1.How do you measure a blonde's IQ?
With a tire guage!
2.Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
3.Two blondes were driving to Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Disneyland Left"
so they turned around and went home.
4.Why do blondes wear ponytails?
So people won't see the valve on their head.
5.Two blondes were walking around when they saw some tracks. One blonde says,
"They're moose tracks."
The other blonde says,"No, they're deer tracks."
"No, they're moose tracks!"
"Deer tracks!"
They kept arguing until the train ran them over.
6.A smart blonde, a dumb blonde, Santa Claus, and the Easter bunny were walking along
when they saw $100. Who got the money?
The dumb blonde because the other three don't exist.
(See joke 168 for a slightly different punch line)
7.How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.
8.How can you tell blondes are so bias?
They keep going, "Buy us this," "Buy us that."
9.What's the difference between the following two sounds: A punctured balloon and a blonde
with a hole in her head?
None.
10.What sound does a blonde going through a flashing red light make?
Screech. Vrrmmm. Screech. Vrmmm.
11.Why did the blonde dye her hair red?
Instant intelligence!
12.Why don't blondes like the S.A.T.?
It's too difficult to spell.
13.Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
So they remember 'Toe Goes in First'
14.Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get all that water in the little package.
15.Why did the blonde stare at the carton of Orange Juice?
It said 'concentrate'
16.What's the first things blondes do in the morninng?
They go home!
17.What's a blonde's favorite saying?
'I don't know'
18.Why do blonde's wear shoulder pads?
To protect their head when saying 'I don't know' (This joke requires that special visual
element)
19.What do you call a brunette and two blondes standing on a corner?
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks
20.What do a blonde reading a book and people in a silent movie have in common?
Their lips are moving but no sound is coming out!
21.Did you hear about the blonde who went hot air ballooning?
She stepped to close to the campfire! (C'mon, think about it...)
22.What do blondes and McDonald's have in common?
Over five billion served!
23.Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
24.Did you hear about the blonde who was blind for ten years?
It was really sad. One morning she just forgot to open her eyes.
25.What do a blonde and a burnt out light bulb have in common?
One's just as bright as the other!
26.Why'd the blonde bury her driver's license?
Because it had expired!
27.How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?
You tell her a joke on Thursday!
28.What do you get when you cross a blonde with a brunette?
Artificial Intelligence!!!
29.How do you tell the difference between a smart blonde and a dumb blonde?
Wait a minute: I forgot. (This note only works if a blonde tells it)
30.How does a horny guy spell relief?
B-L-O-N-D-E!!!
31.Do you hear about the blonde who woke up next to a guy in a baseball cap?
She looked around bewildered and asked, "Where's the rest of the team?"
32.What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
33.What does a blonde wear around her neck to attract men?
Her ankles.
34.Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her boyfriend's car?
She burned her mouth.
35.Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
More head-room.
36.How can you tell if a blonde has just been using a computer?
There's white-out on the screen!
37.What's the first thing a blonde/sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself and walk home!
38.How do you get a blonde to be quiet?
Just say to her: "A penny for your thoughts."
39.Why'd the blonde faint?
She forgot to breathe.
40.Did you hear about the blonde who thought she discovered that she had a twin sister?
She didn't realize she was looking in a mirror.
41.Why don't blondes like audio-books?
There aren't any pictures.
42.Why don't blondes like to be wined and dined?
They don't like to listen to other people's problems.
43.What do members of a good basketball team playing a bad basketball team have in common
with a roomful of men and a blonde?
Everybody scores!!!
44.Why didn't the blonde go in the building?
She heard it was four stories and she didn't like to read.
45.What's a blonde's mating call?
'I'm so drunk.'
46.How many blondes does it take to make a smart blonde?
It can't be done!
47.How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
Blow in her ear, if she's a real blonde she starts to float!
48.How do you keep a blonde entertained indefinitely?
Give her a 'Where's Waldo' book...
49.What's the first thing a blonde does when you pick her up for a date?
She heads for the backseat of your car!
50.What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!!!
51.Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
They heard under seventeen weren't admitted!!!
52.A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars
because she's beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy. One she decides to show
everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the
capitals of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all.
Finally,
she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and after a few seconds a guy
comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her
home and have sex with her.
The lovely blonde says emphatically, "But I'm not just beautiful! I'm smart too!!"
"Yeah, yeah. I believe you," says the young stud. "Now let's go."
Again she protests. "No, really I am smart. I know the capitals of all the states."
The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her.
She follows him. "Really, go ahead ask me a state. I'll give you its capitol and show you how
smart I am."
Just to get rid of her, the guy says, "Fine. What's the capital of New Mexico?"
The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. "New Mexico has two capitals: 'N'
and 'M'."
53.Why didn't the blonde go to the movies on buck night?
Because she couldn't fit the deer into her car!
54.What's a brunette that smells bad?
A blonde upside down.
55.How do you make a blonde confused?
Hand her a bag of M&Ms and ask her to alphabetize them.
56.A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde (all pregnant) are sitting around trying to figure out what
sex their babies will be.
The redhead says, "I always have sex on the bottom and I heard if you do that you'll have a
girl."
The brunette said, "I always have sex on top so I must be going to have a boy."
The blonde pondered this a minute then began sobbing. "Oh no! I'm going to have puppies!"
57.Three pregnant women, again a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, are sitting in a room trying to figure out who's the father of their babies. The brunette says "My baby's either Steve's or Jim's." The redhead says "Mine's either John's or Bob's." The blonde thought for a moment then said in a puzzled voice "I wonder if it's mine."
58.A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop. The redhead said, "My boyfriend's like 7-Up. He's seven inches long and he's always up." The brunette said, "My boyfriend's like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time." The blonde said, "My boyfriend's like Jack Daniels." The brunette cut in, "You can't use Jack Daniels. That's a hard liquor." A smile crossed the blonde's face. "I know."
59.What do you call a blonde that just won the lottery? Easy money!!!
60.What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
61.What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
Not everyone's been in a limo!
62.What's a blonde's mating call?
I'm drunk! Someone take me home!
63.What's the difference between a turtle on its back and a blonde on her's?
Nothing. They're both screwed.
64.Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can understand them!!!
65.How do blondes spell 'farm?'
E-I-E-I-O!!!!
66.How do you drown a blonde?
Either put a mirror or a scratch and sniff on the bottom of a swimming pool!
67.Do you know the brunette's mating call?
Has the damned blonde left yet???
68.How many brunettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but they have to be really, really small to fit in a light bulb.
69.A blonde and a brunette jump off of the Empire State building. Who lands first?
The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
70.Why do blondes like Christmas?
It's the only time they can get gifts without having to lay on their backs!
71.Why did the blonde become a Muslim?
She thought: "What the hell? I'm on my knees all the time anyway."
72.Did you hear about the blonde whose navel was surrounded by ugly bruises?
Her boyfriend was blonde, too.
73.How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
74.How does a blonde part their hair?
Open her legs
or
75.By doing the splits
76.What do Darren Millane (Collingwood football player killed in a recent car crash) and a
blonde have in common?
Put either of 'em in a car and they're screwed.
77.What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
All you can eat under a buck!
78.Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles!
or
79.To put their feet through.
80.Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
Because red means, 'Stop! Wrong hole.'
81.How can yo tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
By the lipstick on your cucumbers!
82.Why don't blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.
83.Why do blondes wear underwear?
They make good anklewarmers!
84.What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
or
85.Remove their pantyhose
86.Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini-skirts?
Because their testicles show!
87.Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?
So the crabs can go bungee jumping.
88.How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
89.Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
They're doing research on black holes.
90.What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box.
or
91.Both have a cockpit.
92.What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
or
93.If a computer goes down on you it's a bad thing.
94.How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.
95.How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.
96.What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
97.Why aren't blondes good cattle-herders/cowboys?
They can't even keep their own two calves together!
98.What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met.
99.Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash your vegetables!
100.When does a brunette have half a brain?
After a dye job.
101.Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just dyed her hair.
or
102.She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
103.Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
104.Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
105.What was the blonde psychic's gretest achievement?
An IN-body experience!
106.What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme!
107.How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
108.How do you get a blonde's eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears!
109.Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes to long too retrain them!
110.How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out!
111.What did the blonde think of the new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
112.How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads!
113.How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads!
114.Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages!
115.Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar!
116.Why don't blondes eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper!
or
117.They can't find the pull tab!
118.Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop!
119.What is the mating call of an ugly blonde?
(Screaming) I said: I'm drunk!
120.How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was run over by the zamboni machine.
121.What's a brunette's mating call?
When is that blonde bitch going to leave?
or
122.All the blondes have gone home!
What do you get when you put 10 dumb blondes in the freezer?
Frosted Flakes
123.What did the dumb blonde say when asked if she'd ever been
picked up by the fuzz?
No, but I've been swung around by the boobs
124.What does a dumb blonde say when you blow in her ear?
Thanks for the refill
125.What's the difference between a dumb blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months
126.What can strike a dumb blonde without her knowing it?
A thought
127.Why can't dumb blondes drive?
They don't know what to do once they get in the front seat
128.What do a dumb blonde and a bowling ball have in common?
You can pick them up, throw them in the gutter and they still
come back to you
129.Why did the dumb blonde cross the road?
Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?
130.What does a dumb blonde call brown hair dye?
Artificial Intelligence
131.What do you call a brunette between two dumb blondes?
Interpreter
132.How does a dumb blonde like her eggs?
Unfertilized
133.What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a toothbrush?
You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush
134.How does a dumb blonde lose five pounds?
She takes off her make-up
135.Why did it take the dumb blonde three tries to get pregnant?
She blew the first two
136.Why don't dumb blondes eat pickles?
They can't get their head in the jar
137.Why do dumb blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room
138What does a dumb blonde call safe sex?
A padded dashboard
139.Why did God create dumb blondes?
Because dogs can't bring beer from the fridge
140.Why do dumb blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm
141.Why did the dumb blonde have sore navel?
Her boyfriend was a dumb blonde too
142.What's the first thing a dumb blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself
143.What do dumb blondes say after sex?
So, are you guys all on the same team?
144.How many dumb blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. She holds it in the socket and waits for the world to
revolve around her
145.How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree