• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

• Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

• You're just jealous, because the voices only talk to me.

• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

• I got a gun for my wife--best trade I ever made.

• So you're a feminist--isn't that cute!

• I need someone really bad--are you really bad?

• I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing.

• Hard work has a future payoff; laziness pays off now.

• Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

• Montana: at least our cows are sane!

• God must love stupid people, he made so many.

• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

• Smile; it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

• Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better....

• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

• Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.

• Ted Kennedy has killed more people with his car than I've killed with my gun.