On Dogs: The Humor Culled

Cats & Dogs Defined (G) What is a cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats.

Fire Dog (G) A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day, when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Dog Genesis (G) On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Dog Rules (G) The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Dog Sniffer (G) A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog, when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Rover, search."
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy," and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places both paws on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy," and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
"That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again, he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and, after a while, sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"
The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"