This page is dedicated to one of my best friends who lives
in Kearney now.
I hope he enjoys this.

Heuer I changed this a bit I hope you enjoy.

Yo quiero Taco Bell

DEEP THOUGHTS

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em
go, because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good
reason."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can
you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult
operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is,
"Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's
as far as it shoots."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And
he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's
carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
you're drunk.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
our children's children, because I don't think children
should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is
crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because
of something you did."

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite
so funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a
king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are
some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the
lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
call them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than
some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long
stick.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a
few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run
up to him real quick and hand it to him.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid
eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just
sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to
the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to
red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing
more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it
seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because
they'd never expect it.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right
there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like
to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy
looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.
I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes
was not putting on your armor because you were "just going
down to the corner."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor
people, like I am now.

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch
and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out
of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the
first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it.
And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your
horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back
and the guy was reading a magazine.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they
believe me?

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is,
don't run with a wooden stake.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't
you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's
wife? Trust me, it's not.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in
a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm
outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy,
I'm glad I'm not out in that."

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be
over here, looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why
not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and
pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along,
low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the
ground. Now that's a documentary.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we
are losing each year, but I told that story around the
campfire and nobody got scared.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy
sure owed me a lot of money."

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar,
because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake
baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go
swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her
babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you
stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those
ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for
parties.

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up
nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity
"happen."

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito
sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.