A worker on the construction site of a highrise climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands for the job that he had in mind. Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground. He pointed first to himself and then to his knee, and then to the foreman, meaning "I need you." The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely: he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and then began to jerk off. Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman, and gasped," What the hell are you doing?" "I got your message", replied the foreman, " and I just wanted to let you know that I was coming."

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Who's To Blame?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anbody could have done!

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

I went to see my psychologist the other day and I told him, "Well you see Doc, I've been having trouble sleeping because these strange dreams keep me awake." "Really, go on," replied the doctor. "Yes, really. You see one night I dreamed I was a wigwam and the next night I had the same exact dream except this time I was a tee-pee." "I see," said the doctor, "But your problem is simple." "Honestly Doc? What's my problem?" I asked. "You too 'tents!'"

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers "ROOF."

The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.

The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that drink."

The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"

After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.

"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head!"

A old lady was lying on her death bed and her husband was sitting by her side when the wife turned to her husband and said, "I have to tell you something. In my underwear drawer is a black box. Look in it and come back to me and tell me what you see. So the husband went home and looked in the box and found 50,000 dollars and 3 eggs.

The next day the husband went back to his wife and said he had found 50,000 dollars and 3 eggs, and then he asked what the money and eggs where for. The wife replied, "Each time we made love and I was disappointed I put 1 egg in the box."

The husband smiled because there were so few eggs in the box, but his wife quickly noticed the smile out of the corner of her eye and said, "Every time I collected 1 dozen eggs I would sell them in the market and put the money in the black box."

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.

"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.

"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

A old man was walking through the park in tears, when a lady saw him and decided to see if she could offer him some help. So the lady walked up to the man and asked him, "Do you have any family?"

The man immediately replied, "Oh yes!, I have a most beautiful wife who is cooking me an elegant dinner as we speak, three wonderful children who are all on the honor roll, and a lovely house."

Confused, the lady wondered how a man whose life appeared so wonderful could be walking through the park so sad. So she asked the old man, "If you have a beautiful wife, three wonderful kids, and a lovely home, why are you so sad?"

The old man replied, "Because I can't find my way home..."

An indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."

So the indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper." Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?" And the girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from indians."

There were three men sitting in a bar drinking. One man said to the other "You know what? I know this bridge, where you can jump off and you bounce right back."

So the other man says, "No way that's ridiculous. It simply cannot be possible." The first replies, "Come on, I'll show is to you then." So the men, both quite tipsy, saunter out of the bar and walk to the bridge. When they arrive at the bridge the first man says "Here I'll show you how it works."

So he climbs up on the edge and jumps off. Seconds later low and behold the man seems to just bounce back up astounding the second man. The second man says "Hey man, do that again! I can't believe it..." So the first jumps off again and immediately comes flying back up again. After seeing this the second man decides to give it a try, after all it all seems quite safe, so he climbs up and jumps off. After a few moments, the second man doesn't return, so the first man walks back to the bar, sits down and orders another drink. The bartender after noticing the second man is missing, turns to the first man and says, "Superman, you're so damn cruel when you're drunk!"