January 1999

I apologize - this starts about mid-month, as I began the diaries on January 16, 1999.

January 16, 1999

I worry much too much. I doubt anyone could ever call me Caesar; I'm scared of most everything. I fear talking to people. I fear that my parents will hate me. I fear that those who matter most will hate me (again).

Perhaps I should explain the "again." You see, not so long ago..six months, maybe? I left on vacation to Alberta, Canada. If only I hadn't gone! A girl I thought was my friend attacked me when I was gone. I don't really know what to say. There's nothing left to say that I have not said before, in fact. But I imagine that the people this girl turned against me are mostly still against me. I refer to those people a lot - I really do care about them (especially Kristine-sama and Kelsey-san, the two I know I've never really come to terms with). I also fear the girl who turned against me tremendously. To quote the great Yoda: "Fear leads to anger, and anger leads to hate." Do I hate her? I think I did, for quite some time, but that has passed now. But how am I to know she won't do something like that again? I doubt she will, though. It sort of backfired on her. The girl and I have come to terms at least a bit - we exchanged greeting cards this holiday season, much more than either of us expected from the other.

I assume you'd like it if I was coherent now. That last paragraph was pretty much random babble to those who don't know the story. To the people involved (like myself, Lindsay-chan, Marjorie-oneesama, Amy-san, Kristine-san, and Kelsey-san), it could mean a lot. A whole lot. But to prettier things now. No good deed goes unpunished: along with some other people, I sent wishes and love to a girl in Florida who loves horses as I did (and still do!). Just recently, I received a thank you card - and I now feel guilty that I've been unable to send more. *sigh* The card reads:

It has been really hot almost 80 [degrees F] Christmas day. You had a lot of cold weather? Kelly is quite a horse rider, reader, looker, player, etc. Thanks for your pictures. Horse Country is really great. Kelly is going to finish.

And it's signed Sherie, Chris, and Kelly. I am astonished that the little tidbit I sent made such a great impact. Maybe it didn't make such a big impact by itself, but with many people pitching in to help a family have a better holiday season, the impact was great.

I wrote an essay about Amy-san for my english class. I got an A and found out that my english teacher is a horse-crazy kid (not as old as Kristine-sama! ^_- but older than most horse-crazy kids I know). So I've decided that I should somehow focus on horses for every single essay I write. Maybe it will help improve my poor english grades. I'm in an honors english class, but I doubt I should be. My grades stay just high enough so I can stay in the honors program. That's it. It ruins my straight A's to have a B-something on my report card under english..last year, I would have done much worse in english had my teacher not fallen in love with my poetry. A lot of people like my poetry. I like some of my poetry, but other pieces of mine are really pure bull manure. My only real published poem (called "Dreams Of Roses") is complete bull manure. My personal favorites are "For This We Pray" and "Little Bird Fly Away" - both of them have a lot of meaning and I just really like them. If you've become curious as to my poetry, you can find my poetry page at Wellesley/9500.

I've been blessed recently; I made a wish of sorts for money and boy did I get it!! *grin* First, I won a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com, then I won $100 for answering a trivia question, and I recently sold some stock I'd received for free for doing volunteer work just before it plunged again (it was GCTY - typical internet stock, not so typical internet company ;) So I've managed to rack up about $915 US in the last thirty days. Not too bad. I can afford to pay for my choir trip and riding lessons now. Really neat.

Do you take acting classes? I do. I like them but I hate them. I feel so fake when I'm acting *grin* I love to be real. I'm really Rosie. *L* But acting is fun, too..I get to put myself in different places and times and situations, and nobody cares if I go crazy, and I get lots of down time - I like to be alone. Which ties into the whole trust thing which goes back to the whole summer thing..

I've met some new girls at school this week: Kat (no, not Fiona-chan, but another girl named Kat ;), Lizzie, and Marina. It's really nice to have real living breathing people to talk to again. Remember that the people I consider my closest friends live pretty far - the nearest person is about an hour or so away. The furthest? Halfway across the world. Makes for one heck of a phone bill. I'm a very lonely person; I don't like to be alone, but I thrive when I am. It's terrible.

Lately I've been having weird dreams again. And my intuition is kicking in again. This bothers me; generally these are signs that something serious will happen soon. The last time they were so strong was before the incident this summer. I had a weaker version a bit over a month ago when Marj and Brian (my brother) both broke their legs. I'm very worried. I've confronted one person I'm worried about in particular; she told me not to worry. But I know better now. I'm worried. These dream things run in my family, on both sides: I have the feeling it's genetically linked. Dad calls it the Cassandra complex: you can predict what's going on, but nobody believes you *sigh*

So much of life..so little experienced..why is so much time wasted? I think the earth is such a beautiful place, and we are blessed to live here. But so many choose to leave it so soon..it's been a while since Amanda committed suicide, and a longer while since Heaven's Gate - the cult that thought that, by committing suicide, they would ride on a spaceship behind the comet Hale-Bopp (sp) and would be at peace forever..I don't get it. Am I stupid or something?? How can someone believe that by killing themselves they will ride on a spaceship in the tail of a comet?! Oh well..as there is nothing I can do about it now, I shouldn't worry..

It's time for me to end today's entry, as it would be nice if I had something to talk about tomorrow. *grin* Tomorrow's entry will probably be half this long - I had to explain a lot today that I will probably not explain any further. But you needed to know in order to understand..forgive me.

January 18, 1999

I'm feeling so guilty. I didn't mean to leave out Texas' bridle and martingale and saddle pad and saddle and grooming stuff yesterday..really I didn't! Waaaahh..

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday (observed ;) Five years ago we had a huge earthquake. Tomorrow I have finals. *sigh* Saturday I have acting, Sunday I have riding, and then it begins all over again. Well, except it will be a normal school week with no finals and no day off. Then the next week I have the whole week off..

I'm reading this book called Creating Killer Web Sites. It inspired me to change the entrance page to Ride 'Em, Cowgirls!..so check it out..more changes to this site are probably in the works. I don't quite know yet..it depends how my life is going. As it looks right now, more changes are in the works. But who knows!! :) Instead of a wolk howling, I wanted to do a horse running in the sunset, but I didn't have time to do the sunset (I had a good silouhette (sp) of a running horse already). So you get a howling wolf.

I really don't have much more to say today..I'll talk to you later!

January 21, 1999

It would stink to be a genius. People are always telling me I'm a genius, and I always deny it. First, I have no idea if I'm a genius or not - I don't know my IQ. I do know I'm not good enough to get into MENSA (or whatever it's called). I would never want to be a genius because the standards of a genius are so high..people would expect me to always have straight A's and enjoy doing math and spend all my time studying and go to an Ivy League school..I don't have straight A's - I haven't had an A in english lit. since 8th grade, I hate to study and hardly ever do, and I don't want to go to an Ivy League school at all. I want to go to Cal Poly Pomona and double-major in Computer Science and Preveterinary Medicine. I think mom and dad want me to go to Cal Tech and become an engineer. But that's not my path..or at least I don't think it is..

I need a vacation. How can I tell? I'm actually worrying what other people think of me. I usually only worry what certain other people think of me..not what everybody in the world thinks of me *grin*

January 31, 1999

I had another entry that was better than this one is going to be, but my browser so graciously erased it..baah. This is the old post in short.

Anyways, I'm worried about a friend of mine, Tiara. She's too trusting in people. She gave out her phone number over the net to a guy she met in an AOL chat room claming he's sixteen and lives in Las Vegas. She's really scaring me. I have a bad feeling about the whole thing, and I'm worried Tiara's going to get hurt.

I'm thinking about taking a vacation from most net stuff because everyone's driving me crazy. I'm talking about being a CL, fairy dusting, and spirit dusting. I'm getting A's in all my classes except English, where I'm getting a hard-earned B+

I have a letter to mail to you, Lindsay-chan, but the pictures in it are old..I'm sorry..I don't have any current pictures. Even the ones on this website are old. After I develop the pictures of me and Marj, I'll send you a better pic..I still have seven more exposures to use up: I'm going to try and get mom to take pictures of me riding so you can see how bad I look *grin*

And Amy, if you're reading this, something for you:
Je ne pense pas que vous soyez sympa toujours. Quelquefois, vous êtes idiot. Quelquefois, vous êtes une chienne. Mais quelquefois, vous êtes très sympa. Pourquoi est-ce que vous êtes idiot quelquefois? Je ne doute pas que vous puissiez être gentille! Soyez gentille! Et si vous ne compreniez pas cette phrase, demandez à votre prof de traduire! Merci beaucoup!! =P

That felt pretty good :) See you next month!

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