My Weekly Rant !!

October 18th '99

Hello to all of you. Well sorry it has been such along time again, and I won’t burden you all with excuses, I’ll just apologise. Anyway this appears to be a very special time to tune in, as just the other day, posted very mysteriously to me in a plain brown envelope was the following thesis, apparently written with me as the subject. Now I figured you would all want to find out about the deep workings of Darren, plus I have been ranting about not having anything to Rant about, and maybe some mysterious professor heard this and decided to release his findings. Also whoever it was threatened that my teddy bear would come to an ‘unfortunate accident’ should this thesis not make it to the public domain !!
This being the case, and the fact that I have nothing else to talk about, I introduce you to a thesis about me, hope you like it !! ;0)

Darren ;0)

Welcome and for those (and there will be some) who don’t know me, I’m one of Darren’s long-suffering best friends. While I love the guy like a brother there is a certain quality with which he has been blessed which can drive one to distraction. It is with close, personal, intimate knowledge of Darren’s life over the past year that I feel easily qualified to draw your attention to my theory of social interaction that I have named “The Pretty Lights Of Darren’s Smile”
Darren has a gift, maybe even more than one, but the ONE we are here to discuss is his Smile. Darren has only two real smiles which are easily enough to propel him through his life.

Smile #1 I have entitled “Grinous Flashmatticus” or the “Photo Smile” and can be found in evidence whenever anyone points any kind of recording equipment at Darren be it camera, paintbrush or video recorder*. Within a micro, micro, milli, milli, split second the “Photo Smile” appears like the sun realising it was late one morning. It is very, very cheap, cheesy, cheeky and transforms Darren into a lovable, huggable figure. It endears people to him by making them smile. In short it is a smile anyone would be proud of, but it holds only a tiny fraction of the power of his other smile.

Smile #2 I have dubbed the “Maximus Galaxium” or “Whole Universe” smile. It is this special smile, which has proven so fascinating to my social studies, because when Darren turns this most powerful of weapons upon anything be it animal, vegetable or mineral they feel as if they are the most important thing in the universe. While I have observed this smile having an affect on everything, it is at its most devastating when unleashed upon the female population*. Few are left unaffected or unchanged in its wake and the reaction is almost instantaneous. The object of the smile, if unprepared, goes doe eyed and a lost, listless expression covers their face. A desire to be closer to Darren is evident as well as a complete disinterest in the world around them. This would be a perfect situation if only Darren could keep the smile focussed on them for the rest of time, but of course he cannot. As the smile turns towards its next target the original object is filled with the erupting, conflicting emotions of rage and jealousy.

If they can contain these feelings all would be well, but for some the task proves too much. Their feelings are often turned into an anger, which is mostly not directed towards Darren the giver of the smile, but at those around him who removed the smile. (As one who has at often times experienced this hostility, it is not pleasant). The subject becomes desperate to regain the attention and focus of the smile and will follow Darren everywhere and anywhere in order to get another “fix”. These “Smile Junkies” will not quit in their single minded harassment of Darren by phone, message or E-mail believing themselves to be in love with him, but in reality only needing to regain their place in front of the smile. The addiction the Junkies feel is only heightened by the partaking of alcoholic beverages, which often they drink in a vain attempt to ease the gnawing loss they feel inside. As his friend, I have witnessed many a psychotic drunken attack. Yet despite the fact they rarely ever gain the complete attention they crave the addiction has proven to be incredibly hard to break. (Indeed one subject is still chasing it after 10 months and many, oh so many, firm refusals). Ultimately, though, all these “Smile Junkies” achieve is to upset and alienate Darren making it less likely that they will ever see the “Pretty Lights Of Darren’s Smile” again.

Do not despair though for these poor, sad souls who will eventually with time and love, recover. Also do not worry for Darren ever finding someone to love him for not just his smile. This observer has witnessed that most are strong enough in mind to fight the urges and soul-destroying emotions that the smile can unleash, and see Darren for the great bloke he is. Although if all were truthful they would admit that part of them still remembers the smile and yearns for it, this observer can.

I thank you all for reading.

*Darren actively throwing himself in front of such devices is dealt with at more length in my paper “Darren: Extrovert or Egomaniac”
*I plan to soon publish the paper “Darren: Gay Object of Desire” early next year