My personal story...On August 1, 1997, Paul Miles Shattuck made a decision. He decided to end his life by jumping off of the Carew Tower's observation deck. His decision affected more people in more ways than he probably anticipated.

Paul was a former boyfriend of mine, but he later became a friend. I cared very deeply for him and the news of his death hit hard and deep. It was a highly emotional time for me. At that point, I became so unstable I was excused from my job. The evening I came home and was told the news, I stayed up all night crying. Everything reminded me of him and made me cry. For over a month, I was bawling at the slightest reminder of him. I am much better now-it has been close to a year, but it's still easy for me to get upset again. I have days where all I do is think of him and cry and wish death wasn't so permanent. So much reminds me of him, even now. I spent hours thinking about how it could've been different if I had never broken up with him. I was told repeatedly that it was not my fault, though I still struggle with that.

I write of how it made me feel, because I hope that people considering suicide will see it and reconsider. I feel that most probably don't think that anyone will care, but the truth is that there are so many people that will be affected, that will have their lives thrown into upheaval, that will be forever changed. I also want people who have had to endure a loss such as mine to know that things do get better over time. I'm sure that it'll be easier and easier for me as time progresses. It is that way for everyone, though it takes more time for some. Know that you are not the only one feeling this way, and that many have been scarred by the loss of someone close.

I spent a lot of time blaming myself for his death and thinking that I should've noticed that something was wrong that last day I saw him, which was less than a month prior to his death. But there was really no way any of his friends could've prevented it or predicted it. According to his closest friends, he showed none of the characteristic signs. To me, things appeared to be looking up in his life. He obviously didn't feel the same.

Suicide is not always predictable, as I have shown, but many times, it is. People who talk about suicide should be taken seriously and steps should be taken if possible. San Francisco Suicide Prevention has a way to assess risk. The acronym is PLAID PALS, and is goes as follows:

Things to watch for when assessing potential risk...

Plan

Do they have one?
Lethality

Is it lethal? Can they die?
Availability

Do they have the means to carry it out?
Illness

Do they have a mental or physical illness?
Depression

Chronic or specific incident(s)?


Previous attempts

How many? How recent?
Alone

Are they alone? Do they have a support system? Partner? Are they alone right now?
Loss

Have they suffered a loss? Death, job, relationship, self esteem?
Substance Abuse (or use)

Drugs, alcohol, medicine? Current, chronic?