• A Priest and a Bus Driver (G)
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter greets them.

He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills, with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says, "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true, guaranteed."

The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!"

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the Pearly Gates, and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms.

St. Peter says, "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."

The bus driver looks, and says to St. Peter, "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?"

St. Peter just laughs and says, "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!"
 


• The Helpful Priest(G)
A priest is walking down the street one day, when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
 


• Confession Cup (PG)
A man walks in to a confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asks the priest.

"I committed a murder."

The priest says,"Take a drink out of the holy cup, and you will be forgiven."

A women walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

The priest asks her what did she do.

"I robbed six banks."

The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup, and you will be forgiven."

Another man walks into the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asks the priest.

"I peed in the holy cup."
 


• Two Priests Go to Heaven (G)
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
 


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