Feminine Dictionary

Writen by: Lee Daniel Quinn © 1998

The softer half
Beauty, female, girl, lady, or woman -- there has been a lot written about this particuar species. Here are just some definitions:

• Bathing Suit,
  n. [1] a female garment cut to see level; [2] a garment for either gender that will either show you *off* or show you *up*
• Beauty,
  n. [1] simply one person's opinion -- loveliness is a basic quality; [2] is only sin deep; [3] the most heartless goddess, and the mirror is her sword; [4] most times comes from within -- jars, tubes and bottles; [5] a gift of Mother Nature which, too soon, is taken back by Father Time; [6] what a girl would rather have than brains -- the average male can see better than he can think; [7] is folly's most constant companion; [8] a person you take into your garden for the roses to see; [9] is the promise of happiness; [10] a female characteristic quite different from charm -- beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you; [11] is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone
• Beauty, Bathing,
  n. [1] a young lady you always see more of in the summer than in winter
• Beauty Contest,
  n. [1] a fashion show where you can witness the most beautiful, less-dressed women of the world
• Beauty Shop,
  n. [1] a business venture which is founded on the motto: "a thing of beauty is a job forever"
• Beauty, Thing of
  [1] is always a joy -- until your wife wants one like it
• Blushing,
  v. [1] something a charming young lady does when she is embarrassed -- today's crop are embarrassed when they blush
• Career Girl,
  n. [1] a female who gets a man's salary without having to marry one
• Chastity,
  n. [1] a state of being which is no more a virtue than malnutrition; [2] the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions; [3] a virtue which can only be truly admired when it is applied to a lovely lady
• Femin,
  neo. [1] a suggested non-biased term to be used in place of girl, woman, female, and lady -- takes the abbreviation "Fm."
• Feminist,
  n. [1] a female that prefers plots and plans to pots and pans; [2] a woman who complains that all the sperm donors are men
• Gallery,
  fem. n. (masc.: HUSBANDRY) [1] a collection of females
• Girl(s),
  n. [1] females who are very much like newspapers: they have great forms, they always have the last word, back numbers are not in demand, you can't believe everything they say, they are thinner than they used to be and, finally, every man should have his own and not borrow his neighbor's; [2] are all it takes to separate the men from the boys
• Girl, Modern,
  n. [1] a young woman who is afraid of nothing -- except a stack of dirty dishes
• Girl, Romantic,
  n. [1] the young lady who dreams about being swept off her feet by a strong Lothario who she has eating out of her hand
• Girl, Working,
  n. [1] once was a person who only heaven protected -- now she also has a union, federal unemployment insurance, anti-discrimination laws, NOW, ERA, a pension plan, and social security
• Glamour,
  n. [1] that indefinable "something" of a girl with a large bosom
• Glamour Girl,
  n. [1] a female of the species whose clothes fit her as if they appreciated the opportunity; [2] a young thing that finds it easier to defend her honor among men than her reputation among women; [3] a thing of beauty and an expense forever
• Gold Digger,
  n. [1] the kind of a women who doesn't care for a man's company -- unless he owns it; [2] a lady who has a strict rule, she never accepts gifts from perfect strangers -- however she has never met anyone who is perfect
• Hag,
  n. [1] a female whose features do not know the value of teamwork
• Intuition,
  n. [1] that power intrinsic in the female of the species which allows them to put two and two together and get your number; [2] what leads a woman to contradict her husband even before he has said anything; [3] feminine radar
• Lady,
  n. [1] a woman who, by her very presence, makes a man behave like a gentleman; [2] a woman with a very fine memory -- she always remembers others and never forgets herself; [3] a female who never allows her lingerie to show unintentionally.
• Lap,
  n. [1] one of the most important organs of the female system -- an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infants, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males; [2] that part of your anatomy which disappears when you stand
• Madam,
  n. [1] a lady for whom the belles toil
• Mother,
  n. [1] that parent who prays that her daughter gets a better husband than was her lot -- she doesn't worry about her son, she knows he cannot get a wife as good as his father did; [2] a female who is fonder of her children than the father -- she's sure they're hers; [3] a female parent who feels -- no matter the weather -- her son always shines; [4] a lady who cries at her daughter's wedding -- she knows that daughters usually pick husbands who are like their father; [5] a women who spends 20 years turning her boy into a man -- which is undone by another woman in 20 minutes.
• Mother Nature,
  n. [1] a mythical being combining two of the world's most powerful goddesses: the creator and the destroyer; [2] a mean bitch -- she puts all the important vitamins in the food you hate; [3] a deity that missed one item in evolution -- if we are to read the telephone book without glasses, our arms should grow longer as we age.
• Mother, Smart,
  n. [1] one who knows an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
• Mother-in-law,
  n. [1] a person who cannot see where mother-love ends and meddling begins; [2] the only unit of American law that assumes guilt until proven innocent.
• Mother's Day,
  n. [1] an occasion which occurs twice a year: once in June and then when school reopens in September; [2] is that holiday when you let mother cook the biggest dinner of the year
• Movie Star,
  n. [1] a talented person who has a life full of aggravations: if it isn't one spouse, it's another; [2] a beautiful bubble blown by her press agent; [3] a Hollywood resident who cannot live in the institution of marriage -- but doesn't mind frequent visits; [4] a female who tries to make it to the top by wearing clothes which don't; [5] a young woman who never bothers to adopt her husband's name -- it isn't worthwhile for such a short time; [6] a young thing whose talent is usually determined by a tape measure
• Nag,
  n. [1] a woman with a strange memory quirk -- her ability to remember is only exceeded by her inability to forget; [2] a female who badgers a man until he does what she wants -- and then has no respect for him because he has no mind of his own
• Secretary,
  n. [1] a female really worth her pay when she can think up excuses which her employer's wife will believe.
• Spinster,
  n. [1] ladies who are born -- not made; [2] a female who has never learned to tie a beau; [3] an unlusted number; [4] a lady whose epitaph will be "returned unopened"
• Stripper,
  n. [1] a female who doesn't let her left hand know what her right hand is undoing; [2] an actress who goes on stage with a strapless gown and ends her performance with a gownless strap
• Tock,
  n. [1] a female tick
• Widow,
  n. [1] a lady who after remarriage, may begin to talk fondly about her first husband -- a smart husband should bring up the topic of his next wife
• Wife,
  n. [1] another man's folly; [2] someone who is too beautiful for words -- but not for arguments; [3] a great comfort during her husband's troubles -- those, that as a bachelor, he would never have had; [4] a lady with a whim of iron; [5] a person who sits up with you when you are sick, and puts up with you when you are not; [6] the one person who in an argument, if you win -- you lose; [7] a lady who is much like an angler -- each think the best one got away; [8] a woman who can be labeled intelligent when she sees through her husband -- she's understanding when she sees him through; [9] what a man blames things on when he can't figure a way to blame the government; [10] a woman who can spot a blond hair on her husband's coat from ten feet away but can never see a fire plug when she parks; [11] a female who would rather mend your ways than your socks; [12] a woman who, in the same breath, can complain she has nothing to wear, and is bemoaning she needs more closet space; [13] a spouse who always feels she doesn't dance enough; [14] is in trouble with her roles when her husband finds her a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bedroom; [15] a person who only lasts as long as a marriage -- an ex-wife is forever
• Wife, Happy,
  n. [1] a spouse who is sometimes so because she has the best husband -- more often it is that she makes the best of the husband she has
• Wife, Wise,
  n. [1] one who makes her husband feel as if he is head of the house when, in reality, he is only chairman of the entertainment committee
• Woman, Liberated,
  n. [1] a female who has sex before marriage and a job after {Gloria Steinem}
• Woman, Married,
  n. [1] one who is always ready to practice economy -- if only her husband would give her enough money to practice with
• Woman, Naive,
  n. [1] a female who feels her friends think she looks as young as they say she does
• Woman, Old Fashioned,
  n. [1] a wife who tries to make one husband last a lifetime; [2] a women who looks exactly the same after she washes her face
• Woman, Resourceful,
  n. [1] a mother who teaches her children to swim while waiting for the plumber
• Woman'S Intuition,
  n. [1] that secret feminine gift which, when examined, is found out to be no more than man's transparency
• Woman'S Movie,
  n. [1] where the woman commits adultery all through the picture, and, at the end, her husband begs her to forgive him
• Women,
  n. [1] God's second mistake; [2] have their name derived from the phrase "woe to men"; [3] are essential to any nation's economy -- if they didn't exist money would have no meaning; [4] beings who provide men with the solace they wouldn't need if it were not for women; [5] who seek equality with men simply lack ambition; [6] are hated by men -- they always know where things are; [7] creatures who can be handled in only two ways -- unfortunately, no male one knows either of them; [8] are individuals who always have three weight problems -- putting it on, taking it off, or rearranging it; [9] are very much like money -- if you don't keep them busy, they lose interest; [10] the gender who can best fought with your hat -- grab it and run; [11] that gender which was devised to give meaning to money; [12] ladies who would be more charming if you could fall into their arms -- and not their hands; [13] the prime cause of suffering in three instances: before you get them, while you have them, and when you lose them; [14] the sex which would rather be right than reasonable; [15] are the female of the speeches; [16] those necessary beings which, while most make fools out of men, there are a few who can make a man out of a fool; [17] creatures who God made beautiful that men may love them, and irrational that they might love men; [18] the sort of a problem that a man likes to wrestle with; [19] are described by Confucius as like people of low birth -- they are very hard to deal with. If you are friendly with them, they get out of hand -- and, if you keep your distance, they resent it; [20] are individuals who have the unique ability to see through each other but rarely look into themselves; [21] in England, contrary to popular belief, they do not wear tweed nightgowns; [22] creatures who, if they are plain, know deeply about love -- the beautiful are too busy being fascinating to worry about such a trivial thing; [23] those who miscalculate are called "mothers"; [24] are the gender who can talk their way out of anything except a telephone booth; [25] a the gender who make fun of men who will not ask directions while on the road -- and yet, while shopping, will never consider asking a store clerk for similar directions