Funny Signs: The Humor Culled

The Humor Culled--or the Culls of Humor?

Х Funny Signs in Great Britain (but could be anywhere) (G)
аа1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
аа2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
аа3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back, or further steps will be taken.
аа4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
аа 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
аа6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything: bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
аа7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
аа8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
аа9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door--the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
а

Х Actual Business Signs (G) On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Sign outside brothel: On Vacation. Beat it.