The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
 

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 

As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO...."

She sort of forgets where she is--even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the pilot comes out and shouts, "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OEING!"
 

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even that hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she said.

I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
 

The guard brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."

Suddenly, the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."

Suddenly, the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."

...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
 

The other blonde looks at the tracks carefully and, after analyzing them, corrects her friend. "These are not deer tracks as you suspect," she says. "These are moose tracks."

The other blonde argues, "I know deer tracks when I see them, and these are definitely deer tracks!"

"Wrong!" said the other blonde, defending her analysis. "This area is heavily populated with moose, and these are moose tracks!"

While both blondes stood and argued about the tracks, they were both hit by the train.
 

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a minivan!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home, I won a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I won a motor home, I won a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned,

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag, and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and, sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
 

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch, and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"
 

Well, the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure, that sounds great!", said Julie.

"Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked.

"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 

After a while, she came upon a farmer, so she stopped to talk. She said to the farmer, "I would like to make a wager with you. If I were to tell you how much all of your sheep weighed, would you give me one?"

The farmer thought a minute and then said, "Well, it just happens that I weighed these sheep this morning, as I am going to take them to market. I guess if you could guess correctly I could give you one."

The lady carefully looked over the farmers flock of sheep, and after a couple of minutes, she told the farmer they weighed 6,412 pounds.

The farmer looked at her and said, "That's amazing, you got it within 8 pounds. Go on out and pick the sheep you want."

The lady went out into the field and brought back one of the critters with her.

When she got back to her car the farmer said, "I have a wager for you."

The woman asked what it was, and the farmer replied. "If I were to correctly guess your natural hair color, could I have my dog back?"
 

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
 

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh....22!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss: we can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You....' .".
 

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and ,sure enough, in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug. They continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped, and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal*Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.