Jokes Posted up to May 31, 1997

Cloning Questions That Had to Be Asked

Results of the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's special commission to study the moral and practical effects of cloning:

Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree about something?
Can you clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue?
If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look forward to?
If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?
If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?
If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out?
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry IV part II?
If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child?
Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"?
Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?
Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal.
Would it work if I binged and my clone purged?
And my personal favorite:
Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?

Football Player Entrance Exam

To all football players that want to play at the University of Washington. Please take this test. You will be given ten tries to pass. It is an open book test. You can ask any of your friends for help but we suggest you do not ask another football palyer.

GO!

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________(hint: look at your drivers licence)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic

(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

Heaven's Cars

There were these 3 men - Dave, Jon, and Sam... They were all involved in a tragic car accident in which all 3 died... Now, they all stood there, at the gates of heaven. An angel came up to them and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven...You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly..."

The angel looked at Dave and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man! You cheated on your wife 4 times!!! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up dodge..."

The angel next looked at Jon and said- "You, were not as evil....But you still cheated on your wife 2 times...For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon..."

The angel finally looked at our hero...Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari..."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sams' Ferrari...There he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying...

What's wrong Sam they asked.... "You got the Ferrari!!! You are set forever!!! Why so down??? "Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and said- "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board..."

MIT Course Evaluation Guide

Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

The Best and Worst Comments Received ====================================

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."
"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."
"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in."
"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text."
"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality paper.'"

Hard Drive Prayer

Dater Loster (commonly known as "Our Hard Drive")

Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.

(Original author unknown)

Annoy People at a Wedding

Top Ten Ways to Be an annoying Usher:

10) Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk..

9) SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.

8) Two words: "Bathroom Key"

7) Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.

6) "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.

5) Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.

4) Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.

3) Offer your "services" to all guests.

2) Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.

1) Insist on a pants-free environment.

Goldberg Nails

A boy graduates from Harvard business school and his father tells him he would like his son to head up the marketing department for his nail business.

The first thing that the son does is try do boost sales by advertising. He comes up with a slogan and makes a billboard. About a week later the father is driving down the street and comes to a screetching halt. He looks up at a billboard of Jesus Christ hanging on a cross. The caption underneath it says "Goldberg Nails". The father is furious. He drives back to his store and calls his son into his office.

He tells his son that this is very offensive to the Christians and he needs to change it. So the son comes up with a new slogan and makes a new billboard.

The next week, the father again is driving down the same road and again comes to a screetching halt. He looks up at the billboard that now has a picture of Jesus laying on the ground at the base of an empty cross. The caption underneath now read "He should have use Goldberg Nails".

The French Priest

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

More thoughts on....Marriage

1) A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

2) Marriage is a three ring circus:

engagement ring wedding ring suffering

3) Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

4) When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smile, everyone wonders why.

5) My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

6) A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

7) A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says. "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

8) The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

9) Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

10) How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get you laundry done free.

11) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son I'm still paying for it.

12) A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

13) A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

14) Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

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