My Weekly Rant !!

March 9th '98

Well here I am again, and I don’t know about you but I’m amazed I managed another superb ( in my opinion ) rant in such a small period. So what interesting and witty ( again in my opinion ) remarks do I have to make this time around ?? Well get comfortable and I’ll tell you !!

Well I just got back from visiting. For those of you who don’t know with me living at University, I am practically between my home ( my parents live in Torquay ) and my old home from when I lived near Nottingham. Anyway this weekend was the big event, my cousin Carl finally lost is senses and tied the knot ( lit. got married ) and I was there for the death sentence, err I mean wedding ceremony. Now I noticed a lot of things during this:

1. A wedding ceremony in a registrar office is far too much to do with Law, what with the constant references to the fact that this is "a legal and binding contract in Law", so does this mean that a divorce can also lead to legal action ? Hmm interesting idea that isn’t it ? Not only do you lose you ‘significant other’, your dog and half your house but you can get sued to ! Nice !!
2. How scary relatives can be. Firstly I reckon Julia ( the girl that Carl married ) must have wondered what she was getting into when my family started to get rowdy. Now you wouldn’t think it of parents, but they have a drink and they’re off. One example ( and the worst ) is my mum HECKLING the Best Man and the Groom’s parents in the thank you speeches. All of which is captured on video tape as ( as I’m sure everyone does ) this wedding was superbly filmed by my auntie and it has ALL the shouting out on it ( why does it always have to be MY mm ?? ACK ) Next time, no white wine for the ‘grown-ups’ I think !! ;0)

Now all the best to Carl and Julia and everything, but I just don’t think I could ever get married, now I’m not being a pessimist as I’m sure there’s some illegal immigrant out there desperate enough to marry me, but there is another more serious problem stopping me, carrying on my second point !! That is, introducing a girl to the family !! Yes I’m sure you’ve all been there, and I reckon that all relatives live for is this time in life. Firstly there’s my captured on video dancing which will please a few of the easier to please relatives, but that I am not worried about. What worries me is when the relatives all gather around, and your spine goes cold and you break out into a hot sweat as those words are uttered:

"I can remember when Darren was a baby and I changed his nappy ( translation for those of you in the states = diaper )"

at which point you know things can only get worse, as from there comes all your baby stories, which is completely unfair as you have NO defence ( I can’t help it if I cried when I was a baby can I ?? ) but then they go through your years and then it happens, the worst time in anyone’s lives, the most dreaded and feared thing of any rational thinking person’s life, the PHOTO ALBUM !!

Yes you know it is true, the relatives have secret bets on which shade of "I wanna die" embarrassment they can get you. There are the dodgy photos of you with very few clothes on after being duped into thinking that stripping was a game ( Oh come on, it can’t only be ME !! ) and the ones that you actually POSED for before realising just what embarrassment factor they contain.

Anyway that’s why I reckon I’ll just be single for ever or if I happen to get a girlfriend, I won’t tell my family, although I’m sure that they are psychic and will know that I’m lying, maybe they have secret detectors on the photo album that tells the owner when it’s ready to fulfil it’s objective !! And I know it can’t just be me, I’m sure there’s at least one person out there reading this who feels the same as me !!