Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it’s mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don’t know, and I don’t care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I’m the reason he is a free man today. And if you don’t let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I’ll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the ‘3 kicks law’."
"Never heard of it", said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "Alright, now it’s my turn", said Johnny.
"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers."
When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly cancelled.
On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."
After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers."
When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the ajoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start. (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
What do you call an automobile accident between 2 lawyers?
A Saab story.
An attorney was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The attorney thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch."
An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished. Surprised, the lawyer said, "Already?"
"Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porch, it was a Mercedes !"
Lawyers for for John duPont think they have found solid grounds for an appeal of his murder conviction. They have discovered that he still has a lot of money.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A preacher and an attorney were talking one day about the mistakes they made in their respective professions, and how they dealt with them. The lawyer boasted that because he was a lawyer if he made a really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers and pulled a few legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small mistake he just ignored it and went on with life.
The attorney turned to the preacher and asked "How do you do it, pastor?"
The pastor said, "If it is a really large mistake I just turn to the Lord and ask forgiveness."
The attorney interrupted him and asked, "But what about small mistakes, how do you handle them?"
The preacher replied, "Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said, 'You are your father the devil, he was a LIAR from the beginning.' Instead I said, 'You are of your father the devil, he was LAWYER from the beginning.'"
Upon hearing this the lawyer became indignant and retorted, "Well how did you handle it.?"
The preacher replied, "It was such a small mistake that I just ignored it and went on."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To sue the chicken on the other side.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they're boring.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."
Why did God invent lawyers?
So that realtors would have someone to look down on.
Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"
Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven bankrupt.
Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys’ rifles were too far away to do them any good.
Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other.
"Because I can run faster without them," replied the first.
"I don’t care how fast you can run, you’ll never outrun a lion!" the second said.
The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don’t have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!"
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--New Mexico State University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two million dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
A pedestrian was standing on the sidewalk when he saw a funeral procession. The procession had two hearses followed by a man walking a dog. Directly behind the man was a single-file line of at least two hundred people.
Curious, the pedestrian approached the man walking the dog and asked what was going on. The man with the dog replied that in the first hearse was his ex-wife's lawyer. The pedestrian asked how the man died, and was told that the dog had bitten the lawyer and two days later the man had died.
The pedestrian then asked about the second hearse whereupon the man with the dog explained that he was the lawyer who had represented his business partner in a long and vicious business breakup. The man with the dog went on to explain that the other lawyer too had been bitten by the dog, and had died two days later.
The pedestrian pondered this information for a moment the whispered in the dog owner's ear, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed your dog for a while?"
Without missing a step, the dog owner replied, "OK by me fella, but you're gonna have to wait your turn in line like everyone else".
Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt ? He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer.
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers found a penny.
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."
"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."
The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
Yes folks, more than two years after the birth of this page, I finally got flamed by an offended lawyer! I've received literally hundreds of messages from lawyers who have enjoyed my page, but alas, I finally offended some poor humorless wretch. And the winner is: M. Robin [deleted*] (and you thought only fictional lawyers were pompous enough to use their first initial!) You won't want to miss indignant M. Robin's flame.
*Why is M. Robin's last name deleted? One guess!
JP ... the legal cartoon, by David Carter
Art Ellingsen sent in the following and swears it's a true story:
Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young families were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?", asked the first boy.
"Tommy", replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind." replied Tommy.
Sometimes the funniest things lawyers say aren't meant to be jokes. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch.
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that
picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that
body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less lawyer".
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.
How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
A lawyer was interrogating a witness at the stand. The witness was a punk from the streets of London. "You've got a lot of intelligence for someone of your background", the lawyer sneered. "I'd return the compliment if I wasn't under oath", the punk replied.
Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save only one of them.
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
What's one more difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
Clothes.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?
Ask him if he's a member of the bar.
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats,
2. the lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers,
3. there are some things a rat just won't do, and
4. neither the animal rights activists nor the human rights activists get all upset about it.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.
How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
And his son?
Bill.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?
An accomplice.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?
A lawyer.
How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the city morgue.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
When there was an empty seat.