THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY KIDS
(Honest and No Kidding)
By Hammer.net

· There is no such thing as child-proofing your home

· If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run them over with rollerblades, they ignite

· A four year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

· If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing puppy pound underwear and a superman cape

· It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20’x 20’ room

· Baseballs make marks on ceilings

· You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

· When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit

· A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way

· The glass in windows (even double-paned ones) can’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan

· When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late

· Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke- and lots of it

· A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a thirty-six year old man says they can only do it in the movies

· A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

· If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak........it explodes

· A king-size waterbed contains enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house four inches deep

· Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year-old

· Duplos will not

· Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence

· Superglue is forever

· McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know

· Tarzan can, too

· No matter how much Jell-O you put in the swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water

· Pool filters do not like Jell-O

· VCR’s do not eject peanut butter & jelly sandwiches

· Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

· Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry

· You probably do not want to know what that odor is

· Always look in the oven before turning it on

· Plastic toys do not like ovens

· The fire department in San Diego has at least a five-minute response time

· The washing machine’s spin cycle does not make earthworms dizzy

· It will, however, make cats dizzy

· Cats throw up half their body weight when dizzy

· Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

· A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)