Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I came down with laryngitis last week, and one day while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?" I responded, "I'm feeling a little horse."

As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her "Paper or plastic?" "Doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm bisackual."

I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before the main feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and asked to be excused and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck always gives him Disney spells.

An ace British aviator was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Afterwards, every time he flew over Buckingham Palace he would dip his wings in salute. The Queen was asked, "Who is that?" She replied, "That's the fly-by knight!"

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged. "Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls."

Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show you a man who is forging a head.
 

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed: the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"
 

He looked up to see from where it came in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival, she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer, and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close, the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
 

The German philosophy club?        I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?       Pardon me?

The Arafat club?       Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club?       Forget it.

The Ebert movie club?       Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?       You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?       Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?       Noh.

The quarterback club?       I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?       I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club?       Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?       Si.

The anti-perspirant club?       Sure.

The pregancy club?       Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club?       Maybe next week.

The Self Esteem Builders?       They wouldn't accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?       Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?       Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?       God willing!
 

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about 4 months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious--Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything-- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll make it out of chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
 

Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.

Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.

When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.

William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.

Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.

In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stable environment.

The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product "Snow Fakes".

The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough.

When the first calendar was produced in 1640, everyone knew its days were numbered.

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were a comedy team before they separated to have separate careers. It was Dean who finally had enough and quit, telling Jerry, "I'm tired of being the guy from the wrong side of the cracks."

A one-L lama is a Tibetan Priest. A two-L llama is a South American beast of burden. A three-L lllama is a helluva fire.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? A: They both involve sandy claws.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff".

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.

A guy with no arms and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British chap pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "You look 'armless, 'op in!"

He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look--what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY?"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "they're complimentary!"

He asked his brother how his wife was, and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine, and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed, and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl 'Denise'."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "'Denephew'."

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake, and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen: a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?