The Five Worst Questions Women Ask Men

The paper explains the answers to the five worst questions women can ask men:
1 - “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?”

2 - “DO YOU LOVE ME?”

3 - “DO I LOOK FAT?”

4 - “DO YOU THINK SHE IS PRETTIER THAN ME?”

5 - “WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DIED?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

1- “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?”
 The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you,” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
2) Football
3) How fat she is
4) How much prettier she is than her
5) How he would spend the insurance money if she died

The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy of Married with Children. When Peg, his wife asked what he was thinking, he responded, “If I wanted you to know, I’d be talking instead of thinking”
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - “DO YOU LOVE ME?”
 The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes dear.” Wrong answers include:
1) I suppose so
2) Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3) That depends on what you mean by ‘love’
4) Does it matter?
5) Who, me?

3 - “DO I LOOK FAT?”
 The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not,” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
1) I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
2) Compared to what?
3) A little extra weight looks good on you
4) I’ve seen fatter
5) Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy

4 - “DO YOU THINK SHE IS PRETTIER THAN ME?”
 The ‘she’ in this question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
1) Not prettier, just pretty in a different way
2) I don’t know how one goes about rating such things
3) Yes, but I bet you have a better personality
4) Only in the sense that she is younger and thinner
5) Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - “WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DIED?”
 Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

“Dear,” said the wife, “what would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband, “Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.
“No, of course not, dear,” he said.
“Don’t you like being married?” asked the wife.
“Of course I do, dear,” the husband said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“All right,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would,” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes,” said the husband.
After a long pause: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
“Well, yes, I suppose I would,” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to,” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily, “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, jumping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too?”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband, “she’s left- handed.........”