My Weekly Rant !!

April 1st '02

OK I am sorry. I know I say this over and over again, but it all works out that the whole point of it being called a monthly rant means that when it isn’t monthly, oh I don’t know, it could be some sort of strange ironic humorous play on words type cunning ploy.
But yes I am aware of how late it is, and I try to keep up to date. Honest. No really I do. Yup really. I do. I lose sleep over it and everything. Honest. Yup.
So anyway I thought I would write a new Rant and let you all know what is going on, cos I know there are some people out there that like to know what is new in the weird and wacky world of Darren.
Well what has happened since I last wrote ? Well quite a lot but I thought I would tell you all about my New Year’s celebrations, well if celebrations is the right word to choose. You will understand all very very soon indeed.
So yeah, as you all know, New Years is a time for fun and celebrations and maybe even just plain and simply going and getting drunk in some overcrowded and overcharging pub or bar.
And ok so we didn’t exactly plan to do this. The plan was a nice meal and then go into Bristol to see the fireworks and celebrations, much the same as what we did last year. However I also visited my parents !! Possibly mistake number one.
OK that might sound harsh but they do have a habit of completely ruining any plans that have been made. The usual thing being that if I plan to stay one day, they ask if I wanna stay for 2, or 3 or 4. And it’s always harder to say no to the parents. But anyway we went to visit my parents, the plan being to travel home on New Years Eve and celebrate New Years in Bristol.
OK so my mother had, in her ultimate wisdom, decided that we should have a party with some of her friends and some family when Jenny and I arrived at home. Sounds like a good idea. However the morning we are due to travel home it seems my parents had a row and my mum phoned up telling me not to bother coming home to visit if we wanted to have a good time. OK time to reconsider. 20 mins later and my Dad phones up saying it is just my mum in a bad mood and he wants to see us. So we travel down.
Mistake number 2
When we arrive, my mum has gone out to who knows where and there is no food or anything prepared for this party. So in the true fashion of my family, everything is done last minute and my mums well arranged party is to be carried out by Jenny, my dad and myself. So we do ! We make salads and sausage rolls. We make sandwiches and prepare everything. It takes quite a long time too ! But hey it gets done. Now my mum has told people to arrive at about 5:30pm. So everything is ready and prepared by this time.
And we wait.
OK not too long. My Aunts and Uncles start to turn up at about 5:45, giving us just enough time to start worrying that this is an awful lot of food for 3 people to eat. Some of my mum’s friends turn up at about 6ish. And *very* strange they are too. I dunno who they are – but when they knocked on the door and I answered it, the female of the two, who I believe is Bulgarian, said something like “MaryP” which I thought was her name, so that’s what I called her all night. It turns out this isn't her name at all, but is what she calls my mum. Too confusing I know. And the guy this woman brings with her is, and I am not exaggerating, a complete lunatic. He said some incredibly odd and strange things that night. Most of which I ignored.
Now you may have noticed one absentee ! Yup my mum, who arranged this shindig is not there. Nope she turns up at about 6:15pm, and promptly complains that not enough sausage rolls have been made and would anyone like any cheese sticks. OK maybe I am being harsh on her, but it’s a bit rude to say the least. But hey, I let it go.
Mistake number 4
So it wasn’t the most relaxing of parties, my mum pretty much talked to her (Odd) friends. Dad to the family. I talked to Jenny. But hey time passed and it came to going home time. And this is ANOTHER huge mistake by me, as I had not had anything to drink and I got nominated to take home odd Bulgarian woman and her odder bloke. Oh fun. To which he says that he has had such a fun night, why don’t I just get into the car with them and drive into the sea. I told you he was odd. I told him if he was that way inclined, I could drive by the sea and throw him in, it would be quicker. Not sure how he took that but hey, I am not losing sleep over it.
So to bed. Next day everyone is talking and things are fine. And my mum decides to make a “Christmas meal” so that we can have one together. Ok nice. The meal is set for 2 o’clock. Jenny and I go for a walk and are back by 2. My brother however, manages to inform us he will be out till 3. Dinner is put back till about 3:30pm. Now I dunno if I have ranted about this before, but I never used to be one for certain vegetables. I don’t like mashed potato, or brussel sprouts, or lots of other things. I will now eat cooked carrots (as long as they are only slightly cooked), and certain other things. Mum asks us what veggies we would like for our meal. I say I will have some carrots, peas and sweet corn and of course, roasted potatoes. Jenny likes vegetables and goes for Brussel Sprouts, carrots and everything. I also don’t like gravy. I know I am odd but hey, it’s my choice. Jenny likes gravy and says yes to that too. My mum also informs is that as she didn’t know what we would eat, she got chicken AND turkey. Hmmm, is there *really* that much of a difference ? I dunno.
Mistake 5
And so we *finally* sit down for food. My plate has the HUGEST lump of nasty mashed potato on it. On the meat too, and it is sticky. Not impressed. The carrots, I think, have actually been cooked for at least 3 hours and are now incredibly soft and melt in your mouth. Not nice. The peas and sweet corn have been cooked along with the carrots and are nasty. I explain I cannot eat the mashed potato, which is clinging to my plate and everything and sneering at me, and run to the kitchen to scrape it off, where I also cunningly discard the nasty carrots too.
Jenny, however is less lucky. Her plate turns up, and her food is swimming in gravy. Mum explains that she has put “some” on there and Jenny can add more if she would like. The gravy is about an inch deep, things are *floating* in it and its not a nice sight. Worse still are the brussels, which I think have been cooked for at least 5 hours. These brussels would actually be rejected by any school cook for being inedible. Harsh words from a school cook. These would melt in your mouth in less that a second and ok, I am biased and don’t like them, but these ones, I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Not even people I don’t like, unless I REALLY didn’t like them. They are probably against the Human Rights Act and constitute torture or something.
The meat wasn’t too good either, it might have been ok if it had been eaten at 2, when it was supposed to be. Unfortunately, it was left in the oven till my brother was ready, and it was a little bit TOO chewy.
So this is topped off by once again witnessing the wonder that is my brother eating a meal. These plates were heaped with food. And if the mood took, drowned in gravy. My brother sat down about 5 minutes after everyone else, and I think he had finished his plate in about 2 minutes. I don’t think he stops for breath. I don’t know why he just doesn’t lift the plate to his mouth and shovel the food down his throat.
So be warned, don’t expect to be invited to dinner with my mother or brother if you ever visit !!!!
Luv Darren