I grew up in a "normal" home on the southeast side of Cleveland, Ohio. My grandfather died when I was 6 — he was lighting a smoke while leaving a bar after hours and didn't see the drunk driver that ran him down — he was drunk. I grew up learning that drinking was expected--at birthday parties, weddings, wakes, card parties, cookouts -- when people had fun together, they drank..

I also grew up feeling that I didn't "Fit in". I was too tall, too smart, too clumsy, too much a tomboy... I lived in books, and games, and make- believe. I felt lonely and isolated a lot of the time. I was active in school & got good grades, but I didn't know how to make friends or be a friend, and I just never felt "loved" or cared for. Poor me!

I had lots of different hopes and dreams, but I never worked seriously to achieve them. I rapidly progressed from weekend warrior to daily drunk. I've been married and divorced (twice), even finished grad school. Through it all, I spent every spare moment drinking, going from one group of friends, one set of interests, one relationship to another.

On the outside, things looked good: better jobs, lots of dates, travel, season tickets to pro football and basketball, plays, dancing... I had to stay busy, in order to hide from feeling empty and lost. Blackouts were common-- there are days and months that I still do not remember. But I spent more and more time trying to keep "having fun". Today I know people came and went in my life because I had nothing, really, to offer.

My God was watching out for me, though: I was given a staff of newly- recovering alcoholics who, I am sure, knew just what my drinking was doing to me. They walked around smiling, and talking about a higher power, and just being happy to be sober! Try that on a hangover! One used to leave little prayers on my desk. Another won lots of little books at AA meetings: she would bring them to me, saying "I know you're not an alcoholic, but I thought you might enjoy reading this." I read them, in secret.

In 1986, one of my best friends died as a direct result of his drinking... I had been around enough program people to know that drinking was his--and MY--problem. So I spent the evening of his wake drinking coffee while everybody else partied, and told them all that I would never drink again and wind up dead like him. But at the end of the evening, I had "one last drink" anyway, for his memory. Four hours later, I came out of a blackout driving 70 miles an hour coming into "dead man's curve"-- speed limit 35 (yes, there really is such a place in Cleveland). I knew that I could die, and I had nothing left but to ask God for help.

By some miracle, I drove all the way home, safely, and wound up with a horrible hangover. I called my friend who brought me all the AA books, and made her promise (she told me later) never to tell anyone how drunk I was. See, I had all the books but I didn't have a meeting schedule. She told me where the meetings were near my house. 24 hours later, when I could get out of bed from my hangover, I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous--for myself this time. I found all kinds of people there--rich & poor, young & old, men & women... And I shook thru the whole meeting.

But I hope I'll never forget the story told by the speaker that night... it was just like mine. He never lost anything on the OUTSIDE. He still had his home, his family, his job... all he — and I — had lost at that time was OURSELVES! He talked about his pain, his isolation, his fears and anger... I was overwhelmed with just the same feelings and didn't know what to do. But he told me about the steps, and the four absolutes, and where to find the answers: in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was finally in the right place.

I found a sponsor quickly, and she told me that just because I got sober didn't mean that I still couldn't lose everything. And then she asked me if I was willing to do ANYTHING to stay sober. I was completely beat. I said Yes then, and I still say Yes to this day.

I went to lots of different meetings, and I learned to listen , to learn, to work the steps, and even to have FUN in sobriety. I never thought it was possible. There were times when old fears took over, and I might as well drink... but I found a women's meeting where they read me the promises. And, to this day, when all looks frightening and hopeless, I turn again to those promises. They have come true in my life, as a result of working the steps, talking to my sponsor and other AA's, remaining teachable, and staying in conscious contact with a God of MY understanding.

As a result, I have been given many gifts. Today, I have a life that is happy, joyous & free... just as the Big Book promises. I am surrounded by friends in AA who keep me honest, and love me, even when I cannot do so myself. I am responsible: when another suffering alcoholic reaches out, I carry the message of recovery to the best of my ability.

I am very blessed. I have a loving--and sober--relationship with my husband. I pray that you find your God — who, I believe, speaks to us through other people — and that you find the same excitement, and the same peace in sobriety that I have found!

Updated January, 2007 © Tim &Karen