What Your Professor Says: My office hours are by appointment only.
Translation: I like to get out of here early.

What Your Professor Says: Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
Translation: I'll be fudging your grades.

What Your Professor Says: This won't be on the test.
Translation: Nap time!

What Your Professor Says: Bring the text to class.
Translation: I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

What Your Professor Says: He's not fully up to speed on that.
Translation: He's got his head up his ass.

What Your Professor Says: I don't have the latest department guidelines....
Translation: I've got my head up my ass.

What Your Professor Says: Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed....
Translation: I've got my head up his ass.

What Your Professor Says: Talk to the department secretary.
Translation: Fuck off.

What Your Professor Says: Talk to me in my office after class.
Translation: Get out of my face.

What Your Professor Says: The tests will all be multiple-choice.
Translation: I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.

What Your Professor Says: Don't come in late during my lecture.
Translation: I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

What Your Professor Says: Save your questions until the end.
Translation: Same as above.

What Your Professor Says: The final will be comprehensive.
Translation: I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

What Your Professor Says: Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
Translation: This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let you teach.

What Your Professor Says: There are two TAs available to help you.
Translation: Don't bother me.

What Your Professor Says: This year I'll be scaling the grades.
Translation: I just passed tenure review.

What Your Professor Says: Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
Translation: I have a hangover.

What Your Professor Says: Let's have class outdoors today!
Translation: I had beans for lunch.

What Your Professor Says: You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
Translation: My contract wasn't picked up.

What Your Professor Says: Please note the last day to withdraw.
Translation: The midterm's gonna be difficult.

What Your Professor Says: The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
Translation: I only got around to making up the test last night.

What Your Professor Says: The second list is optional reading.
Translation: I have a rich fantasy life.

What Your Professor Says: I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
Translation: The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

What Your Professor Says: Well, it was on the syllabus.
Translation: I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

What Your Professor Says: We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
Translation: There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.

What Your Professor Says: Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
Translation: See above.

What Your Professor Says: Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
Translation: I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.

What Your Professor Says: Read chapters 5 through 10.
Translation: I'm not coming in at all next week.

What Your Professor Says: We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
Translation: I fucked up the lecture schedule.

What Your Professor Says: Let's go over the exam.
Translation: Half of you failed.

What Your Professor Says: It was in the textbook.
Translation: I pulled it out of my ass.

What Your Professor Says: Extra credit is available
Translation: I need some shit work done.

What Your Professor Says: I'm postponing today's exam.
Translation: There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

What Your Professor Says: Don't write on the question sheet.
Translation: I'm so lazy, I just use the same exams every semester.