Men Jokes

1. 90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.
2. A Farmer and his wife are in bed . He reaches forward and feels her breasts.
   He says ' You know if these were bigger we wouldn't need the cow.'
   She reaches back and feels his dick. She says ' If this was bigger we wouldn't need the farm manager.'
3. A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"
4. A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted.
5. A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
6. A man finds his wife in bed with another man. "What are you doing?" he yells.
   "See," she says to her lover, "I told you he was dumb."
7. A man heard that 90 percent of all accidents happen within 10 miles of the home...
   So he moved.
8. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
   A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
9. A man is walking down the street with a pig under his arm. He passes a person who asks 'Where did you get that?' The pig says, 'I won him in a raffle!'
10. A man makes love like he drives a car...
    Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out.
11. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night'
12. A perfect man, a perfect woman and Santa Claus were leaving a department store. Who would be holding up the door?
    The perfect woman of course, the other two are figments of the imagination.
13. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist is hoping they are.
14. A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
    That's why he dates someone half his age.
15. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
16. A woman is incomplete until she is married. After that, she's finished
17. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
    Dating children.
18. A woman to a man is like flowers to a vase.
    A man to a woman is like bicycle to a fish.
19. A woman's job is never done because she still has to do what she asked her husband to do.
20. A woman's love is a man's privilege, not his right.
21. All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one
22. Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
23. Among men, sex sometimes leads to intimacy; among women intimacy sometimes leads to sex.
24. An unmarried man is an example of failure of Care in the community.
25. At the mall, women get excited, thrilled, and overjoyed by purchasing the perfect item.
    Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking space.
26. Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
27. Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
28. Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.
29. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
30. Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
31. Besides his dog, what is a man's best friend?
    His hand.
32. Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.
33. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
34. Boys will be boys, but one day all girls will be women.
35. Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
36. Dear doctor, both my wife and I are sterile. Is there any possibility that we will pass this on to our children?
37. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
38. Describe the ideal man.
    The ideal man has a tongue 18 inches long and can breathe through his ears.
39. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend.
    So which is the dumber sex?
40. Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
    It had a penis AND a brain!
41. Did you hear about the guy who left his wife?
    She gave birth to twins, and he didn't believe her when she said there was no other guy.
42. Did you hear about the man that was so dumb that he thought the purpose of an erection was to get rid of the wrinkles in his penis?
43. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
    He had it bronzed.
44. Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men?
    She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
45. Did you hear that I ran into my ex the other day?..........
    No, I didn't. What happened then?
    Well, I backed up and ran him over again!
46. Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
    They discovered they were throwing away the best part.
47. Did you hear there is a new masculine deoderant spray called Umpire?
    It's for men with foul balls!
48. Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
    They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
49. Do you know why it takes men so much time to wash their basement windows?
    They have to dig down the ladder first.
50. Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
    So oxygen can get into their brains
51. Doctor, I think my husband's dead. Oh, really? What makes you think that? Well, the sex is the same, but he doesn't smell of beer anymore.
52. Doctor, my wife just swallowed a whole bottle of Asprin! What should I do?
    - Wake her up and give her a headache.
53. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies
54. Don't trust a man who says he's single and then picks you up in a Volvo Estate with a child seat in the back
55. Don't wear your glasses on a blind date.
    You'll look better, and he will too.
56. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
57. Flies spread disease, keep your's zipped.
58. For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony.
59. Girls, when you date, always have the mother's quaint old sayings in mind:
    'Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!'
60. Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
61. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
62. Grow your own dope, plant a man!
63. Guy: How much do these diapers cost?
    Saleswoman: They are $2.69 plus tax.
    Guy: Skip the tacks, we'll pin them on.
64. Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
    Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
65. Have you heard about the new Divorced Barbie?
    She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
66. Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
    It turns your Harddrive into a 3 1/2 floppy!
67. He keeps a record of everything he eats.
    It's called a tie.
68. He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
    She: Well, you succeeded.
69. Here's an oxymoron: a grown man.
70. Him: Honey, I'm sick.
    Her: When does it hurt?
    Him: Doing the dishes.
71. How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
    They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
72. How are men and dogs alike?
    If they can't eat it or screw it, then they just piss on it.
73. How are men and irons alike?
    They leave stains whenever they get too hot.
74. How are men and parking spots alike?
    The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
75. How are men like "Miller Lite"?
    They taste good, but aren't very filling.
76. How are men like accessories?
    If they don't compliment your wardrobe, shop for a new one.
77. How are men like bank machines?
    Once they withdraw they lose interest.
78. How are men like chocolates?
    A. They never last long enough
    B. They always leave stains whenever they get hot.
79. How are men like diplomas?
    You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it.
80. How are men like eggs in boiling water?
    Don't expect them to get hard fast if they just got laid.
81. How are men like elevators?
    If you find one working, you can be sure it stinks and probably won't go down.
82. How are men like noodles?
    They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
83. How are men like toilets?
    A. They're either occupied or crappy.
    B. Their always blocked and full of shit.
84. How are men like UFOs?
    You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.
85. How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
    Get married.
86. How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
    Her husband wakes up.
87. How can you tell he'll be a good father?
    When he talks to little girls, he doesn't leer.
88. How can you tell if a man has been using the computer?
    If you visit a site: "www.[insert porno site here].com", you find all the links purple...
89. How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
    He gets out of the shower to pee.
90. How can you tell if a man is aroused?
    He's breathing.
91. How can you tell if a man is cheating on you?
    He's not at home
92. How can you tell if a man is getting old?
    It ain't hard!
93. How can you tell if a man is happy?
    Who cares?
94. How can you tell if a man is intelligent?
    You poor, naive thing!
95. How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
    He *throws* his kisses.
96. How can you tell if a man's playing around?
    He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may concern..."
97. How can you tell if your husband's dead?
    Sex is the same but you get the remote.
98. How can you tell if your man is perverted? - He uses a feather in bed.
    How can you tell if your man is kinky? - He uses the whole chicken.
99. How can you tell it's puppy love for a man?
    He slobbers all over you.
100. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
     In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
101. How can you tell that God is a woman?
     If God were a man, he would have put the balls on the inside.
102. How can you tell the difference between a real man and a snowman?
     Snowmen will be seen with a broom.
103. How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
     Guilt gifts are nicer.
104. How can you tell when a man is dead?
     He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
105. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
     When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
106. How can you tell when you have gained too much weight?
     Men start treating you with respect.
107. How come a man who has sex loses much more calories than a woman having sex?
     He spends at least an 100 to run around telling his friends about it.
108. How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
     He never had to date one.
109. How did Pinnochio find out he was made of wood?
     His hand caught on fire.
110. How do men define insomnia?
     Waking up every few days.
111. How do men exercise on the beach?
     By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
112. How do men sort their laundry?
     "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
113. How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
     They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
114. How do most men define marriage?
     A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
115. How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
     They never get a job.
116. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
     Two ways to cross a river.
117. How do we know men invented maps?
     Who else would make an inch into a mile?
118. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
     We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
119. How do you blind a man?
     Place him in a grocery store.
120. How do you confuse a man?
     Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.
121. How do you drown a man?
     A. Hot glue a porno magazine to the bottom of a pool.
     B. Hot glue a six pack to the bottom of a pool.
122. How do you get a husband to love you and no one else?
     Become his secretary.
123. How do you get a macho guy to stop calling "it" The Whopper, My Bazooka, and The Thunder Rod?
     Ask, 'Is it in?'
124. How do you get a man aroused?
     Just be there.
125. How do you get a man to do situps?
     Put the remote control between his toes
126. How do you get a man to keep his hands off you?
     Marry him.
127. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
     Make him wear shoes.
128. How do you get yourself a nice fur-coat?
     Find a wolf and skin him.
129. How do you keep a man busy for days?
     Put him in a round room and tell him to look for the corners.
130. How do you keep a man from raping you?
     Throw him the remote control.
131. How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
     You marry him.
132. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
     Rename the mail folder to "instruction_manuals"
133. How do you know a boy has grown up to be a man?
     1. You don't 'cause he never will.
     2. He buys more expensive toys.
134. How do you know God isn't a woman?
     If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate.
135. How do you know if a man is lying?
     His lips are moving!
136. How do you know if your man is dead?
     Sex is the same, but there's less ironing
137. How do you know when a man has an orgasm?
     He rolls over and starts snoring.
138. How do you know when men are about to say something smart?
     It starts with "My wife said..."
139. How do you make a man horny?
     Tie his hands behind his back.
140. How do you make your husband scream while you make love?
     You call him.
141. How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face monday morning?
     Tell him a joke friday night.
142. How do you save a man from drowning?
     Take your foot off his head.
143. How does a man buy lingere for a woman?
     He throws it on the floor to see if it looks good.
144. How does a man commit suicide?
     He jumps from his ego to his I.Q.
145. How does a man drunk save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
     He controls himself.
146. How does a man find the woman of his dreams?
     Like he finds all other women, very satisfying.
147. How does a man have the power to make a woman happy?
     By remaining a bachelor.
148. How does a man keep his youth?
     By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
149. How does a man know when it's time to do the washing up and clean the house?
     He looks inside his pants. If he has a penis, it's not time.
150. How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
     He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
151. How does a man take a bubble bath?
     He eats beans for dinner.
152. How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
     We dont know, we never met a man who cares.
153. How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
     He starts bathing twice a week.
154. How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
     She asks them for a commitment.
155. How is a man and a sports car alike?
     Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
156. How is a man in bed like microwave food?
     30 seconds and he is done.
157. How is a man like a microwave oven?
     Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
158. How is a man like a petrol station?
     A. From the belly-button down he's super.
     B. From the belly button up to his neck, he's normal, and from the neck up he's simply air.
159. How is a man like a snowstorm?
     Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
160. How is a man like the weather?
     Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
161. How is a marriage like a hot bath?
     Once get used to it, it's not so hot.
162. How is a penis and a rubix cube alike?
     The more you play with them the harder they get.
163. How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
     It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
164. How is Antarctica and a women't clitoris alike?
     Most men know it's down there, but most men don't care.
165. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
     At the circus the clowns don't talk.
166. How many cute guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     If you're in the dark with a cute guy, why worry about the lights?!
167. How many divorced men does it take to replace a light bulb?
     None, she got the house.
168. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
     Both of them.
169. How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
     A. We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
     B. Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
170. How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
     A. None. Let the bitch do it herself.
     B. None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
171. How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
     None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
172. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
     Who knows? - did it ever happen??
173. How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal?
     One
174. How many men does it take to mop a floor?
     No one knows; they've never done it.
175. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
     Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
176. How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
     I don't know, it's never been done.
177. How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
     A. One - men will screw up anything.
     B. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
     C. Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the emergency room.
     D. Six - one to sit on a table, 4 to rotate the table, and one to stay at the door and watch for electricity.
     E. Just one, but he would rather climb the ladder, hold on to the bulb, and let the world revolve around him!
178. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
     Three, if you slice them real thin.
179. How many men jokes are there?
     A. None, they're all true.
     B: About half the population.
180. How men interpret the bible...
     - Did you know that they had baseball in the bible? 'In the Big Inning'.
     - Who is the first man in the bible? -Chap 1.
     - Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt? They must have, because Joseph served in Pharahoe's court.
181. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
     All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
182. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
     Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
183. Husband: I think you should learn to some gardening, then we could do without the gardener.
     Wife: Well, if you would learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the pool-man too.
184. Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
     Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
185. Husband: This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
     Wife: No problem, I'll get you some that is.
186. Husband: Want a quickie?
     Wife: As opposed to what?
187. Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
     Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
188. Husband: You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
     Wife: No, have you?
189. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
190. Husbands are like children: they're fine if they're someone else's
191. Husbands never become good, they merely become proficient.
192. I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures.
193. I finally got my husband to do some gardening, but he broke his leg raking leaves.
     He fell out of the tree...
194. I like my men like I like my pizza:
     12 inches and uncut.
195. I married Mister Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.
196. I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
197. I really didn't want to marry him for the money, but I couldn't find any other way to get it.
198. I'm not saying my husband is dumb, but, when his doctor told him he had sugar in his urine, he went home and pissed on his corn flakes.
199. I've got a head I can't think with. An eye I can't see with, and most of all I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbour is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy. Worst of all is my owner beats me all the time!
200. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He'll be back to his usual self
201. If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax it means is he can't hear the TV
202. If a man talks in the forest and there is no woman to hear, is he still wrong?
203. If a man was king of the world, he would make every Sunday a SuperBowl Sunday, outlaw cleaning, and require women to work naked.
204. If god had wanted men to be perfect, he'd have given them brains
205. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
206. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practising.
207. If he clips his toenails over the living room floor, shave your armpits over his copy of "Classic Car".
208. If he is better than you at something, he will tell you how important it is.
     If you are better than a him, he will claim it's nothing useful anyway
209. If he won't wear a condom, staple his willy at the end. That'll make him think. Sorta...
210. If men are so competent, how come you always see signs reading "DANGER - MEN WORKING" ?
211. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
     How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
212. If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive-through windows.
213. If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
214. If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldn't have time to do our hair. --Marlene Dietrich
215. If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
     None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
216. If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
217. If you catch a man, throw him back.
218. If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation
219. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming way too high
220. If you want to know why men are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!
221. If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
222. If your man keeps looking at you at a restaurant, don't turn around unless you want your evening ruined.
     She is probably both younger and prettier.
223. In a courtroom it takes 12 men to find out if a woman is innocent.
     On a country lane in the moonlight, it takes only one.
224. In England, a dumb man who doesn't do anything is called a Gentleman.
     Here we call him a boyfriend.
225. Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
     Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
226. It's not true that married women live longer than single women.
     It only seems longer.
227. It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know, you're really a lousy lover.'
     To which the husband replies 'How can you tell after only 30 seconds?'
228. Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out,
     "Liza, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"
229. Losing a husband can be hard.
     In my case, it was damned near impossible.
230. Man is the king of his castle
     A king is a ruler
     A ruler is 12 inches
     Still think you're a man?
231. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
     God says: "So you would love her."
     "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
     God says: "So she would love you."
232. Man: Why do men only think of sex all the time and women don't?
     Woman: because women can think of more than one thing at a time
233. Man: Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
     Woman: Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
234. Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
     The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
235. Married women consider a husband who falls asleep immediately after sex a good lover.
     A mediocre one falls asleep during.
236. Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie. They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk.
     The problem was getting Ken to listen.
237. Men are all the same, they just have different faces so you can tell them apart
238. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes.
     It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
     And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
239. Men are like animals, but they make great pets.
240. Men are like animals, messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets
241. Men are like cement....
     After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
242. Men are like chocolate bars....
     Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
243. Men are like coffee....
     The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
244. Men are like computers...
     Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
245. Men are like coolers...
     Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
246. Men are like department stores....
     Their clothes should always be half off.
247. Men are like horoscopes....
     A. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
     B. You cant trust either one.!
248. Men are like oreos.
     Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore!
249. Men are like plungers...
     They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
250. Men are like recliners you pull the lever and they lay back
251. Men are like vacations....
     They never seem to be long enough.
252. Men are proof of reincarnation.
     You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
253. Men don't really care how big your tits are. They would, but they're too busy worrying about the size of their dicks.
254. Men get laid.
     Women get screwed.
255. Men is proof even god makes mistakes
256. Men vacuum like they mow the lawn, they only go over it once, and what they miss they get later with the weed eater.
257. Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
258. Men who say they can see through women are missing a lot.
259. Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.
260. Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own
261. Men's brains are like the prison system: not enough cells per man
262. Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
     Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
263. Most sophisticated women realize that any man who knows more than three lovemaking positions have to be rated an imaginative lover.
264. My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
     I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
265. My husband had to cash a check, and the sign at the door said '24 hour banking'. But he turned and went back to the car, So I asked him why, and he replied: 'I don't have that much time'
266. My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole.
267. Never do housework.
     No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
268. Never get involved with a married man -- you already know he is a liar and a cheat
269. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
270. Never marry a man for money.
     You'll have to earn every penny
271. Never sleep with a man who's named his willy
272. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home
     He'll most likely lie about other things too
273. Nobody can call him a quitter.
     He always gets fired.
274. Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding
275. On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
     Written just below it: 'I do not'
276. One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."
277. One woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
     The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
278. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
279. Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. (Groucho Marx)
280. Priest: 'I don't think you will ever find another man like you late husband.'
     Wife: 'Who's gonna look?'
281. Real estate agent: Would you like to see a model home?
     Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
282. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
283. Remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
284. Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany
285. Sadly, all men are created equal.
286. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men: A woman
287. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
     Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
288. Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
289. So many men so many reasons not to sleep with any of them!
290. So what do you do when your husband is staggering around in the back yard?
     Shoot him again!
291. Some men marry poor girls to settle down, and others marry rich ones to settle up.
292. Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let him sleep!
293. Tell him you are not his type...
     - You have a pulse.
294. The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons, you're sick of him
295. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
296. The biggest difference between a man and a woman:
     A man looks at a woman and gets all hot and bothered.
     A woman doesn't even look at a man
297. The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.
298. The fastest way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with a guy.
299. The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
300. The only reason men are on the planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy the drinks.
301. The only time my husband ever got close to the sink was when he wanted to try tap dancing, and he broke his ankle falling into it.
302. The tri stages of how interested he is in sex...
     Age 25: Tri-weekly
     Age 45: Try-weekly
     Age 69: Try-weakly
303. The trouble for a man with being best man at a wedding is that he gets no chance to prove it.
304. The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing - then marry him.
305. There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men -
     strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.
306. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop (unless they are used together)
307. There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.
308. There is only one beautiful boy in the world, and every mother has one.
309. They say that men only care about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about:
     A. power and world domination,
     B. money,
     C. beer.
310. They say women wear make-up and perfume because they are ugly and smell bad.
     Q: Why don't men wear make-up and perfume?
     A: Because they're ugly and smell bad and *don't* know it.
311. This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said 'I Will' he knew damn well he couldn't.
312. Three blondes run across a genie and he said that he would grant them each one wish. The first blonde wished to be 50% smarter. POOF! She's a brunette. The second one wished to be 25% smarter. POOF! She's a redhead. The third one wished to be 50% dumber. POOF! She's a blonde man!
313. Three blondes meet a fairy and are granted one wish each. The first one says: "I want to be even more blond than I am!" and ZZAPP - she's unbelievably blond. The second says: "I want to have the bluest eyes in the world." and ZZAPP - here eyes outshine the sea. The third says: "I already am stupid, but I want to be more bloody stupid than a stone." and ZZAPP - she's a man.
314. Three women are discussing men.
     "I love to see a man´s firm ass" the first woman says.
     The second nods but says "I think I like to look at a man's washboard stomach."
     They turn to the third woman, "What about you?".
     "Me? I prefer to see the top of his head."
315. To women, love is an occupation.
     To men, love is a preoccupation.
316. Today, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
     To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
317. Wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.
318. We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
     Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
319. What 3, 2 letter words REALLY irritate a man?
     'Is it in!?!?'
320. What are a married man's two greatest assets?
     A closed mouth and an open wallet.
321. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
     A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.
322. What are the only two kinds of men?
     Studs and duds.
323. What are the three things a man over 40 should never forget?
     1.Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
     2.Never trust a fart.
     3.Never take a hard-on for granted.
324. What are the three words a woman can always expect from a man after sex?
     How was I
325. What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex?
     "Honey! I'm home!"
326. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
     1. No mind.
     2. No business.
327. What can a bird do that a man can't?
     Whistle through it's pecker!
328. What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
     Dumbbells.
329. What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
     Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection.
330. What did God say after creating man?
     I can do better.
331. What did God say after she made Eve?
     Practice makes perfect.
332. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
     It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
333. What did the man say after watching the ballet?
     'Why don't they use taller girls?'
334. What do "Slow, children playing" grow up to be?
     "Slow, Men at Work"
335. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
     Men always miss them.
336. What do ceramic tiles and men have in common?
     If you lay them right in the beginning, you can walk over them for life.
337. What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
     They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them.
338. What do getting a man to learn and trying to fly the speed of light have in common?
     Both have been tried, both failed.
339. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
     Come in eight flavors.
340. What do men and apes have in common?
     Everything.
341. What do men and athiests have in common?
     Neither one of them believes in the second coming!
342. What do men and beer have in common?
     They're both empty from the neck up.
343. What do men and brains have in common?
     Nothing thats why they are called shit for brains.
344. What do men and diapers have in common?
     They are always on your ass and full of shit.
345. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
     They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
346. What do men and sperm have in common?
     They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
347. What do men and women have in common?
     They both distrust men.
348. What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
     Foreplay.
349. What do men enjoy even more than lots of sex?
     Having their buddies believe them when they talk about it.
350. What do men have difficulty retaining?
     a) a job
     b) a budget
     c) a promise
     d) a secret
     e) a friendship
     f) a marriage
     g) an anniversary date
     h) a 15 minute erection
     i) all of the above
351. What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364 days?
     The card.
352. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
     Any place without a drive-up window.
353. What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
     An insurance company.
354. What do smart men do at the M&M factory?
     Proofread
355. What do women do with their arseholes in the morning?
     Pack their lunch and send them to work.
356. What do you do when you best friend runs away with you husband?
     Send her a thank you card.
357. What do you call 6 naked men standing on each others shoulders?
     A scrotum pole!
358. What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a mans head?
     A Space Invader
359. What do you call a handcuffed man?
     Trustworthy.
360. What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
     Castrated.
361. What do you call a man with half a brain?
     Gifted.
362. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
     Slow.
363. What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
     A widower
364. What do you call a really smart man?
     A two-penis genetic accident
365. What do you call a smart man?
     Unsighted.
366. What do you call a woman that works like a man??
     A Lazy bitch.
367. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
     A widow.
368. What do you call a woman without an asshole?
     Divorced.
369. What do you call a zit on a mans genitals?
     A brain tumour.
370. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
     A tourist.
371. What do you call ten men lined up ear to ear?
     A wind tunnel....
372. What do you call three men at the bottom of a lake?
     A start.
373. What do you do if you see a field full of men?
     Smile... and reload your gun.
374. What do you do if your bank account stops working?
     Divorce him.
375. What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
     Miss her.
376. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
     - Close the door!
377. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
     Exchange him
378. What do you do with a headache?
     You divorce him!
379. What do you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught nothing?
     "Three Men And A Baby"
380. What do you get when you cross a man with a pig?
     Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
381. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
     A cock that stays up all night.
382. What do you get when you take away half of a women's brain?
     A smart man
383. What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
     A man's undivided attention.
384. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
     His wife is good at picking out clothes.
385. What do you need when you have three male chauvinist pigs up to their necks in cement?
     More cement.
386. What does a man do when it's not football season?
     Hibernate.
387. What does a man call a woman who screws every guy in town?
     "Darling!"
388. What does a man call reclining in a cozy armchair with soft music playing in the background while a gorgeous blonde serves him coffee?
     "A rough day at the office."
389. What does a man call true love?
     An erection.
390. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
     A hot dog and a six pack.
391. What does a man make best for dinner?
     Reservations.
392. What does a man notice most when he's with his girlfriend?
     Every other woman around.
393. What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios?
     "Oh look, donut seeds!"
394. What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper?
     I could have done that.
395. What does a man think foreplay is?
     a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
     b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.
396. What does a neuron do in a man´s brain?
     It gets bored.
397. What does a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
     You can't fuck with either one.
398. What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
     Wear perfume that smells like beer.
399. What does it mean when the man in the house suddenly shows you affection, tenderness and sympathy?
     It means you're in the wrong house.
400. What does women have in common with trash?
     It is hard to find a good man to take them out!
401. What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
     A teabag.
402. What happens when a man undoes his fly?
     His brain falls out.
403. What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
     Four guys watching a football game.
404. What is 6" long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?
     Money
405. What is a "man about town"?
     He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.
406. What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
     When three men kills 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
407. What is a husband?
     Its an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves put up.
408. What is a macho man?
     After getting a blow job, he asks the woman; 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'
409. What is a man doing when he pours beer on his hand?
     Getting his date drunk.
410. What is a man's idea of doing housework?
     Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
411. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
     An half hour of begging.
412. What is a man's view of safe sex?
     A padded headboard.
413. What is a man's worst nightmare?
     (a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap opera,
     (b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it,
     (c) a female boss,
     (d) he has to ask his wife for money.
414. What is a more macho man?
     At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen to you often?'
415. What is a relationship?
     A way to keep masturbation from getting boring.
416. What is a woman's wildest, raunchiest, dirtiest, sleaziest sexual fantasy ever?
     A man who thinks
417. What is gross stupidity?
     144 men in one room.
418. What is making love?
     It is the thing women dream of while men fuck them
419. What is six inches long, two inches wide and makes men act like fools?
     Money.
420. What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
     The man.
421. What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
     Once, when it was still in the factory.
422. What is the definition of a man with manners
     He gets out of the pool to pee
423. What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
     One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
424. What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?
     Forty-five minutes.
425. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
     One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
426. What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
     One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
427. What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
     E.T. phoned home.
428. What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
     One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.
429. What is the difference between a Porsche and a vacuum cleaner?
     The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
430. What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly?
     One gives birth and the other gives burps.
431. What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
     Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.
432. What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
     The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
433. What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
     The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
434. What is the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
     Forty-five pounds.
435. What is the difference between men and women:....
     A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
     A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
436. What is the man's idea of the perfect cinderella ten?
     A woman that sucks and fucks till midnight then turns into a six pack and a pizza.
437. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
     They're married.
438. What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
     When the power goes off.
439. What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day?
     Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.
440. What is the similarity between men and nylons.
     When you need them they run.
441. What is the smartest thing a man has ever said?
     Well my wife says....
442. What is the thinnest book in the world?
     "What men know about women."
443. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
     The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
444. What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
     A hunting licence.
445. What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
     The La-Z-Boy recliner.
446. What should you give a man who has everything?
     A. A woman to show him how to work it.
     B. Penicillin
447. What the definition of a man? A life support system for a penis.
448. What three little word comes to a mans mind when his wife gets sentimental over a romantic movie?
     "Pass the popcorn."
449. What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
     It ends up in his mouth.
450. What will your husband say if you, out of pure generousity, give five dollars to a bum?
     Thanks honey, but I need ten.
451. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
     A sex-change operation.
452. What would men do if they had breasts?
     They'd stay at home and play with them all day.
453. What would the man call a woman who can suck an orange through a waterhose?
     Darling.
454. What's a dumb man's martini?
     An olive in a glass of beer.
455. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
     Sex.
456. What's a man's favourite wine?
     'Why is he driving a Porsche?? I deserve it more...'
457. What's a man's idea of a romantic gift that is also practical?
     A toaster that glows in the dark.
458. What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
     A candlelit football stadium.
459. What's a sure sign a man is planning to be unfaithful?
     If he has a penis.
460. What's an orgasm mum?
     I don't know, ask your father.
461. What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
     A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
462. What's it called when a woman gets paralyzed from the waist down?
     Marriage.
463. What's long, hard, and filled with semen?
     A submarine! (sea-men...)
464. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
     A bar of chocolate.
465. What's the average man's definition of foreplay?
     Unzipping his fly.
466. What's the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
     Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.
467. What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
     The wrinkles!
468. What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
     Move the TV into the bedroom.
469. What's the best way to kill a man?
     Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
470. What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig?
     A man who hates every bone in a woman's body - except his own.
471. What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
     Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
472. What's the difference between a man and a bathtub?
     You can scrub the scum off of a bathtub.
473. What's the difference between a man and a camel?
     A camel can work for 8 days without drinking, while a man can drink for 8 days without working.
474. What's the difference between a man and a cow?
     One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
475. What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
     Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
476. What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
     You can straighten up a messy room.
477. What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
     You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
478. What's the difference between a man and a squirrel?
     The squirrel stores his nuts under rocks and cracks' em.
479. What's the difference between a man and a woman?
     A woman loves to eat out at her favorite restraunt, and a man wants to eat out without ever having to leave the house.
480. What's the difference between a man and a yoghurt?
     A yoghurt has culture.
481. What's the difference between a man and an ox?
     Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
482. What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
     One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
483. What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
     At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
484. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
     A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
     B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
485. What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
     It's easy to blow a paycheck, even if it wrinkly, stained or smells funny.
486. What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
     A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the person who owns one.
487. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
     The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
488. What's the difference between an average man and a doctor?
     A. The doctor is polite when asking you to undress.
     B. The doctor listens when you complain, and the doctor washes his hands before touching you.
489. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
     I don't know, I've never seen either one.
490. What's the difference between men and algae?
     Nothing, they're both scum.
491. What's the difference between men and alley cats?
     Men are taller.
492. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
     Bonds mature.
493. What's the difference between men and pigs?
     Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!
494. What's the difference between pink and purple?
     Her grip
495. What's the difference between women and men?
     One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.
496. What's the difference between your boyfriend and a pigeon?
     The pigeon can easily make a deposit on a BMW.
497. What's the dumbest part of a man?
     His Prick.(it's got no brains, its best friends are two nuts, and it lives next door to an asshole)
498. What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband?
     Say she wants to talk to him.
499. What's the greatest mystery about men?
     How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
500. What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
     Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
501. What's the most difficult adjustment a man has to make after having a sex change operation?
     Taking a 30% cut in pay
502. What's the most effective birth control device for men.
     Their manners.
503. What's the most useful part of a man?
     A wallet.
504. What's the one thing that keep most men out of college?
     High School.
505. What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
     Get married on his birthday.
506. What's the quickest way to lose 180 pounds of ugly fat?
     Divorce him.
507. What's the real reason men can't communicate?
     It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time.
508. What's the similarity between a woman and a hurricane?
     They're both wet and wild when they come, and they both take the furniture and house when they leave!
509. What's wrinkled and hangs out a man's underwear?
     His mother...
510. When a newly married woman looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married woman looks happy, we wonder why.
511. When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?
     The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.
512. When a woman is pregnant, she craves odd stuff. What does a man crave?
     Other women
513. When a woman makes a fool of a man, it's usually an improvement.
514. When do men insist that women are illogical?
     When a woman doesn't agree with them.
515. When do you care for a man's company?
     When he owns it.
516. When does a man get hurt by your words?
     When you hit him with the dictionary...
517. When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
     A.When he has a new car.
     B.When he has a new wife.
518. When God made Man, she was just kidding.
519. When God made Man, she was only practising.
520. When God made the patriarchate she was drunk.
521. When he asks you if he's your first tell him;
     'You may be, you look familiar'
522. When is it ok for a guy not to know the proper spelling of 'clitoris'?
     When he has it on the tip of his tounge.
523. When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about 'the ceremony'.
     Men talk about 'the bachelor party'.
524. When will a guy wear pantyhose to work?
     When his wife has found a pair in the glove compartment.
525. When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living
526. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will probably find that he already is
527. Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
     A mental hospital.
528. Where is a woman's asshole during sex?
     On the Golf course.
529. Where is a women's asshole when she is having an orgasm?
     At home watching the kids where he should be
530. Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
     a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
     b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
531. Who are balding men trying to fool when they comb the few wisps of hair that they still have, across their heads?
     Themselves.
532. Who needs a husband?
     My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
533. Why are beer cans so easy to open?
     Look who's drinking them.
534. Why are blonde jokes so short?
     So men can remember them.
535. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
     They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
536. Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
     Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
     Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
537. Why are men and spray paint alike?
     One squeeze and they're all over you
538. Why are men like blenders?
     You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
539. Why are men like commercials?
     You can't believe a word they say.
540. Why are men like lawn mowers?
     If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
541. Why are men like laxatives?
     They can irritate the shit out of you.
542. Why are men like outhouses?
     Because they are all full of shit
543. Why are men like paper cups?
     They're dispensable.
544. Why are men like popcorn?
     They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
545. Why are men lousy cooks?
     A. Because they dont know how to preheat before they put the meat in.
     B. Because every time the cookbook says "double the recipe" they try to heat the oven to 700 degrees.
546. Why are men obsessed with breasts?
     Because women have them
547. Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
     Because they should be.
548. Why are men so happy?
     Because ignorance is bliss.
549. Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
     They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
550. Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex?
     More perks, and the payoff is better.
551. Why are vibrators better than men?
     Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you dont have to do their laundry!
552. Why are windows male?
     Because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.
553. Why are women smarter than men?
     Because men have to take their clothes off just to count to 21.
554. Why are women so bad at mathematics?
     Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
555. Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
     Because they're pigs!
556. Why can't Stevie Wonder sort his laundry?
     He is a man
557. Why did God create man in his own image?
     Misery loves company.
558. Why did God create man?
     A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
     B. She didn't. Her husband did.
559. Why did God create man first?
     Easy, He needed a rough draft.
560. Why did God give men different faces?
     So you can tell them apart
561. Why did God make Adam first?
     Practice makes perfect.
562. Why did God make women so stupid?
     Someone had to like men!
563. Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?
     He wouldn't ask for directions
564. Why did Nature create Man?
     Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance? - Holbrook Jackson
565. Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
     He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease.
566. Why did the guy drive all winter without snow tyres?
     Because he was afraid they would melt in warm weather.
567. Why did the inexperienced man make such a lousy lover?
     He kept waiting for the swelling to go down.
568. Why did the man cross the road?
     a) Because his penis told him to.
     b) Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
     c) So the useless driver (a woman) down the street could hit him.
     d) Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.
     e) He heard the chicken was a slut.
     f) Who knows why the hell men do anything?
569. Why do men drink their beer so fast?
     They've heard of evaporation.
570. Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
     He wanted a foam mattress.
571. Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
     Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.
572. Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
     Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
573. Why do angry males act like such morons?
     Who says they're acting?
574. Why do Australian men cum so fast?
     So they can race down the pub and tell their mates.
575. Why do bachelors like smart women?
     Opposites Attract.
576. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
     To stop the snoring before it starts.
577. Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
     Blonde men aren't that clever either.
578. Why do boys run faster than girls?
     They have two ball bearings and a stick shift
579. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
     To knock the penises off the smart ones.
580. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
     To keep them from grazing.
581. Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
     Because they end every sentence with a proposition.
582. Why do married women complain about their husbands so much?
     Their husbands are men
583. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
     So they can find their way back to the house.
584. Why do men call women birds?
     Because of all the worms we pick up.
585. Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
     Because they are in them.
586. Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
     If they do anything around the house, it's odd!
587. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
     Breasts don't have eyes.
588. Why do men float?
     Because they are scum
589. Why do men get married??
     So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
590. Why do men get paid twice as much to do the same job?
     The woman gets it it right the first time.
591. Why do men have a hole in their penis?
     So they can think with an open mind.
592. Why do men have assholes?
     So they won't be total pricks.
593. Why do men have dicks?
     So they can play with something besides their Lego's
594. Why do men have legs?
     A. So their brains don't drag on the ground.
     B. So when your done with them they can leave.
595. Why do men have orgasms?
     So they will know when to stop having sex and fall asleep.
596. Why do men have pet names for their penises?
     Because they don't like to take orders from a stranger.
597. Why do men have spine?
     If they didn´t, they´d suck their dicks all day long.
598. Why do men have such big nostrils?
     Look at the size of their fingers.
599. Why do men have trouble parking sideways?
     They think that eenie weenine little space is also a foot long.
600. Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
     Because they can understand them
601. Why do men like BMWs?
     They can spell it.
602. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
     They like being able to both eat and make love during the commercial break.
603. Why do men like love at first sight?
     It saves them a lot of time.
604. Why do men like masturbation?
     Its sex with someone they love.
605. Why do men like to reek of beer?
     It keeps their body odor from being noticed
606. Why do men masturbate?
     They don't have to pay child support if they cut off their hand.
607. Why do men name their penises?
     Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
608. Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports?
     Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
609. Why do men prefer blondes?
     Men always like intellectual company.
610. Why do men prefer showers to baths?
     Peeing in the tub is disgusting.
611. Why do men prefer the woman to be on top ?
     Because men always fuck up.
612. Why do men snore?
     When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock
613. Why do men talk so dirty?
     So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
614. Why do men think they're better than women?
     Because they have always been told that two heads were better than one.
615. Why do men want only one thing?
     Because they've taken everything else.
616. Why do men want to marry virgins?
     They can't stand criticism.
617. Why do men want to vote for a female President?
     Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
618. Why do men wear pants?
     Did you ever see how bad they look in mini-skirts?
619. Why do men whistle when they`re sitting on the toilet?
     Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
620. Why do most men like women with big tits and small vaginas?
     Because most men have big mouths and little dicks.
621. Why do most men prefer looks to brains?
     Because most men see better than they think.
622. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
     Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
623. Why do so few men end up in heaven?
     They never stop to ask for directions.
624. Why do so many women fake orgasm?
     Because so many men fake foreplay.
625. Why do women always fall for the wrong kind of guy?
     Is there any other kind?
626. Why do women date jerks?
     Because all the sweet caring ones were hunted to extinction.
627. Why do women fake orgasms?
     A. It's sad watching a grown man cry.
     B. It will cause him to come faster so bad sex is over sooner.
     C. Because they think men give a damn
628. Why do women have orgasms
     It's something else to moan about
629. Why do women live longer than men?
     Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.
630. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
     Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
631. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
     Because they don't have balls to scratch.
632. Why do you think it's odd that a woman would be a better jockey than a man?
     All she has to do is hold a 1200 pound animal between her legs and control it with two small strips of leather...
633. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
     They won't stop to ask directions!
634. Why does the man bother to wake up?
     He's hoping for a lucky stroke. Mine.
635. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
     To keep the swelling down.
636. Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
637. Because their balls show...
638. Why don't little girls fart?
     Because they don't get assholes till they get married..
639. Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
     Because the sample is taken from their finger.
640. Why don't men cook at home?
     No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
641. Why don't men do laundry?
     Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
642. Why don't men eat between meals.
     There *IS* no "between" meals.
643. Why don't men eat more M & M's?
     They are too hard to peel.
644. Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
     Because they are all perfect assholes.
645. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
     They stay stuck in adolescence.
646. Why don't men have PMS?
     What would be the point, they act like that all the time.
647. Why don't men laugh at Internet jokes?
     They're too busy looking for the centerfold on the other side of the monitor.
648. Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
     It keeps them awake.
649. Why don't men name there penises after women?
     Because they don't want a woman running their life.
650. Why don't men need to use so much toilet paper?
     Because God made them perfect arseholes!
651. Why don't men often show their true feelings?
     Because they don't have any.
652. Why don't men use lipstick?
     Because they can't get any
653. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
     They don't have time.
654. Why don't women have any brains?
     Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.
655. Why is a hard man good to find?
     You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
656. Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
     Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support a man.
657. Why is a man different from a PC?
     You only have to tell the PC once
658. Why is a man just like a dog?
     A. Both have irrational fears of vaccuum cleaning.
     B. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
     C. Both are suspicious of the postman.
659. Why is a man like a moped?
     They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
660. Why is a woman different from a PC?
     A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
661. Why is food better than men?
     Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
662. Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador?
     You have to dodge a lot of bull.
663. Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander ?
     - It's too little to be let out alone.
664. Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
     Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
665. Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
     So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
666. Why is it impossible for a man to make jell-o?
     He can't figure out how to get two cups of water into that tiny package.
667. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
     Because they already have boyfriends.
668. Why is it the only time a man is smart is when he is having sex?
     Because he is plugged into a woman!
669. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
     When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
670. Why is shit male?
     Because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.
671. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
     Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
672. Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
     So men can tell if they are coming or going.
673. Why is your old husband like a christmas tree?
     They both have balls for decoration.
674. Why should men work seven days a week?
     So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
675. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
     A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
     B. So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
676. Why will men never elect a woman President of the United States?
     Men would rather keep contraception, abortion, and marital appliances frowned upon, but legal, instead of those things keeping men frowned upon, but legal.
677. Why won't a man make a commitment?
     He's afraid he'd have to share his beer and pretzels.
678. Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
     At least then they would get a little attention every 3 months or 3,000 miles, whichever came first.
679. Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.
680. Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
     Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
681. Wife: I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!
     Husband: That's great!!! What should I pack?
     Wife: Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get home.
682. Woman 1: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
     Woman 2: Sure, if you supply the whips.
683. Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
684. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the "do-it-yourself" types
685. Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
     Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
686. Women who think they are equal to men lack ambition.
687. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street completely bald and still think they look so gorgeous every man wants them
688. Would a clever woman make a good wife?
     A clever woman won't BECOME a wife!
689. You know the Christmas story would never hold water today.
     I mean, where are you going to find three wise men?
690. You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
     A. A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
     B. The female brains are sold as "used"
691. You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy...
692. Your old man and your dog are both at the front door barking. Which one do you let in?
     The dog, because he'll stop barking when he gets in.