Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help--immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim.
It's only ten simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.
Ready? Begin:
1. When do you feel your best?
(a) in the morning
(b) during the afternoon and early evening
(c) late at night
2. You usually walk...
(a) fairly fast, with long steps.
(b) fairly fast, with short, quick steps.
(c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face.
(d) less fast, head down.
(e) very slowly.
3. When talking to people you...
(a) stand with your arms folded?
(b) have your hands clasped?
(c) have one or both your hands on your hips?
(d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking?
(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your
hair?
4. When relaxing, you sit with...
(a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side.
(b) your legs crossed.
(c) your legs stretched out or straight.
(d) one leg curled under you.
5. When something really amuses you, you respond with...
(a) a big, appreciative laugh.
(b) a laugh, but not a loud one.
(c) a quiet chuckle.
(d) a sheepish smile.
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you.
(b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone
you know.
(c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard ,concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted. Do you...
(a) welcome the break?
(b) feel extremely irritated?
(c) vary between these two extremes?
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
(a) red or orange
(b) black
(c) yellow or light blue
(d) green
(e) dark blue or purple
(f) white
(g) brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going
to sleep, you lie...
(a) stretched out on your back.
(b) stretched out face down on your stomach.
(c) on your side, slightly curled.
(d) with your head on one arm.
(e) with your head under the covers.
10. You often dream that you are...
(a) falling.
(b) fighting or struggling.
(c) searching for something or somebody.
(d) flying or floating.
(e) you usually have dreamless sleep.
(f) your dreams are always pleasant.
Now, assign yourself points for each of your answers, and write down the total:
1. (a) 2
(b) 4
(c) 6
2. (a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 7
(d) 2
(e) 1
3. (a) 4
(b) 2
(c) 5
(d) 7
(e) 6
4. (a) 4
(b) 6
(c) 2
(d) 1
5. (a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 3
(d) 5
(e) 2
6. (a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 2
7. (a) 6
(b) 2
(c) 4
8. (a) 6
(b) 7
(c) 5
(d) 4
(e) 3
(f) 2
(g) 1
9. (a) 7
(b) 6
(c) 4
(d) 2
(e) 1
10. (a) 4
(b) 2
(c) 3
(d) 5
(e) 6
(f) 1
Now add up the total number of points you received for your answers.
OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should "handle with care" You're seen as
vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant.
Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive
personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though
not always the right ones.
They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure.
They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and
always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but
sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head.
They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest... Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return.
Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if You ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it.
They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything.
They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
Work this out as you read, it only takes a minute.
1. First, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Then add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1751.... If not, add 1750..........
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
* You should now have a three digit number:
· The first digit of this was how many times you would like to eat out.
· The second two digits are your age.
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!"
"Congratulations on getting married!
It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming
the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it
improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to
ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find
was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT, DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so
I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I
would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20°. The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again.
I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she--nuts?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the g-ddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch It's a Wonderful Life one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all her idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30° and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cavein. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls, and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly, but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead."
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it
out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river,
a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 - A story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "this is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police
before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America
and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he
handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor,
told
him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written
on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out
a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat
defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes
later,
as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received
in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he
sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him, because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved,
the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he
probably figured it out himself.)
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on
the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was
made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on video tape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)
Idiot #8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50A.M., flashed a gun
and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open
the cash register without a food order. When the man
>ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed to vote!
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment,
I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at
least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that
it
be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
rarefied
facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30, because I am self-employed and my employer
does
not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again....
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.
Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "one for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
A man was sitting in his hospital bed while his wife was opening his get well cards, "This card says, "Get Well Quick." It's from our hospitalization plan!"
Patient to his psychiatrist: "I can't help it, Doctor, I keep thinking that my inferiority complex is bigger and better than anyone else's."
It was the night before surgery and Mr. Greenfield had left his dinner untouched. "At least eat your dessert," advised his nurse, pointing the Jello. Greenfield shook his head. "I don't want to eat anything that's more nervous than I am."
He's Walking Around the World!