1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting
strange lately, and then
- you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing
out of places that
- you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around
the bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even
though she sends
- you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a
tremendous urge to relieve
- yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it
will ward of evil
- dandruff spirits.
7. You're always having to apologize to your next door
neighbor for setting
- fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of
death.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung
each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out
"RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't
understand you
- through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of
grass you've
- stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors
are going to one day
- seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play
along with your
- little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel
just got its wings!"
19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to
sell you things.
21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your
family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's
Island, because they
- weren't rescued.
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if
they'll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds
backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on
your head in the
- middle of your front lawn.
27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has
your name etched on
- it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go
into another room to
- tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead
uncle tells you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club
For Men, you think
- to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow
their dog, just for
- a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of
Bulemia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word,
"P-toing!"
35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be
eaten by a koala
- or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods
of time, and
- pretend that you're a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you
got used to it.
38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of
Insanity. (cough)
39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately
interpret this as a
- violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
40. You like reading lists like this. :)
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