These are from the original Bartender Joke of the day posts
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a trip when
their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so
they decide to spend the night in a hotel.
The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem,
under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in
this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in
the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord
would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying
in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is
stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish,
anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like
drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka
whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a
glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's
clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka.
So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The
Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife,
"Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His
wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The
Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But
Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says,
"Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for
15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight while saving our club house last year. So we
let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy
says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the
bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key
board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really
good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like
that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs
the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
A very tired looking man walks in to a bar and orders a drink, but as soon as the bartender puts it down, a little leprechaun, just a foot tall, runs out and kits the glass off the table and runs away. The man does not look suprised. He tells the bartender that he'll pay for the damages and can he have another beer. But as soon as the bartender puts the glass down, the leprechaun runs out again and this time he pisses in it and runs away. Now the bar tender asks "excuse me for prying, but what's going on here with that leprechaun?". The tired man looks up a little and says, "well, I was stranded on a desert island once, and I found a genie in a bottle. He said he would grant me one wish, so without even thinking about it, I asked him for what I'd wanted all my life. A twelve inch prick."
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, (So it says)
Hail: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Reply: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
Hail: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Hail: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Reply: This is a lighthouse... Your call.
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
A depressed young woman was so desperate ,that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the
docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A newlywed couple were having rough financial times so the husband said "honey, we have no choice. In order for us to have this roof over our heads and to eat, you'll have to sell yourself until we get our heads above water. Don't worry, i'll be in the next room so you won't get hurt." The wife said: "o.k. honey, but how much do i charge?" Her husband replied "$25 for a handjob, $50 for a blowjob, and $100 for sex."
About an hour a knock later, the first customer came to the door. This man was gorgeous, athletically built, beautiful smile, glimmering eyes - a total knockout. She took him to the bedroom and gave him the price structure. The customer said, "let's start with the handjob, here's $25". The wife finished that and he said, "let's continue with the blow job, here's $50". After that, the wife said, would you please excuse me for a minute?
She went to the next room and whispered desperately to her husband "honey give me $25!"
After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the watercooler to discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have no car."
The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage."
The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers,
"I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."
A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong, "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend "I'm sure
your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating! She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"! She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"
A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"