of them.

How can you tell if there is a viola section at your door?

None of them know where to come in.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe

Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?

Both give you a warm feeling, but nobody cares

What's the definition of a gentleman?

A man who brings a soprano sax to a gig and refuses to play

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?

A drummer

What's the difference between a dead snake on the road and a dead country and western singer on the road.

Skid marks in front of the snake

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune

The bow is moving

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?

the coffin has the corpse inside

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?

The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one?

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him a sheet of music?

What's the definition of a semitone?

2 clarinets playing in unison.

How can you tell when there is a drummer at your door?

The knocking gets faster.

How can you tell when the lead singer is at your door?

He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

What do you get when you cross a drummer with a roadie?

A dumber drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.

What did the timpanist get on his IQ test?

Drool

Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning?

They rarely strike the same place twice

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?

They are both offensive and inaccurate.

What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?

The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?

You can negotiate with the PLO

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the noise

If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a conductor?

Because it's had so little use.

What do you throw a drowning electric bass player?

His amplifier (preferably plugged in!)

What is the definition of Alto?

A low form of singing indulged in by some women!

A drummer walks into a shop to buy some guitar strings.
``Do you have any guitar strings?'' he asks the shop owner.
``You're a drummer, aren't you'' says the shop owner.
``How did you know that?'' asks the drummer.
``Because this is a fish and chip shop.''